I don't really know what I want from life - and I've been having a hard time figuring it out. And while I figure it out I've been having melt downs and mood swings like no other - and it is affecting not only me, but those I love most.
So, what do I do?
I started reading a book that takes 52 weeks to help you figure out your passion. You read and write about a certain topic/question every week. This week was the first, and the question was what is nagging me? And to tell you the truth, what I ended up writing surprised even me.
I expected work, family, change, etc. to be the answers for "what is nagging me" - but in reality these are all byproducts of a much bigger "nag" - the answer I came up with? Is this all there is to life? It's been nagging me that this is it in life - I've finished school, I have a well paying job, I have a husband and loving parents. I have a comfortable home and no needs or wants that are lacking. And yet I still question if this is it. The root cause of my unhappiness runs so deep that it surpasses all the daily nags. IT basically comes down to - Am I done with life? I seemed to have achieved whatever I wanted to, so what's left now?
And perhaps the answer to that is what I'm struggling with. Because after getting to this stage I realize that the things I thought would make me happy are not. And I'm not sure why not. I like my life and I like those who are in it and I like the way we all live, then why is there anything nagging at me? I should be grateful and happy that I have a "normal" job and don't have to struggle for money - that I've never had to in fact. But my unhappiness goes further than material things. There is something missing in my life - there has to be, otherwise what I have today would be more than enough. Don't get me wrong - I am grateful, I really am - but I want to go past that and be happy too.
Is that too much to ask for? To find that something that will help me cross into a happy adulthood? I never truly got to be happy as a kid - I wasn't as close to my parents, I didn't have a social network, I only worked/studied hard - didn't really play unless it was on a computer and alone. I thought when I got to be an adult I would be free and able to do what my heart wants and where it guides me. But my heart is confused, it's sad, it doesn't know how to be free and to guide me. I didn't know how to follow it and be proud of myself. I don't know how to stand up for myself, I don't know if this is it for me or if there really is something great waiting for me that will lead to happiness?
In all my soul searching I have learnt that happiness comes from within. But how do you purge the unhappiness roots from within to make space for happy? I want to be excited about something - I want to feel involved, committed - I want to find something that will consume my thoughts and let my creativity and passion flow. I used to be a smart, passionate girl - and I've turned into a passive, desire-less woman. How is that possible? How is it that I feel like I've lost myself - lost who I was and wanted to be. How do I find myself again? Where is that path to the road not taken, how do I change direction and enjoy my road again?
There are a lot of little things that I enjoy - music, reading, writing, technology, food - but the majority of my day is spent in a cubicle working away at projects whose point I don't get. I want to spend a majority of my time being passionate - not tired and uninvolved. And if I can't get involved in what I do now, then I have to find a new passion. Isn't adulthood about living fully?
Isn't life about living fully? We don't get much time on Earth.. shouldn't we spend it loving ourselves and our work? Because without passion, what are we left with?
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Thursday, December 27, 2012
The Reality of Work
Careers are chosen by 17-year-olds. Those who have barely been on this planet long enough, who have most likely never made such a life decision before - they are the ones who pick careers. Everyone puts their two cents in - do this, not that - this is a good profession, that is not - this is respectable, that is not - this pays more, that does not. But no one ever tells them the most important thing about careers. Your career becomes your life once you get a job.
As an adult you spend a minimum of 8 hours at your job. You spend usually 6-8 hours of the day sleeping, an hour or more driving to and from your job, and maybe an hour getting ready for your job in the morning. How many hours does that leave? 6-7 hours. A majority of your day is spent at your job, doing the thing you picked as a 17-year-old. And people wonder why my generation changes majors so much!
Everyone always says - spend time with your family and friends, your job won't be there for you when you die. But then why do we spend a majority of our hours at work? Why is it that our adult lives are mostly consumed with our jobs, the people we work with, and everything related to that? As a teenager looking at colleges I knew how important a career was for money, the vague future, status, etc. But I didn't really understand how important it was to pick something you can devote your life to. Because like it or not, that is what we all do. We do it for different reasons - love, money, time - but we all devote ourselves to our "jobs."
