Love.
In most of my soul searching posts I have pondered on this subject - Love - and always explored something different about it. I've gone on and on about how it should be, and what can be expected, etc. etc. But it took a moment - just one, for me to realize that this "love" I have been talking about and ranting on about is so different than that one instance.
We learn about love from so many different sources: movies, music, books, family, friends, role models, religion, etc. From what I have gathered about love, I have always held this simple, spiritual love to the highest degree. One love where a pleasant, unknown force - like the universe - brings and holds two people together. Allows them to connect in a way beyond materialistic matters. These are great things to speak of and think of. But what about that moment, that time in which you feel all of this?
It wasn't the moment I heard the three most beautiful words, "I love you"; nor moments spent finding interesting places to go to, or good restaurants to eat at; nor any Valentine's or Christmas day. It was a moment when I was all alone, in the dark after the lights turn off for the night and I sat on my bed facing the picture of the God I speak to late at night. I took off a bracelet my beloved had given me for Christmas; I felt that because I missed him I would wear it all the time - I had had him adorn my wrist with it too. But in that moment as I took it off to place it on the shelf in front of the picture, a serene feeling filled my inside. I found myself smiling for no reason - as a thought seeped into my heart and soul. I realized in that brief moment that love wasn't attached to anything - not to a body, not to a gift, not to anything representative of anything else - love was this feeling right here. My love - my beloved - was ever present, in my heart - I didn't need anything else to remember that. And in that moment I felt a love like never before. A love that I knew was the kind I have always seeked, always spoken of, always dreamt of. In that moment I realized that the one thing I have always wanted, has been in my heart.
A connection so simple, so deep, that an unwavering trust can be formed. Is that possible in today's world I wonder? Maybe not for everyone - maybe not for those who have lost touch and lost themselves. But those who want, for those who ask, for those who open up and look inside - it is there. That love human beings crave - the one that is the best of all. This is that love, the love that no matter where, no matter what, will be there. It doesn't need reminders, or things to attach to, no conditions to be placed on it - it is simply there. It fills my soul, and I hope some day it will yours too!
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Birth of a domesticated 21st century woman
I never thought this would happen. Not to me. But it has.. and here is the re-telling of how it happened:
The alarm went off at 8:30 am; I had the morning off, why was I waking up so "early"? I shrugged and pulled my covers off.. stumbled into the bathroom to go through my routine and get myself all prissed and prodded up. I soon realized I could put that off since I didn't have to leave the house for a couple of hours. The pajamas stayed on, and I went back into the bedroom. I opened the blinds of the windows to let in the streaks of sunshine - dull in general, but bright enough for a crisp, winter morning. The computer was next.. my day couldn't start without its awakening. Today I felt like listening to music - so the tv stayed in a slumber. 106.7 lite fm has been playing Christmas music since Thanksgiving, so I tuned into their website, connected my speakers, and filled my room with the sounds of Christmas.
I paused then - just for a moment, before I decided to change the bedsheets. First the pillowcases got stripped off of the pillows, and those put aside on my chair. As I was about to rip off the sheet, I realized I should clean the bed. So, the lemon pledge came out, and a roll of kitchen towels. My dark wood would be shiny by the time I finished with it. I started at the top of the sleigh bed, did the sides, and finished at the foot. I was about to continue with the sheets when I realized the bookshelfs needed some pledge love too! I figured I would keep the old bedsheet on, empty the artifacts in front of the books on to the bed, clean the shelves, clean the artifacts and then proceed with the original task of changing the sheets.
Ten minutes later my room smelled of lemony goodness, and my shelves were shiny and happy. I continued with the sheets and brought out a special Christmas set I had bought a few weeks earlier for a very good price at Target. As I splayed the snowmen and snowwomen all over my bed and ironed out the sheet on top of the bed with my hands.. I realized I was having fun! The Christmas jingles played from my crystal clear speakers.. the scent of lemon and clean filled the air.. the sun shone through the window, and now new sheets adorned my bed. As I stuffed the pillows into brand new pillow cases I found myself smiling. The lemon pledge came back as I decided to clean the rest of the furniture the room held - the desk, dresser, and tv. It was a satisfying job to complete. I looked at the clock and it was only 10 am. By mid morning I had done so much.
My laptop called out to me as I realized I hadn't yet checked my e-mail. I did the daily rounds of facebook and twitter; checked the e-mail, my to do list, any pending work I would have to complete during the week. My stomach growled at me so I turned up the volume of the music and headed into the kitchen. The original plan was to heat up a frozen pizza - simple and quick. But it was only 10:45 and I had until 12:30 before I would have to leave the house. So I perused the fridge and found some fresh vegetables - carrots, asparagus, baby portabella mushrooms, and an orange pepper. I placed everything on the counter and went into the cabinet for my ready-in-7-minutes-already-seasoned-with-teriyaki-noodles. A couple of packets of these always sit in there for days when I feel like having quick pasta or noodles with sauce already in there. I washed and chopped all the veggies, but something was missing - I am such a meat eater! I opened the fridge once more to discover some left over dry chicken my mom had cooked a couple days prior. I pulled a few pieces out, wiped off the spices she had used, and set them in a bowl on the counter. I set my noodles to simmer in a shallow pot on the stove; placed a small wok on the other side, and poured a generous amount of olive oil into it. Next went in some garlic and ginger paste.. I then turned on the heat - last time's splatter experience had made me learn my lesson. Once the oil was moderately warm I placed the already cooked chicken into the pan, followed by chinese hot sauce. I raised the flames and started tossing everything around.. the fun part!! When the chicken was warm enough I added all my vegetables, less the asparagus, and kept tossing; the noodles had another 2 minutes to go, so I added my asparagus and a heaping portion of General Tso sauce into my stir fry. Within two minutes, both my noodles and stir fry were ready. It was 11:30 by this point and I was felt like rushing - but then I stopped, smiled, and decided to savor what I had spent an hour prepping and cooking!
The meal was satisfying - having cooked it myself, from scratch, with fresh ingredients, made it even more savory; and of course the general tso sauce I had decided to try came out delicious! I looked at my empty plate and decided I had enough time to wash the dishes. I pulled up my sleeves and headed back into the kitchen - emptied the leftovers into a container and proceeded to wash everything I had used - including the kitchen counter! I glanced at the clock, it was noon. I headed to my room for the prissing and prodding I had put off earlier, got dressed in my super-cool-cutie-on-the-go-to-college look, smiled and got my stuff to go. My laptop found its way into the hep Nine West bag it belonged in, my Coach bag slung onto my arms, and I grabbed a bottle of water as I locked up and headed out.
I drove to work - as was the norm - spent my several hours working for money that I saved and saved. A class was cancelled that afternoon, so I would find a lounge with a computer, maybe my book, and spend time studying or working on other important things. The night class would roll around, I would take notes as a good student on my laptop of course - to save paper and trees. I was proud of who I had become. One day I woke up "early" and could see so many changes.
I was no longer the child, the young girl, the lazy one. I was a woman, a 21st century one at that - I had a job, I was a student, I was even an environmentalist trying to use less paper! But on that one day I became domesticated.. I cleaned, changed sheets, cooked lunch, washed dishes. Was it possible? Could I be both?? I didn't think so earlier, but on this one day, I discovered I held all the potential possible to be both. This was who I was meant to be - I had struck that balance! It was as good as striking gold..
The alarm went off at 8:30 am; I had the morning off, why was I waking up so "early"? I shrugged and pulled my covers off.. stumbled into the bathroom to go through my routine and get myself all prissed and prodded up. I soon realized I could put that off since I didn't have to leave the house for a couple of hours. The pajamas stayed on, and I went back into the bedroom. I opened the blinds of the windows to let in the streaks of sunshine - dull in general, but bright enough for a crisp, winter morning. The computer was next.. my day couldn't start without its awakening. Today I felt like listening to music - so the tv stayed in a slumber. 106.7 lite fm has been playing Christmas music since Thanksgiving, so I tuned into their website, connected my speakers, and filled my room with the sounds of Christmas.
I paused then - just for a moment, before I decided to change the bedsheets. First the pillowcases got stripped off of the pillows, and those put aside on my chair. As I was about to rip off the sheet, I realized I should clean the bed. So, the lemon pledge came out, and a roll of kitchen towels. My dark wood would be shiny by the time I finished with it. I started at the top of the sleigh bed, did the sides, and finished at the foot. I was about to continue with the sheets when I realized the bookshelfs needed some pledge love too! I figured I would keep the old bedsheet on, empty the artifacts in front of the books on to the bed, clean the shelves, clean the artifacts and then proceed with the original task of changing the sheets.
Ten minutes later my room smelled of lemony goodness, and my shelves were shiny and happy. I continued with the sheets and brought out a special Christmas set I had bought a few weeks earlier for a very good price at Target. As I splayed the snowmen and snowwomen all over my bed and ironed out the sheet on top of the bed with my hands.. I realized I was having fun! The Christmas jingles played from my crystal clear speakers.. the scent of lemon and clean filled the air.. the sun shone through the window, and now new sheets adorned my bed. As I stuffed the pillows into brand new pillow cases I found myself smiling. The lemon pledge came back as I decided to clean the rest of the furniture the room held - the desk, dresser, and tv. It was a satisfying job to complete. I looked at the clock and it was only 10 am. By mid morning I had done so much.
