A New Year's Resolution

It's time to say good-bye. To another year yet gone by.

2008 is rapidly coming to an end, and boy am I glad to see it go. This year has brought too many downs and ups, causing an unsteady and bumpy ride. With another year passed I have learned some, grown some more, and embraced change. I never imagined in my wildest dreams last new year's eve, that this moment.. me sitting here typing this with all the things in my mind that are there, would happen. Some things remained constant.. and some became constant, and some I made constant - and for those I'm glad. The biggest lesson I learned this year was to let go, forgive, and move on. A life lesson worth learning I must say. I could say I did it alone, but in reality I know I didn't. I learned my lessons alone - and worked through them alone, but without wise words from friends and family, I would have never been able to accept situations. Denial has always been easier for me, what I don't realize or recognize, can't hurt right? I wish.. I think not seeing has hurt the most. But I still have faith, unbelievably so.. and that I would not let anyone take from me. Ever. People called me naiive, childish, too innocent - but they didn't realize that it's simply the way I portray myself. I'm not aggressive, nor obnoxiously powering, and quite frankly have no desire to be, and if that comes out as "naiive" than so be it. I have learned from it all, taken what I need, let go of everything that will bring me down, and moved forward to being innocent again. That is the life I want, the one I like. I don't want complications, drama, all the things that make me seem "mature" or "adult". That's bogus. Being able to go through anything, and retain my faith is what has made me stronger - on the inside. Where I need it the most. Hidden.

This year has felt like climbing a mountain. Difficult - but I got used to it. And finally - it's ending. 2009 is a year that will bring new beginnings. Of this I am sure. I'm embarking into a new year along with a new decade of my life. I know my 20s will bring all the changes I've wanted.. all the changes I feel ready for. I'm glad - in retrospect - for this year. Because before it, I was not prepared. I wouldn't have been able to handle the 20s or the situations I anticipate it bringing. I'm ready. Scared - but so ready. I'm steady, and confident, perhaps a bit foolish - but the way it is nonetheless.. because I know without this confidence I would never embrace my life. I'm shedding my childhood, perhaps a bit of my teenagehood - and moving on. I know what I want - and this is the year I'm going for it.. cautiously, yet surely! So there :)

An Ordinary Revelation

The word "Bollywood" triggers a certain emotion: fanfare, loud, boisterous, extremely large scale fancy shmancy smoothtalking romantic comedies. And than comes along Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi. A refreshing rom com that is dream-like in its own way, yet has none of that unreachable-ness of all the other movies of similar caliber. An ordinary man, a peppy girl.. and a love story. That doesn't seem too far-fetched. Life happens, twists come, but the simple truth beneath it all is that life is ordinary, and love still exists. You don't need a prince charming or fancy ballgowns and palaces to have a fairy tale. All it takes is some chemistry.. and love of course. That I believe is what the movie nailed down nearly perfect! Take for instance a scene that takes place in a mall store, in a fitting room: SRK asks his leading lady what it is that women want? Now, everyone wants to know that! Guys want to know because apparently women are a mystery to them. And women want to know just to know where they stand. I think the dialogue writer, story concept maker, and of course director hit the nail on the head with the reply Anushka Sharma gave: Women want someone to love them - like no one has ever loved anyone. It is quite simple - it seems like a dramatic bollywood line, but it really isn't. We all go through relationships and heartbreaks, but we keep trudging onward, we keep falling in love - sometimes hopelessly. But what makes it worth it? That incredible feeling Ms. Sharma talks of. We are human beings - and the one thing we thirst for the most is love. In all forms, in many varieties, but love nonetheless. Here is where the questioning comes in though; It is very easy for a movie maker to show a suave hero who woos his girl and sweeps her away with his charm. But what about the ordinary folks of the world, which let's face it, is pretty much everyone! SRK has played quite a different role this time around and represented the average man. Anushka Sharma, though not exactly playing an ordinary woman, is also not a drop dead gorgeous model diva - so for argument sake she can represent most women. The story really is at the basis of it how a wife falls in love with her husband. It is a hard concept to digest, but is not bound by its constraints. The situation showed might be a bit obtrusive, but the dialogues used apply rather nicely. Ponder on this - SRK's friend urges him to show his feelings for his lady love in extravagant ways just like the character of Raj. However, the response is that this ordinary man feels that if she is going to love him, she has to love the real him - the way he is, without having to be extraordinary. He has his ways of showing her he loves her - like wrestling a Japanese sumo wrestler for tickets to make her happy. The idea that he cares so much to do anything to make her happy shows his feelings - I don't agree with the fight scene - but it is a Bollywood movie after all! Of course lady love finally opens her eyes and realizes she loves the simple man with her - a happy ending is a must with Aditya Chopra! Perhaps movie makers are finally getting the idea that life is not like the movies - movies are like life! And that's the way it should be.. especially since this movie does a wonderful job of reminding and bringing hope to all the ordinary guys of the world that they too will fall in love.. and to the women of the world that their prince charming might be the simple guy right under their noses.. if only they look carefully enough!