So what if you make a mistake in picking that first time around? So what if you change your mind in college and pick something else? No big deal, right? Right - it's easy to change your mind in college, you haven't been out in the world and everything revolves around paying tuition. If you can pay it, change your mind as many times as you want. But what if you make a mistake again, but this time you are out of college. You are an adult now and working full-time. What if you decide that your life is not fulfilled. What if you feel a void inside of you all the time. What if you realize you are slowly drifting and your mind is weakening. How do you go about changing things? Do you change your attitude about your life and job (is that why so many people go to therapy?)? Do you go back to school and find a different career (can you really afford that with all the bills you now have?)? Or do you suck it up and realize that misery is synonymous with life? Unfortunately, too many of us follow that last option. It kills our spirit but we do it anyway because all of a sudden we are not in college, it is not easy to change your mind, and that's how you come about being stuck.
I always wondered why adults laughed at kids who were high-spirited. I wondered why they referred to what kids say as innocent and naive. Now I don't wonder anymore. It's because as adults we suppress happiness, we suppress our innocence and our wide-eyed beliefs and become cynical, stuck fools. (And I mean that in the nicest way possible). Maybe it is too late for us. Maybe as adults we do lose heart and we don't believe anymore, but is that really what will happen to all those innocent children we feel through? What about when they grow up and become like us? Is that alright?
I don't know about you but it breaks my heart to realize that someday those kids will grow up and reach a point where they won't believe anymore. Where Prince Charming, the castle, and the dreams will just remain a fantasy. Where real life will kick their butts and they will become disheartened. And what if no one encourages them? What if they have to find their own way? Will they? Something has to change. Maybe not for us - maybe it is too late for us, but what about them? Every generation wants to do something better for the next generation - for their kids and those who will be the future. Maybe this is what we can do? Maybe we can make them aware of what life really becomes like. Maybe we could make them realize how important a job really will be. Maybe we prepare them instead of letting them be blind-sighted. I would love for the world to change and for these kids to be able to follow their dreams and never give up. But really, is that even possible? If it was, wouldn't our parents and grandparents have done it for us?
Society has made us into such molds that if a person doesn't have a career they feel passionate about, or a job that serves their family well, then they are nobodies. These individuals are made to feel as if they are not good enough and that they have to do something. And I agree, they do have to do something, but I believe they should do something they love. Being forced into a job or a situation for reasons you don't like is disheartening. But that is the precise catch-22. If you don't do what is "required" by society you are made out to be a nobody, and if you do what is required, you end up losing yourself in your mind. So I guess it comes down to a personal decision. What is worse, being a failure for everyone else, or being a failure for yourself? You pick.
As an adult you spend a minimum of 8 hours at your job. You spend usually 6-8 hours of the day sleeping, an hour or more driving to and from your job, and maybe an hour getting ready for your job in the morning. How many hours does that leave? 6-7 hours. A majority of your day is spent at your job, doing the thing you picked as a 17-year-old. And people wonder why my generation changes majors so much!
Everyone always says - spend time with your family and friends, your job won't be there for you when you die. But then why do we spend a majority of our hours at work? Why is it that our adult lives are mostly consumed with our jobs, the people we work with, and everything related to that? As a teenager looking at colleges I knew how important a career was for money, the vague future, status, etc. But I didn't really understand how important it was to pick something you can devote your life to. Because like it or not, that is what we all do. We do it for different reasons - love, money, time - but we all devote ourselves to our "jobs."
So what if you make a mistake in picking that first time around? So what if you change your mind in college and pick something else? No big deal, right? Right - it's easy to change your mind in college, you haven't been out in the world and everything revolves around paying tuition. If you can pay it, change your mind as many times as you want. But what if you make a mistake again, but this time you are out of college. You are an adult now and working full-time. What if you decide that your life is not fulfilled. What if you feel a void inside of you all the time. What if you realize you are slowly drifting and your mind is weakening. How do you go about changing things? Do you change your attitude about your life and job (is that why so many people go to therapy?)? Do you go back to school and find a different career (can you really afford that with all the bills you now have?)? Or do you suck it up and realize that misery is synonymous with life? Unfortunately, too many of us follow that last option. It kills our spirit but we do it anyway because all of a sudden we are not in college, it is not easy to change your mind, and that's how you come about being stuck.