My laptop called out to me as I realized I hadn't yet checked my e-mail. I did the daily rounds of facebook and twitter; checked the e-mail, my to do list, any pending work I would have to complete during the week. My stomach growled at me so I turned up the volume of the music and headed into the kitchen. The original plan was to heat up a frozen pizza - simple and quick. But it was only 10:45 and I had until 12:30 before I would have to leave the house. So I perused the fridge and found some fresh vegetables - carrots, asparagus, baby portabella mushrooms, and an orange pepper. I placed everything on the counter and went into the cabinet for my ready-in-7-minutes-already-seasoned-with-teriyaki-noodles. A couple of packets of these always sit in there for days when I feel like having quick pasta or noodles with sauce already in there. I washed and chopped all the veggies, but something was missing - I am such a meat eater! I opened the fridge once more to discover some left over dry chicken my mom had cooked a couple days prior. I pulled a few pieces out, wiped off the spices she had used, and set them in a bowl on the counter. I set my noodles to simmer in a shallow pot on the stove; placed a small wok on the other side, and poured a generous amount of olive oil into it. Next went in some garlic and ginger paste.. I then turned on the heat - last time's splatter experience had made me learn my lesson. Once the oil was moderately warm I placed the already cooked chicken into the pan, followed by chinese hot sauce. I raised the flames and started tossing everything around.. the fun part!! When the chicken was warm enough I added all my vegetables, less the asparagus, and kept tossing; the noodles had another 2 minutes to go, so I added my asparagus and a heaping portion of General Tso sauce into my stir fry. Within two minutes, both my noodles and stir fry were ready. It was 11:30 by this point and I was felt like rushing - but then I stopped, smiled, and decided to savor what I had spent an hour prepping and cooking!
The meal was satisfying - having cooked it myself, from scratch, with fresh ingredients, made it even more savory; and of course the general tso sauce I had decided to try came out delicious! I looked at my empty plate and decided I had enough time to wash the dishes. I pulled up my sleeves and headed back into the kitchen - emptied the leftovers into a container and proceeded to wash everything I had used - including the kitchen counter! I glanced at the clock, it was noon. I headed to my room for the prissing and prodding I had put off earlier, got dressed in my super-cool-cutie-on-the-go-to-college look, smiled and got my stuff to go. My laptop found its way into the hep Nine West bag it belonged in, my Coach bag slung onto my arms, and I grabbed a bottle of water as I locked up and headed out.
I drove to work - as was the norm - spent my several hours working for money that I saved and saved. A class was cancelled that afternoon, so I would find a lounge with a computer, maybe my book, and spend time studying or working on other important things. The night class would roll around, I would take notes as a good student on my laptop of course - to save paper and trees. I was proud of who I had become. One day I woke up "early" and could see so many changes.
I was no longer the child, the young girl, the lazy one. I was a woman, a 21st century one at that - I had a job, I was a student, I was even an environmentalist trying to use less paper! But on that one day I became domesticated.. I cleaned, changed sheets, cooked lunch, washed dishes. Was it possible? Could I be both?? I didn't think so earlier, but on this one day, I discovered I held all the potential possible to be both. This was who I was meant to be - I had struck that balance! It was as good as striking gold..
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
A Piece of Advice from Rumi
"Let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you really love."
~Rumi
A lot of people have expressed their views on love. I do like a few of them (refer to Valentine's post with quotes from William Shakespeare and the Bible). However, recently, I came across a quote from a source I haven't read much of - Rumi. He wrote about love in a way that I can feel at this point in my life. And what I like most is that he doesn't try to analyze love, he simply tells you to let love guide you. So simple - yet so deep!
I have grown to realize the various forms of love. Of course we all initially think of relationships - what love has come to represent in our society. But love is so much more than that. Love goes beyond our human race, beyond anything materialistic, beyond the world we know. Love is this emotion, this feeling, this thought, this perception that is drenched in spirituality. Since the time I began exploring Buddhism I realized that it was love for which I live. That pure, innocent feeling that causes the lamp in my heart to stay alight. Sounds Romantic and poetisized doesn't it? But it really is not, how do I find the words to explain?
Remember the allegory of the cave? (See previous post) It feels something like that. The understanding of the nature of love, knowing how or what or why - it is impossible to go back to not knowing - it is so difficult to make the others see what causes that shadow! Love makes this world go round, and of this I am thoroughly convinced. Look at the qualities that are generally valued in people of our society today: kindness, generosity, patience, hard-working, trustworthy, etc. etc. Where do you think these qualities stem from? You guessed it, Love. How?? This is what I think:
Kindness is our sensitivity to the world around us - our intuition of how others are feeling and what would help them the most; but what produces this sensitivity, what allows us to be open in this way? Love - for ourself. We learn to love ourself, respect ourself, and be sensitive towards our own emotions. That is the path that leads to kindness towards others. You can't expect someone to be sensitive and kind to others without being kind to themselves first - and that can only happen with a respecting sort of love for oneself.
I could go into how the other qualities stem from love - different types of love. But I won't. This Blog was made with Soul Searching in mind - and somewhere I wandered from that path. But somehow, at every turn, at every point, I find my way back. Now, you make think this is unstable or troublesome - but in reality it's love that pulls me back. Stop. Think. Let it sink in. It is the love for spirituality, finding myself, knowing the intricacies of the world and life in general, and my path using Buddhism that always pulls me back towards it. What does Rumi say? "Let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you really love."
Trust yourself. Listen to your inner voice.
It will never guide you wrong. It is what you really love. IT will pull you, no matter how much you wander, you are connected, I am connected, we are all connected. So, there is no need to fret, no need to stress, no need to be a busy person running around with no head, because what we love, what we really, truly love, is always there. That's right. We don't have to go looking for it, it pulls us towards it - it is always in our life, we just have to let it pull.. and stop resisting of course!
~Rumi
A lot of people have expressed their views on love. I do like a few of them (refer to Valentine's post with quotes from William Shakespeare and the Bible). However, recently, I came across a quote from a source I haven't read much of - Rumi. He wrote about love in a way that I can feel at this point in my life. And what I like most is that he doesn't try to analyze love, he simply tells you to let love guide you. So simple - yet so deep!
I have grown to realize the various forms of love. Of course we all initially think of relationships - what love has come to represent in our society. But love is so much more than that. Love goes beyond our human race, beyond anything materialistic, beyond the world we know. Love is this emotion, this feeling, this thought, this perception that is drenched in spirituality. Since the time I began exploring Buddhism I realized that it was love for which I live. That pure, innocent feeling that causes the lamp in my heart to stay alight. Sounds Romantic and poetisized doesn't it? But it really is not, how do I find the words to explain?
Remember the allegory of the cave? (See previous post) It feels something like that. The understanding of the nature of love, knowing how or what or why - it is impossible to go back to not knowing - it is so difficult to make the others see what causes that shadow! Love makes this world go round, and of this I am thoroughly convinced. Look at the qualities that are generally valued in people of our society today: kindness, generosity, patience, hard-working, trustworthy, etc. etc. Where do you think these qualities stem from? You guessed it, Love. How?? This is what I think:
Kindness is our sensitivity to the world around us - our intuition of how others are feeling and what would help them the most; but what produces this sensitivity, what allows us to be open in this way? Love - for ourself. We learn to love ourself, respect ourself, and be sensitive towards our own emotions. That is the path that leads to kindness towards others. You can't expect someone to be sensitive and kind to others without being kind to themselves first - and that can only happen with a respecting sort of love for oneself.
I could go into how the other qualities stem from love - different types of love. But I won't. This Blog was made with Soul Searching in mind - and somewhere I wandered from that path. But somehow, at every turn, at every point, I find my way back. Now, you make think this is unstable or troublesome - but in reality it's love that pulls me back. Stop. Think. Let it sink in. It is the love for spirituality, finding myself, knowing the intricacies of the world and life in general, and my path using Buddhism that always pulls me back towards it. What does Rumi say? "Let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you really love."
Trust yourself. Listen to your inner voice.
It will never guide you wrong. It is what you really love. IT will pull you, no matter how much you wander, you are connected, I am connected, we are all connected. So, there is no need to fret, no need to stress, no need to be a busy person running around with no head, because what we love, what we really, truly love, is always there. That's right. We don't have to go looking for it, it pulls us towards it - it is always in our life, we just have to let it pull.. and stop resisting of course!
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Allegory of the Cave
Plato had an idea many, many centuries ago (several really, but let's just focus on one). This concept is referred to as the "allegory of the cave." The allegory is as follows:
There is a cave, with a high wall in it (partitioning the cave into two), on the inner part of the wall there are prisoners chained to the wall - and all they can see is shadows on the cave walls; these shadows are caused by the small fire that guards of the prisoners have on the open side of the wall. The prisoners are seeing shadows of the guards and people passing by in the cave due to the fire light, but they cannot actually see anything or anyone. Now, if one of those prisoners is taken out of the enclosed part of the cave and brought to the fire side of the cave, he will be shocked by the light at first, but once he has adjusted, he will be able to see the things that made the shadows. If this same prisoner is next taken out of the cave into the real world with the sun shining - he will at first be blinded by the sunshine, however, once he gets over it, he will begin to realize that the sun is the source of what created the things that made the shadow, and is hence the creator of all things. Here comes the twist - if this prisoner is then taken back to his prison and placed back with the prisoners who only see shadows, he is in a bind. He is no longer satisfied by the shadows - he knows what causes them and what creates the cause - so how can he simply accept the shadow? the illusion? At the same time, if he tries to explains it to his fellow prisoners, it is pointless, because since they haven't seen it, it is hard for them to understand it.
What is the connection of the cave and some prisoner and shadows and light? Us. We are the prisoners, our world the cave.. we see shadows and feel satisfied with it - simply because we don't know or have not experienced anything beyond it. And once we do, it is hard to be satisfied with just this, especially since it can't even be explained to someone else. So, does this prevent us from exploring what is beyond our immediate, materialistic world? I don't think so. But then wouldn't knowing the "beyond" and knowing what exists beyond materialism prevent us from living peacefully within the material world? What a conundrum, eh?
Here is what I think, or my "solution" to this allegory is:
Plato was a smart man - he came up with several notions, one which explained knowledge as something that cannot be taught or learned explicitly, but something that must be discovered or guided towards. The teacher is not there to give all the answers, but to guide the student with a series of questions and situations in order for the student to discover and learn for themselves. If we connect both of Plato's concepts we can find a semi-ok solution - which I would like to think is in play in our world today.
