Poetry for Dreamers - I'm now published!

Today I took a step.

For many years I have written - journals, poetry, essays, anything and everything. I have loved writing but had various emotions about my work. But my dream has always been to be a published writer. 

A writer I became at a young age, when I wrote my first poem. I was a child then, but my poetry stayed and evolved with me over the years. And recently I put together a collection of my poetry before 2012 and created a short (40-page) collection. That collection has today been published on Amazon.com.

"Poetry for Dreamers" (sold as a Kindle book on Amazon - can be purchased if you don't have a Kindle)

I'm still a little stunned that I have finally taken that first step towards publishing and getting my name out there. I know it isn't much in the grand scheme of things, but it means a whole lot to me. In a few months I hope to publish another short collection, and after that I might move on to another genre entirely! I'm looking in the direction of creative non-fiction - I have had an idea brewing for a long time, but that might wait until after I get out a creative non-fiction short story collection! 

I am a writer, and I couldn't be happier.

The Present

I thought about making the change for a long time. I knew I was unhappy and that something had to be done. The job wasn't giving me any satisfaction, life was throwing me one curveball after another. I knew I had to take things into my own hands.

I did some thinking and knew if I really wanted to do something else I would have to go back to school. So I became proactive and went to visit schools I thought would be good for me. And what I discovered in a particular moment changed my perspective all over again.

I don't belong on campus anymore. My college years were the greatest, but they are behind me now. I not only have my bachelor's done, but my master's as well. I shouldn't be going backwards and attempting another bachelor's - that is not where my life is at. By walking around on campus I realized just how much I've changed in the last few years. I stopped struggling with being/becoming the person I envision, and started accepting the person I already have become.

My passion has been unilateral since I was a little girl - I love books/reading and I love writing - whether it be poetry, short stories, or blog posts such as this. My career is not my passion, but it is a good career, and one that provides me with the stability my personality has always craved. I am not enough of a risk taker to make my passion my career, nor am I enough of a realist to make my career my passion. But why was I looking beyond both and to something else? I feel like I was trying to hold on to days that gave me happiness. The days where I met some of the greatest people in my life, where I made a lot of fun memories, where I grew up. But I didn't realize that where I am at this current moment is exactly where I want to be.

Our student days are gone, and it is time to move on to the other fun things this life has to offer. I'm getting married soon, and am thrilled beyond belief. I am marrying a man whom I love and who is my best friend - I look forward to spending time with him, enjoying our life together, and even taking trips. I made a choice and came upon the career I'm in for a reason - and that reason is still solid - job stability. My profession (accounting) can go anywhere in this country, and I love the flexibility that offers me. I was always meant for a normal "office" job - that's something I've known for a while, but recently started to admit to myself. No one can stop me from my writing, and if I hold down a great career, then I can afford the things that mean so much to me. I no longer wish to sit in classes surrounded by teenagers, I'm an adult now, and I have different dreams now too. I want to travel with my husband, I want to earn and build our home with him and save for one day having our own family.

This is what matters to me now - this is what has always mattered to me: family. Except now my family extends and it includes my to-be-husband, both of our parents and siblings, and in a few years our own children. My passion and stability are by my side and so are the fun things in life - like traveling - what more could I ask for? I'm content - in the here, in the now - and all I had to do was take a step back and see my present, for truly it is a gift I have received.

The End - It's Just the Beginning

6:30 AM - her alarm went off.

She rolled over and snoozed the iPhone alarm - it was still dark out. "Ugh - how am I going to get up and manage to make his lunch on time?" she questioned herself in the dark room. Fifteen minutes later Dina slumped out of bed and into her dressing room - she quickly splashed her face to wake up and got dressed - the floor was icy cold and she had to turn off the air conditioning before her feet froze to the floor!

She snapped on the lights of the kitchen and got quickly to work - the assorted veggies were pulled out of the refrigerator and washed - in hindsight she was lucky to have bought 2 of the 4 kinds pre-cut! Setting aside the washed veggies she started the water boiling for the rice - she was going to make him broccoli flavored rice - his favorite vegetable! She turned to her clean veggies on the counter and swiftly began chopping them. He had stocked the kitchen well - the knife was large and sharp, Dina had never been able to cut veggies so quickly, perhaps her determination was a factor along with the knife.

At once she heated up the pan and started sautéing her neatly chopped veggies - zucchini, squash, mushrooms and carrots - lots of lemon pepper (his favorite spice from among those she had introduced to him) and a tad rosemary. The veggies were on their way and the rice simmering - she stacked the dirty dishes neatly next to the sink and made a mental note to clean those and empty the dishwasher from the night before a little later in the day - though not in that order!

Several minutes later the food was ready. She turned off the burners and let the food sit and cool for a while - in the meantime she got the lunch box ready to be packed and the little boxes full of snacks ready to go - a little coleslaw, some almonds and chocolate goldfish crackers, and a few grapes for her soon to be husband. She added some juice and just a few chips as a special treat and boxed up the fresh food she had just prepared. As she finished putting away the remaining food for her own lunch, he walked in and was ready - she had managed all of it in time to enjoy sitting with him on the patio and drinking their morning beverages before it was time to drop him for the train.