I always wondered why adults laughed at kids who were high-spirited. I wondered why they referred to what kids say as innocent and naive. Now I don't wonder anymore. It's because as adults we suppress happiness, we suppress our innocence and our wide-eyed beliefs and become cynical, stuck fools. (And I mean that in the nicest way possible). Maybe it is too late for us. Maybe as adults we do lose heart and we don't believe anymore, but is that really what will happen to all those innocent children we feel through? What about when they grow up and become like us? Is that alright?
I don't know about you but it breaks my heart to realize that someday those kids will grow up and reach a point where they won't believe anymore. Where Prince Charming, the castle, and the dreams will just remain a fantasy. Where real life will kick their butts and they will become disheartened. And what if no one encourages them? What if they have to find their own way? Will they? Something has to change. Maybe not for us - maybe it is too late for us, but what about them? Every generation wants to do something better for the next generation - for their kids and those who will be the future. Maybe this is what we can do? Maybe we can make them aware of what life really becomes like. Maybe we could make them realize how important a job really will be. Maybe we prepare them instead of letting them be blind-sighted. I would love for the world to change and for these kids to be able to follow their dreams and never give up. But really, is that even possible? If it was, wouldn't our parents and grandparents have done it for us?
Society has made us into such molds that if a person doesn't have a career they feel passionate about, or a job that serves their family well, then they are nobodies. These individuals are made to feel as if they are not good enough and that they have to do something. And I agree, they do have to do something, but I believe they should do something they love. Being forced into a job or a situation for reasons you don't like is disheartening. But that is the precise catch-22. If you don't do what is "required" by society you are made out to be a nobody, and if you do what is required, you end up losing yourself in your mind. So I guess it comes down to a personal decision. What is worse, being a failure for everyone else, or being a failure for yourself? You pick.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Poetry for Dreamers - I'm now published!
Today I took a step.
For many years I have written - journals, poetry, essays, anything and everything. I have loved writing but had various emotions about my work. But my dream has always been to be a published writer.
A writer I became at a young age, when I wrote my first poem. I was a child then, but my poetry stayed and evolved with me over the years. And recently I put together a collection of my poetry before 2012 and created a short (40-page) collection. That collection has today been published on Amazon.com.
"Poetry for Dreamers" (sold as a Kindle book on Amazon - can be purchased if you don't have a Kindle)
I'm still a little stunned that I have finally taken that first step towards publishing and getting my name out there. I know it isn't much in the grand scheme of things, but it means a whole lot to me. In a few months I hope to publish another short collection, and after that I might move on to another genre entirely! I'm looking in the direction of creative non-fiction - I have had an idea brewing for a long time, but that might wait until after I get out a creative non-fiction short story collection!
I am a writer, and I couldn't be happier.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
The Present
I thought about making the change for a long time. I knew I was unhappy and that something had to be done. The job wasn't giving me any satisfaction, life was throwing me one curveball after another. I knew I had to take things into my own hands.
I did some thinking and knew if I really wanted to do something else I would have to go back to school. So I became proactive and went to visit schools I thought would be good for me. And what I discovered in a particular moment changed my perspective all over again.
I don't belong on campus anymore. My college years were the greatest, but they are behind me now. I not only have my bachelor's done, but my master's as well. I shouldn't be going backwards and attempting another bachelor's - that is not where my life is at. By walking around on campus I realized just how much I've changed in the last few years. I stopped struggling with being/becoming the person I envision, and started accepting the person I already have become.
My passion has been unilateral since I was a little girl - I love books/reading and I love writing - whether it be poetry, short stories, or blog posts such as this. My career is not my passion, but it is a good career, and one that provides me with the stability my personality has always craved. I am not enough of a risk taker to make my passion my career, nor am I enough of a realist to make my career my passion. But why was I looking beyond both and to something else? I feel like I was trying to hold on to days that gave me happiness. The days where I met some of the greatest people in my life, where I made a lot of fun memories, where I grew up. But I didn't realize that where I am at this current moment is exactly where I want to be.