IF someone believes they have been to the sunshine, and have found their way back to the dark cave - our material world - they become our spiritual teachers. Take a look at the Buddha - he is one of the greatest spiritual teachers known to us. Reiki, yoga, meditation, ayurveda - all modes that lead to some form of "beyond." Many people mistaken sprirituality for religion - a fine line does exist, and must be put into play if this allegory has a solution. Religion is organized by us - lead by us - practiced by us - how is that outside of our world then? The sages of ancient India who roamed the forests in search of spiritual nirvana practiced a simple life - a nonmaterialistic life - BINGO!
Nonmaterialism is a stepping stone towards leaving the darkness of the cave. That is the step many of these spriritual teachers have taken. And a true teacher will never give us the answer and force/insist on us following them. Spirituality must be discovered by oneself - guided by the teachers, but learned individually. Look at what the Buddha says to us in so many of the scriptures written by his disciples; he says that in his search he found certain simple ways of living and being that can free us from the mundane, material world - but he also asks us to not follow him blindly - he wants us to explore for ourself, test out those ways and theories and see for ourself if the truth can be reached.
So, if we pause and think, what is it that we haven't experienced, whose shadow is all we ever see and be satisfied with, because we don't know its true form? All I can come up with is: Inner Peace. Think about it - we see materialistic, "shadows" of peace that is temporary at the best. We don't know what causes the shadow, or what creates the cause. We all strive to know the shadow, to know the cause - to obtain inner peace, but how many of us truly know the form, the reality of inner peace? How many of us have felt it? A lot of us might think we have, but if it is fleeting, then it is simply a shadow. Those who attain inner peace - true, sustaining inner peace - tend to stay that way for as long as they live. They cannot come back and embrace the shadows of inner peace, they have found the everlasting version. They try their best to explain it - but can't because those who don't have it don't know what it feels like. Keep the Buddha in mind - his history - and all of this makes a whole lot of sense.
What can we make out of all of this? Now we are aware that we live in a cave, that there is something else out there. How will we find our way there? Well, a lot of people will not. They will always be content with the mundane, the materialistic, cave world of darkness. They will live and strive for homes and jobs and society. Those who attain that, or are aware of the beyond will always strive for the beyond. An ultimate goal comes from this allegory - to find our way out of the cave, to find the source of the shadows - to obtain that knowledge of what it is that causes the source. It is a difficult path - because once we know what we know, believe what we believe - it will be near impossible to not know it anymore, to not believe it anymore. But then again, isn't that what soul searching is all about?
There is a cave, with a high wall in it (partitioning the cave into two), on the inner part of the wall there are prisoners chained to the wall - and all they can see is shadows on the cave walls; these shadows are caused by the small fire that guards of the prisoners have on the open side of the wall. The prisoners are seeing shadows of the guards and people passing by in the cave due to the fire light, but they cannot actually see anything or anyone. Now, if one of those prisoners is taken out of the enclosed part of the cave and brought to the fire side of the cave, he will be shocked by the light at first, but once he has adjusted, he will be able to see the things that made the shadows. If this same prisoner is next taken out of the cave into the real world with the sun shining - he will at first be blinded by the sunshine, however, once he gets over it, he will begin to realize that the sun is the source of what created the things that made the shadow, and is hence the creator of all things. Here comes the twist - if this prisoner is then taken back to his prison and placed back with the prisoners who only see shadows, he is in a bind. He is no longer satisfied by the shadows - he knows what causes them and what creates the cause - so how can he simply accept the shadow? the illusion? At the same time, if he tries to explains it to his fellow prisoners, it is pointless, because since they haven't seen it, it is hard for them to understand it.
What is the connection of the cave and some prisoner and shadows and light? Us. We are the prisoners, our world the cave.. we see shadows and feel satisfied with it - simply because we don't know or have not experienced anything beyond it. And once we do, it is hard to be satisfied with just this, especially since it can't even be explained to someone else. So, does this prevent us from exploring what is beyond our immediate, materialistic world? I don't think so. But then wouldn't knowing the "beyond" and knowing what exists beyond materialism prevent us from living peacefully within the material world? What a conundrum, eh?
Here is what I think, or my "solution" to this allegory is:
Plato was a smart man - he came up with several notions, one which explained knowledge as something that cannot be taught or learned explicitly, but something that must be discovered or guided towards. The teacher is not there to give all the answers, but to guide the student with a series of questions and situations in order for the student to discover and learn for themselves. If we connect both of Plato's concepts we can find a semi-ok solution - which I would like to think is in play in our world today.
IF someone believes they have been to the sunshine, and have found their way back to the dark cave - our material world - they become our spiritual teachers. Take a look at the Buddha - he is one of the greatest spiritual teachers known to us. Reiki, yoga, meditation, ayurveda - all modes that lead to some form of "beyond." Many people mistaken sprirituality for religion - a fine line does exist, and must be put into play if this allegory has a solution. Religion is organized by us - lead by us - practiced by us - how is that outside of our world then? The sages of ancient India who roamed the forests in search of spiritual nirvana practiced a simple life - a nonmaterialistic life - BINGO!
Nonmaterialism is a stepping stone towards leaving the darkness of the cave. That is the step many of these spriritual teachers have taken. And a true teacher will never give us the answer and force/insist on us following them. Spirituality must be discovered by oneself - guided by the teachers, but learned individually. Look at what the Buddha says to us in so many of the scriptures written by his disciples; he says that in his search he found certain simple ways of living and being that can free us from the mundane, material world - but he also asks us to not follow him blindly - he wants us to explore for ourself, test out those ways and theories and see for ourself if the truth can be reached.
So, if we pause and think, what is it that we haven't experienced, whose shadow is all we ever see and be satisfied with, because we don't know its true form? All I can come up with is: Inner Peace. Think about it - we see materialistic, "shadows" of peace that is temporary at the best. We don't know what causes the shadow, or what creates the cause. We all strive to know the shadow, to know the cause - to obtain inner peace, but how many of us truly know the form, the reality of inner peace? How many of us have felt it? A lot of us might think we have, but if it is fleeting, then it is simply a shadow. Those who attain inner peace - true, sustaining inner peace - tend to stay that way for as long as they live. They cannot come back and embrace the shadows of inner peace, they have found the everlasting version. They try their best to explain it - but can't because those who don't have it don't know what it feels like. Keep the Buddha in mind - his history - and all of this makes a whole lot of sense.
What can we make out of all of this? Now we are aware that we live in a cave, that there is something else out there. How will we find our way there? Well, a lot of people will not. They will always be content with the mundane, the materialistic, cave world of darkness. They will live and strive for homes and jobs and society. Those who attain that, or are aware of the beyond will always strive for the beyond. An ultimate goal comes from this allegory - to find our way out of the cave, to find the source of the shadows - to obtain that knowledge of what it is that causes the source. It is a difficult path - because once we know what we know, believe what we believe - it will be near impossible to not know it anymore, to not believe it anymore. But then again, isn't that what soul searching is all about?
Saturday, October 17, 2009
An incomplete completeness
A feeling of syncness I relish,
the complementing habits of our nature,
it all fits into each other so well,
almost like this was the way it was made.
The dark and light complete the color spectrum,
the tall and short the height range,
soul searching they both do,
and stay independent of attachments external too.
His love comes from the Bible,
hers from Sir Shakespeare,
yet she loves him more than he does,
and he feels for her more than she knows.
The way he forgets most everything,
but remembers the littlest things of her,
and the way she does not show emotion,
except when she is filled with love's passion.
Their togetherness is so complete,
and yet on some level incomplete,
in that too it is an ideal blend,
of separate lives and a life joined.
the complementing habits of our nature,
it all fits into each other so well,
almost like this was the way it was made.
The dark and light complete the color spectrum,
the tall and short the height range,
soul searching they both do,
and stay independent of attachments external too.
His love comes from the Bible,
hers from Sir Shakespeare,
yet she loves him more than he does,
and he feels for her more than she knows.
The way he forgets most everything,
but remembers the littlest things of her,
and the way she does not show emotion,
except when she is filled with love's passion.
Their togetherness is so complete,
and yet on some level incomplete,
in that too it is an ideal blend,
of separate lives and a life joined.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
An Act of Love
A patient, kind love
Like the soft, gentle dove.
His warmth fills her soul
And makes her feel whole.
Desire seeps through to the heart
Now it is time for her part.
A love, passionate and deep
Like the deer in the meadow that leap.
Her heart is his whether he is far or near
And that lets him have no fear.
Let both of their loves make them one
After much intimacy, the act is now done.
Like the soft, gentle dove.
His warmth fills her soul
And makes her feel whole.
Desire seeps through to the heart
Now it is time for her part.
A love, passionate and deep
Like the deer in the meadow that leap.
Her heart is his whether he is far or near
And that lets him have no fear.
Let both of their loves make them one
After much intimacy, the act is now done.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
True Love "defined"
A wise person long time ago had said to me:
"Always be with a person who loves you more than you love him"
This idea made sense to me, but always made me a little sad. It would be wonderful to be loved that much of course, but I felt incredibly sad that then the other person wouldn't get to feel as loved as I did - and that to me is quite unfair. Until one day I realized - true love is the solution.
A love so different from the other's, that both are loved more than they love each other. How?! It's so simple I never saw or knew it until now. One filled with a patient, kind love; the other with a passionate love. Each filled more with their kind of love - each loving the other in their own way - and consequently both loving each other more than the other loves. A paradox that actually works.
Lovely, isn't it?
The mystery of love. Who knew it could be this simple, and yet so special.
"Always be with a person who loves you more than you love him"
This idea made sense to me, but always made me a little sad. It would be wonderful to be loved that much of course, but I felt incredibly sad that then the other person wouldn't get to feel as loved as I did - and that to me is quite unfair. Until one day I realized - true love is the solution.
A love so different from the other's, that both are loved more than they love each other. How?! It's so simple I never saw or knew it until now. One filled with a patient, kind love; the other with a passionate love. Each filled more with their kind of love - each loving the other in their own way - and consequently both loving each other more than the other loves. A paradox that actually works.