Of Happiness

People fear heights. Some fear the dark, others death. Yet most are fearful of spiders - myself included. But I have stumbled upon a fear I'm convinced makes me strange on some level. I fear happiness. I want to be happy, of course I do, who doesn't? The point that happiness is different for everyone and what exactly defines "happiness" is something on the sideline for now. My fear has its basis in the fact that anytime something "good" or "happy" has happened.. something not so good happens to balance my universe. I don't want the bad.. so I avoid the happy.. fear it in fact. The truth is, I know a lot of people who are confused about happiness and what would make them happy. I used to be one of them. Pretty much always. Somewhere along the years though I realized I knew exactly what would make me happy. It takes an acute sense of diving into yourself to find it.. and I think I have. It's quite simple, not complex at all. But it is at a depth I have never been able to find. There is a difference between satisfaction and happiness. A lot of things can satisfy us - water for thirst, food for hunger, sleep for tiredness, etc. Happiness however is unique.. we can try to find it in everything and anything - but mostly it's created in our minds.. and hearts. Perhaps it's some type of paradox.. I know what my "soul" needs in order to be deeply happy - and yet I fear that happiness the most. I don't want to believe that happiness can be reduced to something simple - nor face that I might never be able to reach it. I am satisfied with life - family, education, etc. etc. But what about that annoying little happiness creeping up in me? It brings me joy but it leaves a trail of burns. It scares me but excites me all the same. I work the hardest for this happiness - and yet I am most fearful of it.. It seems but a dilemma that goes round and round. For now I shall stuff it in the back of my mind.. but I know it will arise again. It always does. This thought, this feeling.. of happiness.

Twilight

"How much do you like him?"
"Too much," I whispered back. "More than he likes me. But I don't see how I can help that."

"Do you truly believe that you care more for me than I do for you?" he murmured, leaning closer to me as he spoke, his dark golden eyes piercing.
...
"Yes I really think that." .. The silence dragged on..
...
Finally he spoke, voice velvet soft. "You're wrong."


MY goodness! It's like reading the modern Romeo and Juliet, although I surely hope Bella and Edward have no such fate! The scene from above takes place in a book I have recently delved into - Twilight by Stephenie Meyer. It's a thriller with a very strong sense of romantic and an underlying sense of witty/sarcastic humor weaved through and through.
My take on it so far:
I am absolutely adoring this book - for reasons obvious and not so obvious. Obvious - what girl doesn't like a novel with a not so perfect girl heroine who meets the guy of her dreams?? Not so obvious - I feel as if I'm living some of my emotions through the characters - especially of course Bella. I have to come to the realization that I no longer believe in fairy tales or fantasies. In my world, reality has taken over, and practicality reigns control. To the point where "prince charming" has been replaced by a down-to-earth vision of a practical, fitting partner - no white horse or such neccessary. But Bella Swan - she is this ordinary, quiet, shy senior in high school who has moved to a brand new town in a brand new setting with brand new people. And somehow in the midst of this she finds Edward Cullen - prince charming with a twist (I won't ruin the twist just in case..) She is in awe of him and totally dazzled when he takes an interest in her! She just simply never expects it. Now, when we think high school - most of us remember the lean chearleaders, and the over-muscular jocks - but who really remembers the quiet, "normal" girls? I was one of them and unlike Bella, my Edward never came - so I grew up. But reading this book makes me think.. if it can be written - if it came from someone's thoughts - a female of course - but nonetheless.. if this kind of dialogue and story can exist in books and movies - than why not real life? Our imaginations couldn't possibly be soooooooo creative that we come up with things so impossible as love? It has to exist.. I'm not saying for me.. now or ever.. but somewhere in this world the kind of depth expressed in such a book has to exist.. it just does.. somehow. I have given up on finding or even searching for anything fairy-talish.. but Bella hasn't, and I can sit here and read and read about it, feel with her what I will not feel in reality and in the end feel renewed. No wonder I like books so much - it's like they give me the things I don't want or have or can survive through in life. I am glad for Ms. Meyer's saga - and very happy for those out there who have seen, heard, or even first-hand witnessed this surge of emotions - it is things like this that renew my faith in life and love to some degree.
As a side note - I wish people.. guys.. like Edward existed - without the twist of course! - he somehow has the greatest control, the deepest passion, the right expression and the right words - all of course at the right time! Now, that perhaps is something reserved for the booky book world! ;)