Our student days are gone, and it is time to move on to the other fun things this life has to offer. I'm getting married soon, and am thrilled beyond belief. I am marrying a man whom I love and who is my best friend - I look forward to spending time with him, enjoying our life together, and even taking trips. I made a choice and came upon the career I'm in for a reason - and that reason is still solid - job stability. My profession (accounting) can go anywhere in this country, and I love the flexibility that offers me. I was always meant for a normal "office" job - that's something I've known for a while, but recently started to admit to myself. No one can stop me from my writing, and if I hold down a great career, then I can afford the things that mean so much to me. I no longer wish to sit in classes surrounded by teenagers, I'm an adult now, and I have different dreams now too. I want to travel with my husband, I want to earn and build our home with him and save for one day having our own family.
This is what matters to me now - this is what has always mattered to me: family. Except now my family extends and it includes my to-be-husband, both of our parents and siblings, and in a few years our own children. My passion and stability are by my side and so are the fun things in life - like traveling - what more could I ask for? I'm content - in the here, in the now - and all I had to do was take a step back and see my present, for truly it is a gift I have received.
I did some thinking and knew if I really wanted to do something else I would have to go back to school. So I became proactive and went to visit schools I thought would be good for me. And what I discovered in a particular moment changed my perspective all over again.
I don't belong on campus anymore. My college years were the greatest, but they are behind me now. I not only have my bachelor's done, but my master's as well. I shouldn't be going backwards and attempting another bachelor's - that is not where my life is at. By walking around on campus I realized just how much I've changed in the last few years. I stopped struggling with being/becoming the person I envision, and started accepting the person I already have become.
My passion has been unilateral since I was a little girl - I love books/reading and I love writing - whether it be poetry, short stories, or blog posts such as this. My career is not my passion, but it is a good career, and one that provides me with the stability my personality has always craved. I am not enough of a risk taker to make my passion my career, nor am I enough of a realist to make my career my passion. But why was I looking beyond both and to something else? I feel like I was trying to hold on to days that gave me happiness. The days where I met some of the greatest people in my life, where I made a lot of fun memories, where I grew up. But I didn't realize that where I am at this current moment is exactly where I want to be.
Our student days are gone, and it is time to move on to the other fun things this life has to offer. I'm getting married soon, and am thrilled beyond belief. I am marrying a man whom I love and who is my best friend - I look forward to spending time with him, enjoying our life together, and even taking trips. I made a choice and came upon the career I'm in for a reason - and that reason is still solid - job stability. My profession (accounting) can go anywhere in this country, and I love the flexibility that offers me. I was always meant for a normal "office" job - that's something I've known for a while, but recently started to admit to myself. No one can stop me from my writing, and if I hold down a great career, then I can afford the things that mean so much to me. I no longer wish to sit in classes surrounded by teenagers, I'm an adult now, and I have different dreams now too. I want to travel with my husband, I want to earn and build our home with him and save for one day having our own family.
This is what matters to me now - this is what has always mattered to me: family. Except now my family extends and it includes my to-be-husband, both of our parents and siblings, and in a few years our own children. My passion and stability are by my side and so are the fun things in life - like traveling - what more could I ask for? I'm content - in the here, in the now - and all I had to do was take a step back and see my present, for truly it is a gift I have received.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
The End - It's Just the Beginning
6:30 AM - her alarm went off.
She rolled over and snoozed the iPhone alarm - it was still dark out. "Ugh - how am I going to get up and manage to make his lunch on time?" she questioned herself in the dark room. Fifteen minutes later Dina slumped out of bed and into her dressing room - she quickly splashed her face to wake up and got dressed - the floor was icy cold and she had to turn off the air conditioning before her feet froze to the floor!
She snapped on the lights of the kitchen and got quickly to work - the assorted veggies were pulled out of the refrigerator and washed - in hindsight she was lucky to have bought 2 of the 4 kinds pre-cut! Setting aside the washed veggies she started the water boiling for the rice - she was going to make him broccoli flavored rice - his favorite vegetable! She turned to her clean veggies on the counter and swiftly began chopping them. He had stocked the kitchen well - the knife was large and sharp, Dina had never been able to cut veggies so quickly, perhaps her determination was a factor along with the knife.