Lovely, isn't it?
The mystery of love. Who knew it could be this simple, and yet so special.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
A Year Ago This Day
His eyes caught hers across the street. She immediately knew it was him. She whispered his name in her mind. As he approached her, she froze - the nervousness had bubbled in her all day and she couldn't feel a thing!
As they awkwardly shuffled into the cafe, he handed her a birthday present. Her mind finally decided to kick in and she began to analyze the gift as he continually apologized for not wrapping it. She brushed him off by saying it was the thought that counts, all while she puzzled over the puzzles he had brought her. Almost as if he had heard her thoughts, he asked her if she liked crosswords. Feeling like a deer caught in headlights, she quickly responded with a polite smile and explained how she had never really done crosswords, but this was a good chance to try it..
He seemed pleased with her answer and turned to order tea. She was lost in her thoughts of how he hadn't held the door open for her, had rushed ahead to order first, and now had his back to her while ordering. As she was getting entangled in this web she herself had woven, he turned to her to see what would like have. She fell deeper into the web in an effort to avoid the "paying" issue by telling him she was a tad bit undecisive and didn't know what to get yet.
Now that his wallet was put away, she safely ordered a hot coffee and pulled out her own wallet. He murmured something about "you should have told me" and inadvertently caused her to fall even further into that awful web. That's when the awkward set in; they stoof watchin the coffee being made and decided to head out once she picker up her steaming cup from the counter.
Together they started walking up the street towards the university. They were making small talk and all of five seconds had elapsed when she realized the web was gone! An odd sensation came over - she was comfortable. This stranger next to her didn't feel like much of a stranger; she was actually enjoying the walk next to this tall man and found a small smile slowly form across her face. That's all it had taken : five seconds walking next to him. The feeling she felt - it was an unknown one - but she knew it was good.
The evening moved along as they found a nice outdoor spot on campus to sit and indulge in conversation. She found him glancing her way even when the conversation took a pause. Everything felt so nice. It wasn't exciting, not creepy, nor awkward.. simply nice. A wave of calm streamed through her as she sat there with him. And when they walked side by side, as the end of the evening came near, she knew that there was a connection. He had come into her life on her twentieth birthday, and she knew he was here to stay.
As they awkwardly shuffled into the cafe, he handed her a birthday present. Her mind finally decided to kick in and she began to analyze the gift as he continually apologized for not wrapping it. She brushed him off by saying it was the thought that counts, all while she puzzled over the puzzles he had brought her. Almost as if he had heard her thoughts, he asked her if she liked crosswords. Feeling like a deer caught in headlights, she quickly responded with a polite smile and explained how she had never really done crosswords, but this was a good chance to try it..
He seemed pleased with her answer and turned to order tea. She was lost in her thoughts of how he hadn't held the door open for her, had rushed ahead to order first, and now had his back to her while ordering. As she was getting entangled in this web she herself had woven, he turned to her to see what would like have. She fell deeper into the web in an effort to avoid the "paying" issue by telling him she was a tad bit undecisive and didn't know what to get yet.
Now that his wallet was put away, she safely ordered a hot coffee and pulled out her own wallet. He murmured something about "you should have told me" and inadvertently caused her to fall even further into that awful web. That's when the awkward set in; they stoof watchin the coffee being made and decided to head out once she picker up her steaming cup from the counter.
Together they started walking up the street towards the university. They were making small talk and all of five seconds had elapsed when she realized the web was gone! An odd sensation came over - she was comfortable. This stranger next to her didn't feel like much of a stranger; she was actually enjoying the walk next to this tall man and found a small smile slowly form across her face. That's all it had taken : five seconds walking next to him. The feeling she felt - it was an unknown one - but she knew it was good.
The evening moved along as they found a nice outdoor spot on campus to sit and indulge in conversation. She found him glancing her way even when the conversation took a pause. Everything felt so nice. It wasn't exciting, not creepy, nor awkward.. simply nice. A wave of calm streamed through her as she sat there with him. And when they walked side by side, as the end of the evening came near, she knew that there was a connection. He had come into her life on her twentieth birthday, and she knew he was here to stay.
Monday, July 20, 2009
A Path to Happiness
1. Live in the present.
2. Find inner peace.
3. Successful happiness.
So, number 1 seems to be self-explanatory - and number 3 the result.. so let's focus on number 2, and my latest topic of soul searching: Inner peace.
I have known for a while now that inner peace is not a temporary state. And if lasts temporarily, then it's not really inner peace. I've been told by some that they attain inner peace for a little while and at the slight provocation of others they fly into a rage and are pushed into leaving their inner peace. Honestly, that's not inner peace then. Peace is not some bug you are going to get for a while that others can drive away. Peace is a sort of permanence that you found and develop and grow into something stable. Inner peace cannot be obtained so easily as to be lost almost instantaneously. It is a lasting feeling, a lasting perception, that takes us straight to nirvana - to enlightenment.
I recently read a short book, "A Path to Happiness" by Thubten Chodron. It is a series of talks given by a Buddhist nun. And boy does she do a good job of explaining herself! However, most of what she says is what I've always felt or believed in. Reading the book felt like reassurance for my thoughts, and urged me to delve a bit deeper to try and understand the other side - the folks who this book is geared towards - those who have constantly told me they "lose" their inner peace. Don't they see? It's so clear, and yet they seem entrapped.
Chodron puts one particular aspect of all of this very nicely:
"When we're outrageously angry or burning with jealousy or when attachment is eating away at us, we can't deny that we have these negative emotions. Of course, we try to say that it's the other person's fault, that we have these horrible emotions only because they made us have them. But after we've listened to the Buddha's teachings, this rationale doesn't work any more. We know in our hearts that our happiness and suffering come from our own minds. Then, even though we try to blame our difficulties on other people, we know we can't. We are forced to look at them ourselves. And when we do, we also see that they are incredible opportunities to grow and learn."
There are so many things explained in this simple paragraph that I don't even know where to begin. For example, the simple fact that negative emotions blind us to the point where we ignore the reality of the situation and simply look to blame others. This notion seems to be within human nature so deeply, that it feels hard to get rid of. But the truth is so blatant, that someone has got to be truly, heavily ignorant to not realize that blaming is probably one of the worst actions we can do. I particularly come away from Chodron's paragraph with the sensibility that no one can hinder our path to enlightenment, except ourselves - our mind. It is we who decide our happiness and suffering. Others come along on the path and are there only on the sideline - even those who we feel hinder us from our path, are really there to teach us some lesson. From everything good, and everything bad, comes something for us to learn - and to grow!
The people who harm us end up pushing us towards our Dharma in search of answers we wouldn't seek if things were always good. Take a look at the soul searching I am doing right now - it all started a long time ago out of a very bad experience. That situation left me asking many questions, and with no answers. And today I'm in a place where I can not only look at the answers, but actually see them carefully. Out of all of this, I've realized, Karma, Dharma, Life only helps those who help themselves. Inner peace is easier then a lot of people seem to think. A lot more permanent then others want to believe. All it takes is living in the present - forgetting the past, not worrying about what's next. The true task is staying calm. It's easy being a monk in a monastery - try being a monk in bustling society.
Impermanence is the other name of life. People are born, people die - every second of the day. Situations are great and some are dire - they change with the seasons. Time seems the only continuity and even that never ceases to change. And from all of this stems peace. It is permanent, and it is the only relief from impermanence. At the end of the day - at the end of life - it is the peace that will deliver, no one, no thing, else. We must end suffering, and it will only end with our minds, our senses being in check and control. I was once asked how I could be a Hindu and believe in Buddhism? And this is exactly how; as I sit here and write this I realize I am simultaneously thinking of the Buddha and Krishna. The Buddha preached about enlightenment and nirvana, and showed us how peace and bringing our mind into a firm meditation will help us achieve that. And Krishna - embarked on a chariot - represents the virtue of self, the right path that we must follow. His horses, the reign he holds as he drives Arjuna's chariot represent Krishna reigning his senses - holding a firm mind, and not letting the situation deter him.
They are all telling us the same thing. The Buddha, Krishna, Ms. Chodron. Inner peace is our path to happiness - our path to a higher sense - something away from worldly things. All we have to do is listen. Is to be aware, to live in the moment, to be conscious of every moment - to let our minds meditate. We need not fear others, we have no enemies, our biggest challenge is our self. I am a 100% sure that what our ancestors messages say, we understand - accepting it for what it is.. there is the difficulty, and the challenge, that we must overcome, and before long it will all fall into place..
Hence, the path to happiness therein lies.
2. Find inner peace.
3. Successful happiness.
So, number 1 seems to be self-explanatory - and number 3 the result.. so let's focus on number 2, and my latest topic of soul searching: Inner peace.
I have known for a while now that inner peace is not a temporary state. And if lasts temporarily, then it's not really inner peace. I've been told by some that they attain inner peace for a little while and at the slight provocation of others they fly into a rage and are pushed into leaving their inner peace. Honestly, that's not inner peace then. Peace is not some bug you are going to get for a while that others can drive away. Peace is a sort of permanence that you found and develop and grow into something stable. Inner peace cannot be obtained so easily as to be lost almost instantaneously. It is a lasting feeling, a lasting perception, that takes us straight to nirvana - to enlightenment.
I recently read a short book, "A Path to Happiness" by Thubten Chodron. It is a series of talks given by a Buddhist nun. And boy does she do a good job of explaining herself! However, most of what she says is what I've always felt or believed in. Reading the book felt like reassurance for my thoughts, and urged me to delve a bit deeper to try and understand the other side - the folks who this book is geared towards - those who have constantly told me they "lose" their inner peace. Don't they see? It's so clear, and yet they seem entrapped.
Chodron puts one particular aspect of all of this very nicely:
"When we're outrageously angry or burning with jealousy or when attachment is eating away at us, we can't deny that we have these negative emotions. Of course, we try to say that it's the other person's fault, that we have these horrible emotions only because they made us have them. But after we've listened to the Buddha's teachings, this rationale doesn't work any more. We know in our hearts that our happiness and suffering come from our own minds. Then, even though we try to blame our difficulties on other people, we know we can't. We are forced to look at them ourselves. And when we do, we also see that they are incredible opportunities to grow and learn."
