The Irony of Time

It's funny what time does to us. Not a 'haha' funny of course, just a simple ironic funny..

I stop to reflect back on certain things today. A day I was reminded about by someone recently. A day in the passing that I didn't think much of last year, yet one which means something now. Isn't that ironic? How one year someday means nothing, and another year it means a lot? And yet, we have no idea that that particular day will end up being something. Perhaps all of this is somehow linked? Perhaps.. some of our actions have consequences.. good ones and bad ones. When bad things happen to us, we stop and ponder - why did this happen? I must have done something wrong, life doesn't like me, the universe is against me, etc. etc. When something good happens, why is it we never stop to think about it?

I think, somewhere along this soul-searching expedition, I have come to learn a small lesson. Life has good and life has bad, and without one, the other wouldn't exist. Life is a package deal sort of speaking - it comes with it all! Today I am slowly realizing that if the bad had not happened, the good would have never followed. I'm still a mild skeptic - don't get me wrong - but somehow I feel that in retrospect, things fell into place as if they were meant to be in place. Yes, fate and destiny do play a role in this I suppose - but I think they are highly intertwined with personal choices and the driving force behind them.

There are things - actions - I still try to piece together the reason for. Why did I do something? Why didn't I do it at an opportunity earlier? or later? Why then? Why now? Somehow - simply because I don't have a solid answer - I want to think that the "soul of the world" is guiding me. I remember The Alchemist and Paulo Coelho explaining the depth of the soul of the world and its significance. If that theory holds true, and somehow I am connected to this mysterious master soul, than it knew what I was going to do all along. The rainy cloud: I don't like the idea of all my actions being "predetermined". The ray of sunshine: Someone - or something - some energy that is deeper than us is watching over me - over everyone.

I was miserable. Worse than I had ever felt. Nineteen years is not a long time, but that had been the span of my life at that point. And I was down right miserable. They say you have to hit rock bottom in order to come back up. I think that might have been the bottom of rock bottom. I was side-swiped. And worse of all - I had been lying to myself. I wanted to pretend and protect myself - I wanted to think that everything was good. I didn't realize how bad things were, what position I had landed myself in - and how my identity was quickly slipping from my grasp. I knew I had to do something, but I was scared.. no, I was petrified! I felt my insides giving out everytime I realized what I had to do, so I would put it off - until one day I realized it was too much. I had stayed quiet long enough, let it go completely out of control - been taken advantage of - in all senses. That was the first day in my life I stood up for myself. Sure I had had plenty of arguments with my parents and been able to "stand up" to them.. but they are my parents and I know they will be there for me no matter what. But through all the bullies in youth, the gossip girls in adolescence, and all the other tough situations - I had remained silent. I had done so in this case too. All those years of silence finally came out. I have an insatiable tolerance level - but I suppose several years of it had to give in at some point - and boy am I glad it did when it did! That was probably the worse situation I had found myself in. I look back to the person I was before it, and I would have probably stood up for a friend in that situation, or told her to get the hell out, so why was I in it? I think I had lost my mind would have been the right thing to say - but the truth is, I didn't have any perspective. I was so lost and far gone, I couldn't see it. No matter who or how many people tried to show me. A day came - and I left. Just like that.

Than came the rest of my life. So far, only a year in the rest of my life has gone by. And it is quite unbelievable how much this one year has been able to teach me than the past nineteen years combined! Perhaps that is the transition to being an adult - to joining the real world and letting go of a youth filled with extreme ups and downs. My line on the chart of life seems to be leveling off - thank goodness for that! I went through phases - ignorance, pain, anger, clinginess.. and finally - giving up. Than began the healing process. I wanted to know who I was (something I don't think is ever entirely possible) and I learned to move past. I did move past. I moved past not only a particular situation, but a way of thinking. I moved past to learning about myself, to loving myself, to accepting myself (and no, im not a narcissist). This was a vital pivot and allowed me to gain the confidence I had lacked growing up. Faith became prominent in my life, and I knew whatever was happening - had happened - and would happen - would be for an ultimate good. I think beyond all the bad, and the hurt and the silly things of the world - there is good. Pure, simple goodness.

I am happy. Yes, I've been happy before. But not like this. I was happy based on conditions - if this than I would be happy, if not that than I won't, etc. Today I am happy on a deeper level. Almost like a spiritual level. Harmony. I've wanted harmony for as long as I can remember - but never really knew what it would be like. I'm at peace with myself, and with the world. Even with daily discrepancies, or worries, I'm at peace with the inner me. And that is what I have found to be of utmost importance. I never knew soul searching would lead me here - I didn't know where it would lead me frankly. But I am genuinely glad it led me to this new point. This new plane where I can be happy from deep within - without any conditions - without concern to what will be, or how certain events go in a day - just some simple happiness.

There is satisfaction - with work, studying, family, friends. Which I certainly am. I work as hard as I can, and I feel good. But that is only a fraction of this new level of happy I have found. This level is one that isn't linked to material happiness - an A in a class makes me 'happy'. Nor one linked to excitement - woo hoo! lol. It's serene. And what astounds me the most is, I'm not scared of it. This happiness is strong, it is confident and founded correctly. It's simple and sweet - patient - kind. Like love. Somehow I get a feeling that spiritual, philosophy, soul energy, and this profound happiness all center around a form of love. Perhaps all forms. But that's for another day. Today I have found happy. With time, and it's ironies.

Happiness, Thank you for finally enlightening me.