At once she heated up the pan and started sautéing her neatly chopped veggies - zucchini, squash, mushrooms and carrots - lots of lemon pepper (his favorite spice from among those she had introduced to him) and a tad rosemary. The veggies were on their way and the rice simmering - she stacked the dirty dishes neatly next to the sink and made a mental note to clean those and empty the dishwasher from the night before a little later in the day - though not in that order!
Several minutes later the food was ready. She turned off the burners and let the food sit and cool for a while - in the meantime she got the lunch box ready to be packed and the little boxes full of snacks ready to go - a little coleslaw, some almonds and chocolate goldfish crackers, and a few grapes for her soon to be husband. She added some juice and just a few chips as a special treat and boxed up the fresh food she had just prepared. As she finished putting away the remaining food for her own lunch, he walked in and was ready - she had managed all of it in time to enjoy sitting with him on the patio and drinking their morning beverages before it was time to drop him for the train.
A satisfaction came over her when she entered the apartment after dropping him at the train station from where he would head to work. This was the second day in a row she had managed to give him lunch, not feel tired, and feel extremely satisfied with her work. As she looked around she knew this was her household to take care of. Her to be husband was a big and important part of it and she was so grateful for that - like how he had seen the garbage full from the previous night and replaced the bag in the can, but she did not even realize it until she opened the can while cooking lunch in the morning. It had made her pause and smile - to know that he had done that was something so small but so special to her that she realized this was all going to work out well. This was her household and she was proud of it and would put all her love and affection into it to make it the sweetest one for them. And she knew that once he let go of the bread on the counter top they would make it work great. A sweet, simple, full of love house would be meant for them.
She rolled over and snoozed the iPhone alarm - it was still dark out. "Ugh - how am I going to get up and manage to make his lunch on time?" she questioned herself in the dark room. Fifteen minutes later Dina slumped out of bed and into her dressing room - she quickly splashed her face to wake up and got dressed - the floor was icy cold and she had to turn off the air conditioning before her feet froze to the floor!
She snapped on the lights of the kitchen and got quickly to work - the assorted veggies were pulled out of the refrigerator and washed - in hindsight she was lucky to have bought 2 of the 4 kinds pre-cut! Setting aside the washed veggies she started the water boiling for the rice - she was going to make him broccoli flavored rice - his favorite vegetable! She turned to her clean veggies on the counter and swiftly began chopping them. He had stocked the kitchen well - the knife was large and sharp, Dina had never been able to cut veggies so quickly, perhaps her determination was a factor along with the knife.
At once she heated up the pan and started sautéing her neatly chopped veggies - zucchini, squash, mushrooms and carrots - lots of lemon pepper (his favorite spice from among those she had introduced to him) and a tad rosemary. The veggies were on their way and the rice simmering - she stacked the dirty dishes neatly next to the sink and made a mental note to clean those and empty the dishwasher from the night before a little later in the day - though not in that order!
Several minutes later the food was ready. She turned off the burners and let the food sit and cool for a while - in the meantime she got the lunch box ready to be packed and the little boxes full of snacks ready to go - a little coleslaw, some almonds and chocolate goldfish crackers, and a few grapes for her soon to be husband. She added some juice and just a few chips as a special treat and boxed up the fresh food she had just prepared. As she finished putting away the remaining food for her own lunch, he walked in and was ready - she had managed all of it in time to enjoy sitting with him on the patio and drinking their morning beverages before it was time to drop him for the train.
A satisfaction came over her when she entered the apartment after dropping him at the train station from where he would head to work. This was the second day in a row she had managed to give him lunch, not feel tired, and feel extremely satisfied with her work. As she looked around she knew this was her household to take care of. Her to be husband was a big and important part of it and she was so grateful for that - like how he had seen the garbage full from the previous night and replaced the bag in the can, but she did not even realize it until she opened the can while cooking lunch in the morning. It had made her pause and smile - to know that he had done that was something so small but so special to her that she realized this was all going to work out well. This was her household and she was proud of it and would put all her love and affection into it to make it the sweetest one for them. And she knew that once he let go of the bread on the counter top they would make it work great. A sweet, simple, full of love house would be meant for them.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Renewal
My last day of work - it was a mixed bag of emotions. But overall I must say I feel freed! There were some negative weights sitting on my shoulders that no amount of positivity was neutralizing, so I finally just let them go, and boy do I feel good!