There are so many things explained in this simple paragraph that I don't even know where to begin. For example, the simple fact that negative emotions blind us to the point where we ignore the reality of the situation and simply look to blame others. This notion seems to be within human nature so deeply, that it feels hard to get rid of. But the truth is so blatant, that someone has got to be truly, heavily ignorant to not realize that blaming is probably one of the worst actions we can do. I particularly come away from Chodron's paragraph with the sensibility that no one can hinder our path to enlightenment, except ourselves - our mind. It is we who decide our happiness and suffering. Others come along on the path and are there only on the sideline - even those who we feel hinder us from our path, are really there to teach us some lesson. From everything good, and everything bad, comes something for us to learn - and to grow!
The people who harm us end up pushing us towards our Dharma in search of answers we wouldn't seek if things were always good. Take a look at the soul searching I am doing right now - it all started a long time ago out of a very bad experience. That situation left me asking many questions, and with no answers. And today I'm in a place where I can not only look at the answers, but actually see them carefully. Out of all of this, I've realized, Karma, Dharma, Life only helps those who help themselves. Inner peace is easier then a lot of people seem to think. A lot more permanent then others want to believe. All it takes is living in the present - forgetting the past, not worrying about what's next. The true task is staying calm. It's easy being a monk in a monastery - try being a monk in bustling society.
Impermanence is the other name of life. People are born, people die - every second of the day. Situations are great and some are dire - they change with the seasons. Time seems the only continuity and even that never ceases to change. And from all of this stems peace. It is permanent, and it is the only relief from impermanence. At the end of the day - at the end of life - it is the peace that will deliver, no one, no thing, else. We must end suffering, and it will only end with our minds, our senses being in check and control. I was once asked how I could be a Hindu and believe in Buddhism? And this is exactly how; as I sit here and write this I realize I am simultaneously thinking of the Buddha and Krishna. The Buddha preached about enlightenment and nirvana, and showed us how peace and bringing our mind into a firm meditation will help us achieve that. And Krishna - embarked on a chariot - represents the virtue of self, the right path that we must follow. His horses, the reign he holds as he drives Arjuna's chariot represent Krishna reigning his senses - holding a firm mind, and not letting the situation deter him.
They are all telling us the same thing. The Buddha, Krishna, Ms. Chodron. Inner peace is our path to happiness - our path to a higher sense - something away from worldly things. All we have to do is listen. Is to be aware, to live in the moment, to be conscious of every moment - to let our minds meditate. We need not fear others, we have no enemies, our biggest challenge is our self. I am a 100% sure that what our ancestors messages say, we understand - accepting it for what it is.. there is the difficulty, and the challenge, that we must overcome, and before long it will all fall into place..
Hence, the path to happiness therein lies.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
An Old Poem Recalled - What does it mean?
Someday I hope to be
A person that is living
Have a soul that is free
And in the sky be flying.
Today I am mellow
The sky is a crisp blue
There is a bold fellow
Who of the world has a clue.
This fellow I hope to meet
Take a stroll in the park
See the path tread by his feet
And ask him for an ark.
I want him to save me
Truth shall be told
My protector is he
Who of the heart keeps hold.
(July 13, 2008)
A person that is living
Have a soul that is free
And in the sky be flying.
Today I am mellow
The sky is a crisp blue
There is a bold fellow
Who of the world has a clue.
This fellow I hope to meet
Take a stroll in the park
See the path tread by his feet
And ask him for an ark.
I want him to save me
Truth shall be told
My protector is he
Who of the heart keeps hold.
(July 13, 2008)
Friday, May 15, 2009
Mr. Sherwani
Under the sunny, clear, blue sky in the clearing of the forest I heard the galloping of a horse. As I turned towards the sound I saw a beautiful white horse immerse from the thick of the trees. The most beautiful man I have ever seen was mounted on the horse, and wearing a dark red sherwani with a cream chuni wrapped around his neck. I stood there frozen to the ground, staring in amazement, with my eyes glazing over. Was this it? He tugged on the reigns and his horse slowed to a trot as he came nearer to the place where I was standing. He smiled innocently and his eyes showed me his strong yet sensitive personality. Before I knew it, he reached me, and came to a halt. With a most graceful move he was off the horse and inches away from my face. Before I knew it, his hand brushed against my shoulder and he softly said “Divya.”
I began to wonder how he knew my name, and before I could come up with an answer, he started to shake me and got louder saying “Divya! Divya!! Come on!! Get up!!!”
HUH?!
My eyes opened, and my fairy tale, well it remained a fairy tale. I saw Mona standing above my bed frowning with her hands on her hip.
“Ugh, Mona come on, I was in the middle of a fabulous dream…”
Mona gave me one of her rolling-eye-stifling-laugh look and said, “Ya ya the one with the sherwani hottie?”
I laughed and sat up in bed, “you know it” I said as I started to fix my hair into a ponytail. I let out a sigh and jumped out of my bed, pulled my robe tightly around me, and slipped my feet into fuzzy slippers.
“Mona, I really wish this sherwani guy were real or at least if I could meet someone who’s something like him.” I headed towards the closet and started pulling on a pair of dark jeans and a dark red blouse.
“Div, you’re awake, get over it, we’re 19-year-old pre-med students. Our life consists of studying, studying, and some more studying.” I admired the way she could talk and wear flawless make-up at the same time.
After seeing the half dreamy, half sad look on my face, Mona lightened up the atmosphere by adding, “Girl, forget about Mr. Sherwani, we need to think about Mr. Roony and anatomy unless you want to get yours and my ass kicked by being late to class again!! I don’t want him chasing me down the hallway to come to class like that other girl!” I snapped out of my daze almost immediately, gave a weak laugh, finished zipping up my sweatshirt, grabbed my bag, and taunted Mona because I beat her out the door.
***
I went through my day as usual, classes, meals, naps… but Mr. Sherwani refused to leave my mind. I was a very practical girl, but somewhere deep down inside me, hidden in the depths was a little girl who wanted to be a princess and was waiting for her prince to come on a beautiful white horse to sweep her up in his arms and be hers forever. IF only!
I think the only thing that set me apart from a Disney story was that my prince was always dressed in an intricately embroidered dark red “sherwani,” which is a fancy Indian outfit for men. I don’t even know why this was the way it was. I was of Indian descent but had been in New Jersey for practically my whole life. Yet, my dream always, always, always, had a gorgeous Indian guy with a beautiful sherwani.
Was I crazy? Did this guy even exist, could a guy like that even exist!? I envied my cousins; they had all somehow managed to get wonderful Indian guys who were strong yet sweet, tall and handsome, and downright perfect matches. My teenage-hood had pretty much consisted of rebelling, a couple of unsuccessful heart-breaking relationships, and a whole lot of studying. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m a beautiful girl, and definitely not a geek, but becoming a doctor is a long, hard process and took a lot out of me even just at the pre-med level. But my teenage years were rapidly coming to an end. In just a few months I was going to turn twenty and my supposedly fabulous twenties were going to begin.
Lately, the “Mr. Sherwani” dream had been occurring more often. I didn’t know what it all meant, or what I should do about it, I just kept hoping my dream would somehow turn into a reality.
And one day, it did! No, I’m just kidding. I do have a sense of humor you know. Ok, I know, not really funny, but life is not a fairy tale, and I’m still only 19, and I do live in the practical world. Perhaps some day my galloping Mr. Sherwani will come along, hopefully, but until then, all I have is Mr. Roony’s anatomy, just like Mona said.
6/30/2008
I began to wonder how he knew my name, and before I could come up with an answer, he started to shake me and got louder saying “Divya! Divya!! Come on!! Get up!!!”
HUH?!
My eyes opened, and my fairy tale, well it remained a fairy tale. I saw Mona standing above my bed frowning with her hands on her hip.
“Ugh, Mona come on, I was in the middle of a fabulous dream…”
Mona gave me one of her rolling-eye-stifling-laugh look and said, “Ya ya the one with the sherwani hottie?”
I laughed and sat up in bed, “you know it” I said as I started to fix my hair into a ponytail. I let out a sigh and jumped out of my bed, pulled my robe tightly around me, and slipped my feet into fuzzy slippers.
“Mona, I really wish this sherwani guy were real or at least if I could meet someone who’s something like him.” I headed towards the closet and started pulling on a pair of dark jeans and a dark red blouse.
“Div, you’re awake, get over it, we’re 19-year-old pre-med students. Our life consists of studying, studying, and some more studying.” I admired the way she could talk and wear flawless make-up at the same time.
After seeing the half dreamy, half sad look on my face, Mona lightened up the atmosphere by adding, “Girl, forget about Mr. Sherwani, we need to think about Mr. Roony and anatomy unless you want to get yours and my ass kicked by being late to class again!! I don’t want him chasing me down the hallway to come to class like that other girl!” I snapped out of my daze almost immediately, gave a weak laugh, finished zipping up my sweatshirt, grabbed my bag, and taunted Mona because I beat her out the door.
***
I went through my day as usual, classes, meals, naps… but Mr. Sherwani refused to leave my mind. I was a very practical girl, but somewhere deep down inside me, hidden in the depths was a little girl who wanted to be a princess and was waiting for her prince to come on a beautiful white horse to sweep her up in his arms and be hers forever. IF only!
I think the only thing that set me apart from a Disney story was that my prince was always dressed in an intricately embroidered dark red “sherwani,” which is a fancy Indian outfit for men. I don’t even know why this was the way it was. I was of Indian descent but had been in New Jersey for practically my whole life. Yet, my dream always, always, always, had a gorgeous Indian guy with a beautiful sherwani.