Some Sound Advice

I received an e-mail today.
It contained a link:
http://www.universalresponse.info/?authcode=588_qs3h88py759z

And this is what I learned.. very appropriate timing I must say:

Questions from "God" were asked, and I answered what I felt, and these were the explanation I obtained from God...

1. What is the most difficult to find in life?
a. purpose of life
b. enough time
c. clarity of direction
d. peace of mind
My answer: d. peace of mind
Explanation I was given: Peace comes from living in the moment, looking for the good in others and letting go of fears. You are not peaceful because you choose to be sorrow long before you experience it.
My take on it: I've learned to live in the moment and forget what cannot be changed and what will become and is unknown; I do my best to stay positive and look for the good in others even besides all the cynisism in the world.. but where I fail and fall is the ability to let go of fears. My fears haunt me.. how do I let them go so easily?

2. What is the most challenging to deal with in life?
a. managing failures
b. staying positive
c. taking correct decisions
d. facing the unknown
My answer: a. managing failures
Explanation given: Failure is God's plan to prepare you for greater responsibilities. Try and fail but don't fail to try. Failure is a natural consequence of trying. Failure is the condiment that gives success its ultimate flavor.
My take on it: Faving the unknown was an answer I close to choosing.. but I think of late managing failures has become more of an obstacle. I understand that failure is needed to preceed success.. but what if in between morale is lost and a person fails to try? Will success ever be granted? Will success ever come without failure?

3. What is hard to let go in life?
a. your ego
b. your fears
c. your past
d. your worries
My answer: b. your fears
Explanation given: Fear is False Evidence Appearing Real. Don't allow your fears to grow bigger than your faith. When you fear you will suffer, you already suffer what you fear.
My take on it: Except for the ego answer, I wanted to choose all of them. Letting go seems to be my biggest flaw in all aspects.. but the hardest.. fears.. is the one I chose. My fears, now that I think about, are based on things that have already happened. So what am I so fearful of? It's like being afraid of something hot, until you touch it once, feel the heat, and know for the rest of your life not to touch that heat (like a hot iron). So, if I have already touched my fear, and I know to stay away from it, than why keep the fear itself around?

4. What is hard to be convinced about in life?
a. God exists
b. Prayers have power
c. Truth wins
d. Adversity helps
My answer: c. Truth wins
Explanation: Truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable. Always tell the truth. That way you don't have to remember what you said.
My take on it: This one is pretty straight forward.. I don't lie.. I can't actually.. I physically become sick if I do.. lol one of the mysteries of the universe. But I have faced those who run from the truth.. and from reality.. and I don't understand why? It is what it is. Be yourself.. Be true to yourself and those around you.. there is not better way to be.

The slideshow continued on with something about how everyone picks a different answer, yet no one is incorrect. We choose an answer based on where we are in life currently. The Universe is supposedly on our sides.. I don't think I believe that.. and is aligned with us to help us with whatever the current situation might be.. again I don't think I believe that. Too many wrongs happen in the world, to the environment, in politics.. even on a personal level.. for me to believe that the Universe is in harmony with us. I used to harp on a concept of perfect harmony many moons ago.. I still have a compilation of my thoughts on that.. but I have ceased to believe it can truly exist. Perhaps it does, but vaguely, and not in my reality. One of the things on this slide caught my special attention: "The events in your life mirror your beliefs"
Yes, they do. They always have. Hence, our beliefs change, events happen and are forgotten, different events happen.. the cycle goes on. Maybe that is why it is the circle - cycle - of life. People are gravitated towards others based on their "beliefs". However, according to this theory.. beliefs changed according to events. So, is this perhaps the explanation for the most common answer of failure, "People change". Perhaps we all have to be in constant motion. Losing and finding and moving on. Life is meant to be lived.. not dwelled upon.. perhaps we are all constantly changing - as much of an oxymoron as that is - and perhaps that is the only way the world can truly be where it is supposed to be.. even the Earth is moving.. the Universe.. all the planets.. so why not us?
Why not us?