I've never realized just how in tune you need to be to yourself and to what your spirit and body tell you. For some time now I had been feeling anxious, nervous, uncomfortable, like something unpleasant was constantly hovering over me. And yes I left work, but there was more to it than that, and as I got away from those things, it dawned on me that the unpleasant-ness is gone.
I am not a superstitious person, but I am a soul searcher, and I do know when I feel a certain way and how it affects me. I like finding my way to answers, and I really hope I have found the ones I needed, because this year has been intense and tough! With the last drops of positivity left in me I am going to have faith that the next few months will go smoothly, and that the peace within me has been restored. Something feels right now, I know the effects will take a while to reverse, but already I feel a good change happening.
Cheers to new beginnings, and finding your true self emerge once again! :)
I've never realized just how in tune you need to be to yourself and to what your spirit and body tell you. For some time now I had been feeling anxious, nervous, uncomfortable, like something unpleasant was constantly hovering over me. And yes I left work, but there was more to it than that, and as I got away from those things, it dawned on me that the unpleasant-ness is gone.
I am not a superstitious person, but I am a soul searcher, and I do know when I feel a certain way and how it affects me. I like finding my way to answers, and I really hope I have found the ones I needed, because this year has been intense and tough! With the last drops of positivity left in me I am going to have faith that the next few months will go smoothly, and that the peace within me has been restored. Something feels right now, I know the effects will take a while to reverse, but already I feel a good change happening.
Cheers to new beginnings, and finding your true self emerge once again! :)
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Love is Life
As the day nears, I am full of emotions. My logic feels cloudy, my heart constantly seems full. I know this is a day all of us think about, some more than others, some planning for it a lot more than others. My wedding day is coming close.
The first event that made the entire process feel real was the bridal shower. A beautiful ceremony/party organized by my mother. My family and friends gathered and truly showered me with so much love and blessings that I was touched beyond belief. I don't see these people too often or chat extensively with them (I am mostly an introvert), but it felt good to know that they had all come together that day for me and my upcoming wedding. So far I have been planning and contemplating on being married and becoming a bride. It's been a nerve-wrecking and stressful process. I am young, and I've never felt my young age until very recently. To know that I will be a wife and responsible for taking care of many things, it slightly terrifies me. But in the midst of all of that I had forgotten the excitement. The bridal shower brought that back into the process. I realized, for the first time really, that I am going to be a bride! Dressing up in special clothes, getting my hair done fancy and being the center of attention made me realize just how special it is to be a bride. My cousin who is just a few years older got married earlier this year and gave me very succinct and sweet advice at the shower. She said - have a moment; during each part of the wedding ceremonies/events take a moment and savor it, enjoy what is going on, look at the groom, just take a moment and make it the moment you will remember. She said someone gave her that advice, and it worked wonders for her. Those moments were the ones she now cherishes because the rest of the wedding process (just like I'm sure mine will be) was a blur for her!
The second event that has made this process become even more real is that I gave notice at work. I had promised my fiance a long time ago that I would go wherever he goes, no matter what, and it has come time to take steps towards that promise. He is in a state far away from me, and I am leaving my job a bit before the wedding to get a grasp on things, move all my stuff, say goodbye to my parents and go get married! It is finally happening and I am finding myself overwhelmed. And it between all the nervousness and excitement, I found myself getting a Macbook Air. I always knew that I wanted this device, I was somehow convinced that it would help me be the writer I want to be. I just knew that if I have something portable and convenient to write with (besides a pen and paper, because apparently I write better when I type) then I would write more, and hopefully writing more will get me in the direction I want to go in. And boy was I right! I have a feeling that besides my parents' affection and my fiance's love, I'm going to need something of my very own to get me through this emotionally charged time, and I can't believe I found it!
