I don't really know what I want from life - and I've been having a hard time figuring it out. And while I figure it out I've been having melt downs and mood swings like no other - and it is affecting not only me, but those I love most.
So, what do I do?
I started reading a book that takes 52 weeks to help you figure out your passion. You read and write about a certain topic/question every week. This week was the first, and the question was what is nagging me? And to tell you the truth, what I ended up writing surprised even me.
I expected work, family, change, etc. to be the answers for "what is nagging me" - but in reality these are all byproducts of a much bigger "nag" - the answer I came up with? Is this all there is to life? It's been nagging me that this is it in life - I've finished school, I have a well paying job, I have a husband and loving parents. I have a comfortable home and no needs or wants that are lacking. And yet I still question if this is it. The root cause of my unhappiness runs so deep that it surpasses all the daily nags. IT basically comes down to - Am I done with life? I seemed to have achieved whatever I wanted to, so what's left now?
And perhaps the answer to that is what I'm struggling with. Because after getting to this stage I realize that the things I thought would make me happy are not. And I'm not sure why not. I like my life and I like those who are in it and I like the way we all live, then why is there anything nagging at me? I should be grateful and happy that I have a "normal" job and don't have to struggle for money - that I've never had to in fact. But my unhappiness goes further than material things. There is something missing in my life - there has to be, otherwise what I have today would be more than enough. Don't get me wrong - I am grateful, I really am - but I want to go past that and be happy too.
Is that too much to ask for? To find that something that will help me cross into a happy adulthood? I never truly got to be happy as a kid - I wasn't as close to my parents, I didn't have a social network, I only worked/studied hard - didn't really play unless it was on a computer and alone. I thought when I got to be an adult I would be free and able to do what my heart wants and where it guides me. But my heart is confused, it's sad, it doesn't know how to be free and to guide me. I didn't know how to follow it and be proud of myself. I don't know how to stand up for myself, I don't know if this is it for me or if there really is something great waiting for me that will lead to happiness?
In all my soul searching I have learnt that happiness comes from within. But how do you purge the unhappiness roots from within to make space for happy? I want to be excited about something - I want to feel involved, committed - I want to find something that will consume my thoughts and let my creativity and passion flow. I used to be a smart, passionate girl - and I've turned into a passive, desire-less woman. How is that possible? How is it that I feel like I've lost myself - lost who I was and wanted to be. How do I find myself again? Where is that path to the road not taken, how do I change direction and enjoy my road again?
There are a lot of little things that I enjoy - music, reading, writing, technology, food - but the majority of my day is spent in a cubicle working away at projects whose point I don't get. I want to spend a majority of my time being passionate - not tired and uninvolved. And if I can't get involved in what I do now, then I have to find a new passion. Isn't adulthood about living fully?
Isn't life about living fully? We don't get much time on Earth.. shouldn't we spend it loving ourselves and our work? Because without passion, what are we left with?