A Discovery of Sorts

In these past few months I have been doing what I call "soul searching".. hence I started this blog. A lot of things have effected me in ways I never thought possible. But there is one thing that troubles me the most at this turning point in life. Last year is a year I want to erase from my memory. Unfortunately, I don't have the power or the right to do that. What I can do is learn from the year, and learn from my numerous mistakes. There is a dilemma in this though. I found my biggest regret was being involved too much. I invested my self wholly into it, and I ended up with pieces shattered so badly it has taken me almost all of this year just picking them up! I am finally beginning to arrange those pieces and glue them together, hopefully stronger than before. Now, here is where that problem comes in.. I want to be completely devoted, I really do, without doubts, without inhibitions.. but I'm afraid. Afraid these pieces will fall again. At the same time I don't want to live my life empty or devoid. Nor do I want to live in fear. Do I dive headfirst but only half way, is that any way to live this blessing known as life? Soul Searching has led me in many directions, taught me many lessons, and I have grown stronger in the matter of several months.. but I've reached a fork in the road. And I don't know which path to take. As my favorite poet Robert Frost wrote.. Two Roads Diverged in a Yellow Wood.. and I took the one less traveled by. Should I? Take that path of living a full life at the risk of having to pick up the fallen pieces.. Or trudge through unfeeling and alone in a life devoid of living.. How will I ever know unless I plunge? I don't know if it is a mistake.. I don't know if I will regret.. but I won't know anything unless I go forth.. and hence.. I go forth.

"Brida" & Soulmates

The knowledge I learnt from "Brida": The soul of the world has been splitting over the years. For some reason, it always splits into a male and female counter-part. Thus.. our soulmates are born. However, since so much time has gone by.. we could have more than one soul mate.. our soul could have, and probably did, split more than once.

An appropriate quote from "Brida":
" 'But how will I know who my Soulmate is?' 'By taking risks, By risking failure, disappointment, disillusion, but never ceasing in your search for Love. As long as you keep looking, you will triumph in the end.' 'You could tell your Soulmate by the light in their eyes...' "

My perspective after finishing "Brida": I'm full of hope.. because no matter how much pain has come through, no matter how much falling I have done.. I want to meet my Soulmate. He's out there, and of this I'm convinced.. He's close too, I can feel it somehow.. I just wish I could have some clarity. A moment. That's all I need.. a moment.. and the light in his eyes.

A Strange Thing Called Love

Na jaana na pehchaana, ek andeka anjaana.. aur dil de bheti hoon usse.

This is the strangest feeling. I'm in love, and I don't know who he is. But I'm in love. And I know he's there somewhere, I don't know where, I don't know how.. all I know is I'm in love. A love I've never felt before. I smile without thinking, I sing without knowing, and best of all.. I'm happy for no apparent reason. My birthday is coming and I have made a wish. I want to know who he is.. where he is.. I want him to come in front of me.. I want to meet him.. to know he is the one I love. Maybe I'm being silly.. but it feels too right to not give any thought to. I have faith.. I know my love.. and I know in time it will happen.

Acceptance

Why are people like this. Everyone, everything seems so artificial..so fake.. and yet I want to believe it is real. Is this stupidity or my faith in humanity? We each have our reasons, our inhibitions, our fears, our hopes and our dreams. We don't know each others reasons or dreams.. nor inhibitions and fears.. so than why do we judge so harshly? I wonder why like classes are new, professors are new, buildings are renovated and new.. why can't we all be new? I wonder why we can't start fresh. A stigmatism follows us wherever we go. We are followed by past choices - good or bad.. regretful or pride-filled.. our past follows us. It's like the shadow that doesn't leave with the setting sun. I try to forget. I try to erase, I try to go on, I try to start new. But they won't let me. I made choices because I knew they were right for me, so why don't they let me. Acceptance. I think that should be a class. A required class.