MY writing has come back at every stage in my life - I don't think it has or ever will go away. Whatever my ambitions, my goals, my career, my ideals, writing will always be a part of my life - whether it is prominent or not will be determined by my attention to it. I haven't been able to write much lately, because the creative juices just haven't been flowing - my poetry, especially, has suffered. However, I realize that I have been narrowing myself to poetry. When in reality I've shifted to creative non-fiction as my main mode of writing. This shift has been so subtle that I didn't even notice it, but it has certainly happened. So with the help of my new device and my new found open mindedness, I hope to write more - anything I feel anything about, as well as I can write about it. This is my nirvana - this is my peace. It doesn't matter if I don't write anything publish worthy or earth shatteringly great, it just matters that I write. IT matters that I write what I have something to say about. It matters to me, and that is what matters.
So, with this and a deep breath, I believe I am ready for the next phase of my life. The transition has not been smooth, and I don't think the next few months will be smooth either, but I'm sure once I find that rhythm in my new life - my married life, it will be a great one, because at the end of the day it is all always about love.
The first event that made the entire process feel real was the bridal shower. A beautiful ceremony/party organized by my mother. My family and friends gathered and truly showered me with so much love and blessings that I was touched beyond belief. I don't see these people too often or chat extensively with them (I am mostly an introvert), but it felt good to know that they had all come together that day for me and my upcoming wedding. So far I have been planning and contemplating on being married and becoming a bride. It's been a nerve-wrecking and stressful process. I am young, and I've never felt my young age until very recently. To know that I will be a wife and responsible for taking care of many things, it slightly terrifies me. But in the midst of all of that I had forgotten the excitement. The bridal shower brought that back into the process. I realized, for the first time really, that I am going to be a bride! Dressing up in special clothes, getting my hair done fancy and being the center of attention made me realize just how special it is to be a bride. My cousin who is just a few years older got married earlier this year and gave me very succinct and sweet advice at the shower. She said - have a moment; during each part of the wedding ceremonies/events take a moment and savor it, enjoy what is going on, look at the groom, just take a moment and make it the moment you will remember. She said someone gave her that advice, and it worked wonders for her. Those moments were the ones she now cherishes because the rest of the wedding process (just like I'm sure mine will be) was a blur for her!
The second event that has made this process become even more real is that I gave notice at work. I had promised my fiance a long time ago that I would go wherever he goes, no matter what, and it has come time to take steps towards that promise. He is in a state far away from me, and I am leaving my job a bit before the wedding to get a grasp on things, move all my stuff, say goodbye to my parents and go get married! It is finally happening and I am finding myself overwhelmed. And it between all the nervousness and excitement, I found myself getting a Macbook Air. I always knew that I wanted this device, I was somehow convinced that it would help me be the writer I want to be. I just knew that if I have something portable and convenient to write with (besides a pen and paper, because apparently I write better when I type) then I would write more, and hopefully writing more will get me in the direction I want to go in. And boy was I right! I have a feeling that besides my parents' affection and my fiance's love, I'm going to need something of my very own to get me through this emotionally charged time, and I can't believe I found it!
MY writing has come back at every stage in my life - I don't think it has or ever will go away. Whatever my ambitions, my goals, my career, my ideals, writing will always be a part of my life - whether it is prominent or not will be determined by my attention to it. I haven't been able to write much lately, because the creative juices just haven't been flowing - my poetry, especially, has suffered. However, I realize that I have been narrowing myself to poetry. When in reality I've shifted to creative non-fiction as my main mode of writing. This shift has been so subtle that I didn't even notice it, but it has certainly happened. So with the help of my new device and my new found open mindedness, I hope to write more - anything I feel anything about, as well as I can write about it. This is my nirvana - this is my peace. It doesn't matter if I don't write anything publish worthy or earth shatteringly great, it just matters that I write. IT matters that I write what I have something to say about. It matters to me, and that is what matters.
So, with this and a deep breath, I believe I am ready for the next phase of my life. The transition has not been smooth, and I don't think the next few months will be smooth either, but I'm sure once I find that rhythm in my new life - my married life, it will be a great one, because at the end of the day it is all always about love.
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