Was I crazy? Did this guy even exist, could a guy like that even exist!? I envied my cousins; they had all somehow managed to get wonderful Indian guys who were strong yet sweet, tall and handsome, and downright perfect matches. My teenage-hood had pretty much consisted of rebelling, a couple of unsuccessful heart-breaking relationships, and a whole lot of studying. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m a beautiful girl, and definitely not a geek, but becoming a doctor is a long, hard process and took a lot out of me even just at the pre-med level. But my teenage years were rapidly coming to an end. In just a few months I was going to turn twenty and my supposedly fabulous twenties were going to begin.
Lately, the “Mr. Sherwani” dream had been occurring more often. I didn’t know what it all meant, or what I should do about it, I just kept hoping my dream would somehow turn into a reality.
And one day, it did! No, I’m just kidding. I do have a sense of humor you know. Ok, I know, not really funny, but life is not a fairy tale, and I’m still only 19, and I do live in the practical world. Perhaps some day my galloping Mr. Sherwani will come along, hopefully, but until then, all I have is Mr. Roony’s anatomy, just like Mona said.
6/30/2008
Monday, March 23, 2009
The Dalai Lama Piece
Take a look at this link:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29841454/?gt1=43001
Is this what our world has really become? A competition of money vs. everything else..??
The Dalai Lama is an advocate of peace and follows the buddhist path. And HE was barred from a peace conference? Are you serious? I don't know whether to shake my head or laugh at the irony..
I don't care much for politics, and do not wish to get involved in any political matters, but you bring in something pure and innocent and turn it into a hypocrite action - I object! Hypocricy has definitely taken precedence as my biggest problem with the world we live in and our society. A man who is well known for his peace related talks and his simple advice is being told not to attend an event because of the country who doesn't accept his views. Dalai Lama had to leave China because his views didn't go with the norm.. now that country still won't leave him alone. A peace conference is being held in South Africa, and just to save the economic tie with China, South Africa has said the Dalai Lama cannot attend.
Why is it money dictates everything? Why can't an individual, an idea, a concept take prevalence? The whole point of a peace conference is "peace".. and yet that has propelled South Africa to stop a peaceful man. Somehow this doesn't make sense to me. Human value, what we stand for, the things we try to talk about and celebrate (like peace) are all depreciated when all of a sudden money or the economy is involved!
I wonder sometimes, is that what everything really comes down to for people? The economy - how much money is circulating, which country is trading with which other, if someone doesn't like someone they will get their "friends" to not like them - I mean come on, did the world never leave high school?! Whatever has happened to the spirit of people.. have they forgotten that we created the economy. Economics and business is a man-made, technically hypothetical, entity. We made it, and now we are being consumed by it.
Somehow I feel that the followers, believers, or simply good-wishers of the Dalai Lama will be in an uproar. But the Dalai Lama will probably accept it quietly as is the way of a truly peaceful buddhist. The path he follows is a difficult one, and in the world we live in - an almost impossible one. If one man can adhere to his path, why have the rest of us forgotten it? Yes we all have different goals, yes it is entirely foolish to never think about finances in this world, but no our lives cannot revolve around money - no matter what our goal, no matter what our path. Money is superficial - it will come and it will go. I think most of us want something more permanent in our lives. Don't we?
I certainly do. Peace is permanent in one's mind. We may feel that there might be outside factors that drag us back from our peace - or things that prevent us from feeling it. Some of us start out to find peace, claim we do, and the minute something goes wrong, fall right back to where we were before "peace" found us.. that is not really peace - that is a manifestation. I read somewhere once that it is very easy to be a peaceful person amongst a group of monks in a secluded forest.. but the true test is being a peaceful person amongst the bustling world all around us. That is the task the Dalai Lama is being put to.. that is the test we are all put through. Obtaining and maintaining a peaceful mind, a pure heart.. in a world run by the "economy." I wonder.. how many will pull through?
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29841454/?gt1=43001
Is this what our world has really become? A competition of money vs. everything else..??
The Dalai Lama is an advocate of peace and follows the buddhist path. And HE was barred from a peace conference? Are you serious? I don't know whether to shake my head or laugh at the irony..
I don't care much for politics, and do not wish to get involved in any political matters, but you bring in something pure and innocent and turn it into a hypocrite action - I object! Hypocricy has definitely taken precedence as my biggest problem with the world we live in and our society. A man who is well known for his peace related talks and his simple advice is being told not to attend an event because of the country who doesn't accept his views. Dalai Lama had to leave China because his views didn't go with the norm.. now that country still won't leave him alone. A peace conference is being held in South Africa, and just to save the economic tie with China, South Africa has said the Dalai Lama cannot attend.
Why is it money dictates everything? Why can't an individual, an idea, a concept take prevalence? The whole point of a peace conference is "peace".. and yet that has propelled South Africa to stop a peaceful man. Somehow this doesn't make sense to me. Human value, what we stand for, the things we try to talk about and celebrate (like peace) are all depreciated when all of a sudden money or the economy is involved!
I wonder sometimes, is that what everything really comes down to for people? The economy - how much money is circulating, which country is trading with which other, if someone doesn't like someone they will get their "friends" to not like them - I mean come on, did the world never leave high school?! Whatever has happened to the spirit of people.. have they forgotten that we created the economy. Economics and business is a man-made, technically hypothetical, entity. We made it, and now we are being consumed by it.
Somehow I feel that the followers, believers, or simply good-wishers of the Dalai Lama will be in an uproar. But the Dalai Lama will probably accept it quietly as is the way of a truly peaceful buddhist. The path he follows is a difficult one, and in the world we live in - an almost impossible one. If one man can adhere to his path, why have the rest of us forgotten it? Yes we all have different goals, yes it is entirely foolish to never think about finances in this world, but no our lives cannot revolve around money - no matter what our goal, no matter what our path. Money is superficial - it will come and it will go. I think most of us want something more permanent in our lives. Don't we?
I certainly do. Peace is permanent in one's mind. We may feel that there might be outside factors that drag us back from our peace - or things that prevent us from feeling it. Some of us start out to find peace, claim we do, and the minute something goes wrong, fall right back to where we were before "peace" found us.. that is not really peace - that is a manifestation. I read somewhere once that it is very easy to be a peaceful person amongst a group of monks in a secluded forest.. but the true test is being a peaceful person amongst the bustling world all around us. That is the task the Dalai Lama is being put to.. that is the test we are all put through. Obtaining and maintaining a peaceful mind, a pure heart.. in a world run by the "economy." I wonder.. how many will pull through?
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Why Worry?
Everyone worries. I know that, it's obvious, but reading this article and the comments left by people brought it to the forefront: http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/omag_200708_worry/1
So, everyone worries. I worry. About anything to everything. Sometimes we worry about things that need worrying, and sometimes about things that we know we shouldn't worry about, and yet can't help but worry. Where has peace gone from society? Up in smokes I would say. It's no longer about society or community, it's about the individual. I don't think our world will ever find its way to a harmonious way to live - and that's not cynisism, just plain truth - however, the silver lining lies in the individual and finding an individualistic way to to not worry. Now by not worry, I don't mean never have another doubt in your life - I seriously doubt that's possible, we all have some problem, no matter what. I believe it has to do more with how we handle the worries that come our way. Let's look at an example of a mistake I made, and how I'm finding my way to the surface and realizing, it was all in my head:
For a long time now I have had aspirations to become a doctor. It wasn't one of those instant decisions, and took a lot of thinking, sorting, and changing to get to the conclusion that this is what I want to do. Forever. I have a difficulty accepting things long-term. At the same time I'm afraid of change - complex isn't it? Well, apparently when it comes to people and situations it is difficult to deal with change; when it comes to something I'm involved in that goes not as planned, I have a difficulty accepting it - so the solution: I quit.
I quit karate lessons, playing the saxaphone, flute, volleyball team, track team, even my beloved Kathak dance classes. And now after five years, I've quit the one thing I felt I had stuck to the longest: EMS. Well, I'm still an EMT, and I think that one blows it out of proportion slightly because I am still a part of it, just not actively. Anyway - the point: I've always quit and run away when things get tough - even if I am good at what I do. Now, those were all minor hurdles, what about this big one looking at me in the eye?? Med School.
I'm 5 months away - and quite frankly, scared. So scared that upon the first real hurdle in the reality of things I got majorly cold feet. Just like that I thought I would change my major and run away from this, just like all those minor things way back when. It took me a week to realize what a mistake that would be. I haven't invested all this time and energy into this profession for no reason. I had forgotten the real reason for starting - and that kept me going. I'm good at this stuff. And I let one bad grade, on one bad day, get in the way of my confidence. It's been a while since I've been able to see results that show me I'm good at what I do. Yes that might be a bit self-centered - but it keeps my confidence level up and allows me to keep going. I got that reminder today! A good grade! I didn't know I could feel like a little kid again - so hopeful and full of energy because of a grade! I haven't felt like this in years, since childhood when I used to love school, and love learning, and love excelling! I had forgotten all these years, and it feels refreshing to be awakened to that sense again.
Why worry? I can't give you any good reasons. Heck, I can't give you any reasons at all. I know I won't stop worrying. I don't think anyone can really stop worrying. But I'm handling my worry - by facing it, making a list, and getting it done. I feel happy. A strange happiness - not the calm sort, or the joyful sort, but a "I can do it!" sort. I wonder how long this new confidence can last, but I plan on using every last bit of it, because it makes me happy. This is who I am, school and learning happen to be my hobby, and I can't believe I forgot that! Fears are natural, worry is too, but I feel ready to tackle those fears, to ward off the worries. It won't be easy - as much as family and friends and society exist - we live in an individualistic world. I know I have a support system, but today is special - Today, I have joined my own support system.