Growing Up

Life is not a bollywood movie. At least my life is not. I've been pretending it is, looking for signs and indications to make believe I'm a certain character. I loved Kuch Kuch Hota Hai growing up.. So I felt I was Anjali first, and that was an awful feeling. Than I got a chance to be Tina and realized I lost again. I can't win in real life as the main character or as the supporting one.. and you know why? Because life is not a bollywood movie. I am a unique, individual character in the movie of life.. so why have I been so busy pretending to be someone else? Well, no more! I'm not a movie, especially not a bollywood one.. I am me.. and my life is going to real.. tough!

As an afterthought.. anyone have any ideas on how to be real? I've lived in my childhood fantasy so long, that now when I am finally growing up and shedding my teenage skin.. I have no idea how to embrace "real" life. I am ready for it, for sure.. I just don't know how.

Renewal

Bud-dho, Bud-dho, Bud-dho.. I've forgotten how refreshing it is to meditate. I used to meditate while walking early in the morning all the time, but that seems so long ago now. It's been a bit over 2 years since I have meditated, until tonight. I feel renewed. A new person. The confidence level in my soul is soaring.. I had forgotten how exhilirating something so simple can be. "Buddho" - a word used to meditate on the Buddha. As the breath goes in, I feel the syllable "Bud" go through my spirit, and my breath departs.. so does the last syllable, "dho". With each in, I take in some good, and with each out, I let out some of the bad. It really is easy to let go.. I had simply forgotten.

Hope Floats.. Away

Every time a ray of hope becomes visible.. Something stands in the way and casts a shadow upon my ray. I'm petrified to be happy again, to see that ray of hope. Because the ray of hope brings a fear of "what bad now?" With this fear to hope, I lose hope.. I watch it drift away from me. Buh-bye hope! I pause here.. only to say.. that now, as I watch hope float away, I'm left with a new friend.. his name is emptiness. He leaves me numb and unable to feel. I embrace him as it feels right. It feels easy. And I'm so very tired.

Friendship

I did not realize how blessed I truly am. Here I am thinking my life has left me empty-handed and lonely, and I turn around to find that I'm not alone at all. I never thought this would happen, but it has, my life now has the good friends I've wanted my whole life. You know how I know that they are true friends? Because they all told me the same thing.. to just relax and let it be, that when I least expect it, something will happen. I told them I loved what they said to me, and how I completely agree with them. One even went to the extent of telling me how I believe it but I won't follow it. That separates good friends from a best friend. This is where I am and it is exactly where I want to be. I remember a few months ago in a conversation with a brother-friend, I remarked how I wanted friends and to have fun and fill my life with friendship before any other relationship could take place. I love people, and the good inside of them.. friendship brings out this good in them, and I realize how much I enjoy being free. Free yet full of love, confident, and ready to walk again.. on my path. Everything has its place, its time.. and this right now, right here, is mine.

Wisdom

A wise woman of age said to me in response to my frustration, "There is a perfect soul-mate meant for each and every one." To which I responded, "Who is he and where the heck is he??" And all she said to me was, "Patience."
Patience.. yes, this is true. I'm still young. Full of hope, full of fear, at a unique point in life. I'm satisfied with who I am, who my friends are, my family is, my life is. Yet, a part of me longs for that special company, that one person who is meant to be. I know, patience, but seriously, where is he? and when am I going to find him? Will I ever find him? I won't just settle. Not now, not ever. Life is to be lived completely, not half-heartedly. I will not settle, no matter what, I won't give in. If I'm not strong now.. how will I ever be?

A new beginning

I am starting a journey. A new beginning of sorts. A lot has happened in the last few years, and I am moving beyond it all. Soul-searching is the appropriate term for what I feel I am now doing. Sometimes I write in a notebook, upon which only my eyes are allowed to fall. Now I am writing here, for all the world to see. This is a new path on my journey, because I see that I am not alone. You are there, I am here, we are in this together. Perhaps someone will share with me, and someone will just pass by. But I know that you at least stopped for one second in your life to look at something I wrote. And for now, that is a step for me. Me who is a writer.. me who is a philosopher.. me who is simply, me.