... And that is how I'm handling Worry :)
So, everyone worries. I worry. About anything to everything. Sometimes we worry about things that need worrying, and sometimes about things that we know we shouldn't worry about, and yet can't help but worry. Where has peace gone from society? Up in smokes I would say. It's no longer about society or community, it's about the individual. I don't think our world will ever find its way to a harmonious way to live - and that's not cynisism, just plain truth - however, the silver lining lies in the individual and finding an individualistic way to to not worry. Now by not worry, I don't mean never have another doubt in your life - I seriously doubt that's possible, we all have some problem, no matter what. I believe it has to do more with how we handle the worries that come our way. Let's look at an example of a mistake I made, and how I'm finding my way to the surface and realizing, it was all in my head:
For a long time now I have had aspirations to become a doctor. It wasn't one of those instant decisions, and took a lot of thinking, sorting, and changing to get to the conclusion that this is what I want to do. Forever. I have a difficulty accepting things long-term. At the same time I'm afraid of change - complex isn't it? Well, apparently when it comes to people and situations it is difficult to deal with change; when it comes to something I'm involved in that goes not as planned, I have a difficulty accepting it - so the solution: I quit.
I quit karate lessons, playing the saxaphone, flute, volleyball team, track team, even my beloved Kathak dance classes. And now after five years, I've quit the one thing I felt I had stuck to the longest: EMS. Well, I'm still an EMT, and I think that one blows it out of proportion slightly because I am still a part of it, just not actively. Anyway - the point: I've always quit and run away when things get tough - even if I am good at what I do. Now, those were all minor hurdles, what about this big one looking at me in the eye?? Med School.
I'm 5 months away - and quite frankly, scared. So scared that upon the first real hurdle in the reality of things I got majorly cold feet. Just like that I thought I would change my major and run away from this, just like all those minor things way back when. It took me a week to realize what a mistake that would be. I haven't invested all this time and energy into this profession for no reason. I had forgotten the real reason for starting - and that kept me going. I'm good at this stuff. And I let one bad grade, on one bad day, get in the way of my confidence. It's been a while since I've been able to see results that show me I'm good at what I do. Yes that might be a bit self-centered - but it keeps my confidence level up and allows me to keep going. I got that reminder today! A good grade! I didn't know I could feel like a little kid again - so hopeful and full of energy because of a grade! I haven't felt like this in years, since childhood when I used to love school, and love learning, and love excelling! I had forgotten all these years, and it feels refreshing to be awakened to that sense again.
Why worry? I can't give you any good reasons. Heck, I can't give you any reasons at all. I know I won't stop worrying. I don't think anyone can really stop worrying. But I'm handling my worry - by facing it, making a list, and getting it done. I feel happy. A strange happiness - not the calm sort, or the joyful sort, but a "I can do it!" sort. I wonder how long this new confidence can last, but I plan on using every last bit of it, because it makes me happy. This is who I am, school and learning happen to be my hobby, and I can't believe I forgot that! Fears are natural, worry is too, but I feel ready to tackle those fears, to ward off the worries. It won't be easy - as much as family and friends and society exist - we live in an individualistic world. I know I have a support system, but today is special - Today, I have joined my own support system.
... And that is how I'm handling Worry :)
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Love Grows
Valentine's Day. http://www.history.com/content/valentine/history-of-valentine-s-day who knew?
What is Valentine's day mean? (to me).. honestly - a whole lot of nothing - there is so much lacy doilies and pink-ness involved it makes a bit irritated. Everywhere you look there are mushy gifts and cards and expensive dinners. It makes me a little sad. No - not the kind of sad when a person doesn't have a valentine, although I admit that produces a sense of sadness on this day - a sadness that our world today - the people that live in it - have lost the true sense of this day. I know the technical history (as mentioned above) is about a saint and the good deeds he did and him being a martyr and all. But did you read the end? How did we go from a martyr saint to the second largest card-selling holiday on this day today!?!? I think the only ones that had it right was Great Britain in the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries - they used notes and cards as a way to express their feelings in a society where such things required a level of subtlety.
So, the true essence of this day? Love. Regardless of the methods, or the history, Valentine's day has come to mean a day of expressing love. Personally, love should be evident all days of the year - in an ideal society. Sometimes, we feel it, and yet it is unreasonable to ponder on it everyday. So, why not set aside this day every year to think about love, its meaning, and perhaps be thankful for all the love in our lives. (kind of like a thanksgiving for love!)
This year, I want to venture into thinking about what is love. I think the two best explanations I have ever come across have been poetic, and from two sources that in other senses differ greatly from each other. What are these two things that supply me with my definitions... The Bible and William Shakespeare.
Here is what the Bible says:
1 Corinthians 13:1-8a and 13 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails....And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. (NIV)
And here is what Shakespeare says:
Sonnet 116
Let me not to the marriage of true minds Admit impediments. Love is not loveWhich alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:O no! it is an ever-fixed mark That looks on tempests and is never shaken;It is the star to every wandering bark, Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks Within his bending sickle's compass come:Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, But bears it out even to the edge of doom.If this be error and upon me proved, I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
There are so many adjectives that can be used with love. And here is the funny thing about love - upon the use of the word, people automatically think romantically. But love doesn't just exist between a man and a woman. Between parents and a child, a sibling to sibling, a friendship, a pet even. Even God. There is so much love filled in our lives, and most of us are not even aware of it. The loneliest man (or woman) on this Earth has love - of this I am sure. They just don't know it's there.
Now, let's pause for a second. Skeptics of this world might challenge the theory of love and say it doesn't exist - just like God. That it's a bunch of hormones that physically attract one to another (yes we're talking romantic love here) that causes us to think it is "love." Or that when a baby is born, the mother has special hormones allowing her to nurture and in turn interpret it as "love." If the world is going to get physiological about love - than let them at least get it right. Yes, love is not just about emotions - it is about hormones. But how do you explain the feeling of happiness when love is in the air? There are actual physiological tests that have been conducted (using the brain and nerve endings) to prove that a couple who has been together many years - in love - is happy being together. There is no "need" - it is simply a feeling of being better than normal when two are together. It was tested that the chemical that releases feelings of stress within us, was suppressed in the couple's brain due to their bond of love with each other. Is that proof enough or what?
"Love is life" That has been my motto, my advice to live life by, and it still holds true. No matter what the love is - romantic, familial, friendship, or religious - it is love nonetheless. Cherish it, feel it, embrace it - because life is short and there is a lot of love to go around - so make it go around :) because there is this silly thing about love: it grows as you share it.
What is Valentine's day mean? (to me).. honestly - a whole lot of nothing - there is so much lacy doilies and pink-ness involved it makes a bit irritated. Everywhere you look there are mushy gifts and cards and expensive dinners. It makes me a little sad. No - not the kind of sad when a person doesn't have a valentine, although I admit that produces a sense of sadness on this day - a sadness that our world today - the people that live in it - have lost the true sense of this day. I know the technical history (as mentioned above) is about a saint and the good deeds he did and him being a martyr and all. But did you read the end? How did we go from a martyr saint to the second largest card-selling holiday on this day today!?!? I think the only ones that had it right was Great Britain in the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries - they used notes and cards as a way to express their feelings in a society where such things required a level of subtlety.
So, the true essence of this day? Love. Regardless of the methods, or the history, Valentine's day has come to mean a day of expressing love. Personally, love should be evident all days of the year - in an ideal society. Sometimes, we feel it, and yet it is unreasonable to ponder on it everyday. So, why not set aside this day every year to think about love, its meaning, and perhaps be thankful for all the love in our lives. (kind of like a thanksgiving for love!)
This year, I want to venture into thinking about what is love. I think the two best explanations I have ever come across have been poetic, and from two sources that in other senses differ greatly from each other. What are these two things that supply me with my definitions... The Bible and William Shakespeare.
Here is what the Bible says:
1 Corinthians 13:1-8a and 13 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails....And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. (NIV)
And here is what Shakespeare says:
Sonnet 116
Let me not to the marriage of true minds Admit impediments. Love is not loveWhich alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:O no! it is an ever-fixed mark That looks on tempests and is never shaken;It is the star to every wandering bark, Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks Within his bending sickle's compass come:Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, But bears it out even to the edge of doom.If this be error and upon me proved, I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
There are so many adjectives that can be used with love. And here is the funny thing about love - upon the use of the word, people automatically think romantically. But love doesn't just exist between a man and a woman. Between parents and a child, a sibling to sibling, a friendship, a pet even. Even God. There is so much love filled in our lives, and most of us are not even aware of it. The loneliest man (or woman) on this Earth has love - of this I am sure. They just don't know it's there.
Now, let's pause for a second. Skeptics of this world might challenge the theory of love and say it doesn't exist - just like God. That it's a bunch of hormones that physically attract one to another (yes we're talking romantic love here) that causes us to think it is "love." Or that when a baby is born, the mother has special hormones allowing her to nurture and in turn interpret it as "love." If the world is going to get physiological about love - than let them at least get it right. Yes, love is not just about emotions - it is about hormones. But how do you explain the feeling of happiness when love is in the air? There are actual physiological tests that have been conducted (using the brain and nerve endings) to prove that a couple who has been together many years - in love - is happy being together. There is no "need" - it is simply a feeling of being better than normal when two are together. It was tested that the chemical that releases feelings of stress within us, was suppressed in the couple's brain due to their bond of love with each other. Is that proof enough or what?
"Love is life" That has been my motto, my advice to live life by, and it still holds true. No matter what the love is - romantic, familial, friendship, or religious - it is love nonetheless. Cherish it, feel it, embrace it - because life is short and there is a lot of love to go around - so make it go around :) because there is this silly thing about love: it grows as you share it.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
The Irony of Time
It's funny what time does to us. Not a 'haha' funny of course, just a simple ironic funny..
I stop to reflect back on certain things today. A day I was reminded about by someone recently. A day in the passing that I didn't think much of last year, yet one which means something now. Isn't that ironic? How one year someday means nothing, and another year it means a lot? And yet, we have no idea that that particular day will end up being something. Perhaps all of this is somehow linked? Perhaps.. some of our actions have consequences.. good ones and bad ones. When bad things happen to us, we stop and ponder - why did this happen? I must have done something wrong, life doesn't like me, the universe is against me, etc. etc. When something good happens, why is it we never stop to think about it?
I think, somewhere along this soul-searching expedition, I have come to learn a small lesson. Life has good and life has bad, and without one, the other wouldn't exist. Life is a package deal sort of speaking - it comes with it all! Today I am slowly realizing that if the bad had not happened, the good would have never followed. I'm still a mild skeptic - don't get me wrong - but somehow I feel that in retrospect, things fell into place as if they were meant to be in place. Yes, fate and destiny do play a role in this I suppose - but I think they are highly intertwined with personal choices and the driving force behind them.
There are things - actions - I still try to piece together the reason for. Why did I do something? Why didn't I do it at an opportunity earlier? or later? Why then? Why now? Somehow - simply because I don't have a solid answer - I want to think that the "soul of the world" is guiding me. I remember The Alchemist and Paulo Coelho explaining the depth of the soul of the world and its significance. If that theory holds true, and somehow I am connected to this mysterious master soul, than it knew what I was going to do all along. The rainy cloud: I don't like the idea of all my actions being "predetermined". The ray of sunshine: Someone - or something - some energy that is deeper than us is watching over me - over everyone.
I was miserable. Worse than I had ever felt. Nineteen years is not a long time, but that had been the span of my life at that point. And I was down right miserable. They say you have to hit rock bottom in order to come back up. I think that might have been the bottom of rock bottom. I was side-swiped. And worse of all - I had been lying to myself. I wanted to pretend and protect myself - I wanted to think that everything was good. I didn't realize how bad things were, what position I had landed myself in - and how my identity was quickly slipping from my grasp. I knew I had to do something, but I was scared.. no, I was petrified! I felt my insides giving out everytime I realized what I had to do, so I would put it off - until one day I realized it was too much. I had stayed quiet long enough, let it go completely out of control - been taken advantage of - in all senses. That was the first day in my life I stood up for myself. Sure I had had plenty of arguments with my parents and been able to "stand up" to them.. but they are my parents and I know they will be there for me no matter what. But through all the bullies in youth, the gossip girls in adolescence, and all the other tough situations - I had remained silent. I had done so in this case too. All those years of silence finally came out. I have an insatiable tolerance level - but I suppose several years of it had to give in at some point - and boy am I glad it did when it did! That was probably the worse situation I had found myself in. I look back to the person I was before it, and I would have probably stood up for a friend in that situation, or told her to get the hell out, so why was I in it? I think I had lost my mind would have been the right thing to say - but the truth is, I didn't have any perspective. I was so lost and far gone, I couldn't see it. No matter who or how many people tried to show me. A day came - and I left. Just like that.
Than came the rest of my life. So far, only a year in the rest of my life has gone by. And it is quite unbelievable how much this one year has been able to teach me than the past nineteen years combined! Perhaps that is the transition to being an adult - to joining the real world and letting go of a youth filled with extreme ups and downs. My line on the chart of life seems to be leveling off - thank goodness for that! I went through phases - ignorance, pain, anger, clinginess.. and finally - giving up. Than began the healing process. I wanted to know who I was (something I don't think is ever entirely possible) and I learned to move past. I did move past. I moved past not only a particular situation, but a way of thinking. I moved past to learning about myself, to loving myself, to accepting myself (and no, im not a narcissist). This was a vital pivot and allowed me to gain the confidence I had lacked growing up. Faith became prominent in my life, and I knew whatever was happening - had happened - and would happen - would be for an ultimate good. I think beyond all the bad, and the hurt and the silly things of the world - there is good. Pure, simple goodness.
I am happy. Yes, I've been happy before. But not like this. I was happy based on conditions - if this than I would be happy, if not that than I won't, etc. Today I am happy on a deeper level. Almost like a spiritual level. Harmony. I've wanted harmony for as long as I can remember - but never really knew what it would be like. I'm at peace with myself, and with the world. Even with daily discrepancies, or worries, I'm at peace with the inner me. And that is what I have found to be of utmost importance. I never knew soul searching would lead me here - I didn't know where it would lead me frankly. But I am genuinely glad it led me to this new point. This new plane where I can be happy from deep within - without any conditions - without concern to what will be, or how certain events go in a day - just some simple happiness.
There is satisfaction - with work, studying, family, friends. Which I certainly am. I work as hard as I can, and I feel good. But that is only a fraction of this new level of happy I have found. This level is one that isn't linked to material happiness - an A in a class makes me 'happy'. Nor one linked to excitement - woo hoo! lol. It's serene. And what astounds me the most is, I'm not scared of it. This happiness is strong, it is confident and founded correctly. It's simple and sweet - patient - kind. Like love. Somehow I get a feeling that spiritual, philosophy, soul energy, and this profound happiness all center around a form of love. Perhaps all forms. But that's for another day. Today I have found happy. With time, and it's ironies.
Happiness, Thank you for finally enlightening me.
I stop to reflect back on certain things today. A day I was reminded about by someone recently. A day in the passing that I didn't think much of last year, yet one which means something now. Isn't that ironic? How one year someday means nothing, and another year it means a lot? And yet, we have no idea that that particular day will end up being something. Perhaps all of this is somehow linked? Perhaps.. some of our actions have consequences.. good ones and bad ones. When bad things happen to us, we stop and ponder - why did this happen? I must have done something wrong, life doesn't like me, the universe is against me, etc. etc. When something good happens, why is it we never stop to think about it?
I think, somewhere along this soul-searching expedition, I have come to learn a small lesson. Life has good and life has bad, and without one, the other wouldn't exist. Life is a package deal sort of speaking - it comes with it all! Today I am slowly realizing that if the bad had not happened, the good would have never followed. I'm still a mild skeptic - don't get me wrong - but somehow I feel that in retrospect, things fell into place as if they were meant to be in place. Yes, fate and destiny do play a role in this I suppose - but I think they are highly intertwined with personal choices and the driving force behind them.
There are things - actions - I still try to piece together the reason for. Why did I do something? Why didn't I do it at an opportunity earlier? or later? Why then? Why now? Somehow - simply because I don't have a solid answer - I want to think that the "soul of the world" is guiding me. I remember The Alchemist and Paulo Coelho explaining the depth of the soul of the world and its significance. If that theory holds true, and somehow I am connected to this mysterious master soul, than it knew what I was going to do all along. The rainy cloud: I don't like the idea of all my actions being "predetermined". The ray of sunshine: Someone - or something - some energy that is deeper than us is watching over me - over everyone.
I was miserable. Worse than I had ever felt. Nineteen years is not a long time, but that had been the span of my life at that point. And I was down right miserable. They say you have to hit rock bottom in order to come back up. I think that might have been the bottom of rock bottom. I was side-swiped. And worse of all - I had been lying to myself. I wanted to pretend and protect myself - I wanted to think that everything was good. I didn't realize how bad things were, what position I had landed myself in - and how my identity was quickly slipping from my grasp. I knew I had to do something, but I was scared.. no, I was petrified! I felt my insides giving out everytime I realized what I had to do, so I would put it off - until one day I realized it was too much. I had stayed quiet long enough, let it go completely out of control - been taken advantage of - in all senses. That was the first day in my life I stood up for myself. Sure I had had plenty of arguments with my parents and been able to "stand up" to them.. but they are my parents and I know they will be there for me no matter what. But through all the bullies in youth, the gossip girls in adolescence, and all the other tough situations - I had remained silent. I had done so in this case too. All those years of silence finally came out. I have an insatiable tolerance level - but I suppose several years of it had to give in at some point - and boy am I glad it did when it did! That was probably the worse situation I had found myself in. I look back to the person I was before it, and I would have probably stood up for a friend in that situation, or told her to get the hell out, so why was I in it? I think I had lost my mind would have been the right thing to say - but the truth is, I didn't have any perspective. I was so lost and far gone, I couldn't see it. No matter who or how many people tried to show me. A day came - and I left. Just like that.
Than came the rest of my life. So far, only a year in the rest of my life has gone by. And it is quite unbelievable how much this one year has been able to teach me than the past nineteen years combined! Perhaps that is the transition to being an adult - to joining the real world and letting go of a youth filled with extreme ups and downs. My line on the chart of life seems to be leveling off - thank goodness for that! I went through phases - ignorance, pain, anger, clinginess.. and finally - giving up. Than began the healing process. I wanted to know who I was (something I don't think is ever entirely possible) and I learned to move past. I did move past. I moved past not only a particular situation, but a way of thinking. I moved past to learning about myself, to loving myself, to accepting myself (and no, im not a narcissist). This was a vital pivot and allowed me to gain the confidence I had lacked growing up. Faith became prominent in my life, and I knew whatever was happening - had happened - and would happen - would be for an ultimate good. I think beyond all the bad, and the hurt and the silly things of the world - there is good. Pure, simple goodness.
I am happy. Yes, I've been happy before. But not like this. I was happy based on conditions - if this than I would be happy, if not that than I won't, etc. Today I am happy on a deeper level. Almost like a spiritual level. Harmony. I've wanted harmony for as long as I can remember - but never really knew what it would be like. I'm at peace with myself, and with the world. Even with daily discrepancies, or worries, I'm at peace with the inner me. And that is what I have found to be of utmost importance. I never knew soul searching would lead me here - I didn't know where it would lead me frankly. But I am genuinely glad it led me to this new point. This new plane where I can be happy from deep within - without any conditions - without concern to what will be, or how certain events go in a day - just some simple happiness.
There is satisfaction - with work, studying, family, friends. Which I certainly am. I work as hard as I can, and I feel good. But that is only a fraction of this new level of happy I have found. This level is one that isn't linked to material happiness - an A in a class makes me 'happy'. Nor one linked to excitement - woo hoo! lol. It's serene. And what astounds me the most is, I'm not scared of it. This happiness is strong, it is confident and founded correctly. It's simple and sweet - patient - kind. Like love. Somehow I get a feeling that spiritual, philosophy, soul energy, and this profound happiness all center around a form of love. Perhaps all forms. But that's for another day. Today I have found happy. With time, and it's ironies.
Happiness, Thank you for finally enlightening me.
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