A satisfaction came over her when she entered the apartment after dropping him at the train station from where he would head to work. This was the second day in a row she had managed to give him lunch, not feel tired, and feel extremely satisfied with her work. As she looked around she knew this was her household to take care of. Her to be husband was a big and important part of it and she was so grateful for that - like how he had seen the garbage full from the previous night and replaced the bag in the can, but she did not even realize it until she opened the can while cooking lunch in the morning. It had made her pause and smile - to know that he had done that was something so small but so special to her that she realized this was all going to work out well. This was her household and she was proud of it and would put all her love and affection into it to make it the sweetest one for them. And she knew that once he let go of the bread on the counter top they would make it work great. A sweet, simple, full of love house would be meant for them.

Renewal

My last day of work - it was a mixed bag of emotions. But overall I must say I feel freed! There were some negative weights sitting on my shoulders that no amount of positivity was neutralizing, so I finally just let them go, and boy do I feel good!

I've never realized just how in tune you need to be to yourself and to what your spirit and body tell you. For some time now I had been feeling anxious, nervous, uncomfortable, like something unpleasant was constantly hovering over me. And yes I left work, but there was more to it than that, and as I got away from those things, it dawned on me that the unpleasant-ness is gone.

I am not a superstitious person, but I am a soul searcher, and I do know when I feel a certain way and how it affects me. I like finding my way to answers, and I really hope I have found the ones I needed, because this year has been intense and tough! With the last drops of positivity left in me I am going to have faith that the next few months will go smoothly, and that the peace within me has been restored. Something feels right now, I know the effects will take a while to reverse, but already I feel a good change happening.

Cheers to new beginnings, and finding your true self emerge once again! :)

Love is Life

As the day nears, I am full of emotions. My logic feels cloudy, my heart constantly seems full. I know this is a day all of us think about, some more than others, some planning for it a lot more than others. My wedding day is coming close.

The first event that made the entire process feel real was the bridal shower. A beautiful ceremony/party organized by my mother. My family and friends gathered and truly showered me with so much love and blessings that I was touched beyond belief. I don't see these people too often or chat extensively with them (I am mostly an introvert), but it felt good to know that they had all come together that day for me and my upcoming wedding. So far I have been planning and contemplating on being married and becoming a bride. It's been a nerve-wrecking and stressful process. I am young, and I've never felt my young age until very recently. To know that I will be a wife and responsible for taking care of many things, it slightly terrifies me. But in the midst of all of that I had forgotten the excitement. The bridal shower brought that back into the process. I realized, for the first time really, that I am going to be a bride! Dressing up in special clothes, getting my hair done fancy and being the center of attention made me realize just how special it is to be a bride. My cousin who is just a few years older got married earlier this year and gave me very succinct and sweet advice at the shower. She said - have a moment; during each part of the wedding ceremonies/events take a moment and savor it, enjoy what is going on, look at the groom, just take a moment and make it the moment you will remember. She said someone gave her that advice, and it worked wonders for her. Those moments were the ones she now cherishes because the rest of the wedding process (just like I'm sure mine will be) was a blur for her!

The second event that has made this process become even more real is that I gave notice at work. I had promised my fiance a long time ago that I would go wherever he goes, no matter what, and it has come time to take steps towards that promise. He is in a state far away from me, and I am leaving my job a bit before the wedding to get a grasp on things, move all my stuff, say goodbye to my parents and go get married! It is finally happening and I am finding myself overwhelmed. And it between all the nervousness and excitement, I found myself getting a Macbook Air. I always knew that I wanted this device, I was somehow convinced that it would help me be the writer I want to be. I just knew that if I have something portable and convenient to write with (besides a pen and paper, because apparently I write better when I type) then I would write more, and hopefully writing more will get me in the direction I want to go in. And boy was I right! I have a feeling that besides my parents' affection and my fiance's love, I'm going to need something of my very own to get me through this emotionally charged time, and I can't believe I found it!

MY writing has come back at every stage in my life - I don't think it has or ever will go away. Whatever my ambitions, my goals, my career, my ideals, writing will always be a part of my life - whether it is prominent or not will be determined by my attention to it. I haven't been able to write much lately, because the creative juices just haven't been flowing - my poetry, especially, has suffered. However, I realize that I have been narrowing myself to poetry. When in reality I've shifted to creative non-fiction as my main mode of writing. This shift has been so subtle that I didn't even notice it, but it has certainly happened. So with the help of my new device and my new found open mindedness, I hope to write more - anything I feel anything about, as well as I can write about it. This is my nirvana - this is my peace. It doesn't matter if I don't write anything publish worthy or earth shatteringly great, it just matters that I write. IT matters that I write what I have something to say about. It matters to me, and that is what matters.

So, with this and a deep breath, I believe I am ready for the next phase of my life. The transition has not been smooth, and I don't think the next few months will be smooth either, but I'm sure once I find that rhythm in my new life - my married life, it will be a great one, because at the end of the day it is all always about love.

Too many questions, Too few answers

What do you do when everything changes?

Your home, your town, the people you love, your passion for work, your career?

Change is a scary thing, multiple life events changing everything in your life - downright terrifying.

And what happens when you realize you are completely on your own?

You fall apart, and then pick up the pieces and move on.

Support systems are great - but when it crumbles it leaves you heart broken - so why not create and be your own support? We came alone to this world, we will leave alone from this world, so why does society place so much emphasis on relationships and having external support?

I have dreams, goals, passions, ways to do things - that's me, and once joined with someone these things merge, but what happens when they don't match? What happens when the other person's dreams become ours, but ours don't become theirs? What do you do when you realize that you love someone and would do anything for them, but what they want is for you to not be yourself?

Love is life - true love is above all of this. But when dreams are deferred, spirits ate crushed, and hearts are broken, love becomes unreachable. What do you do when the people who mean everything to you, all decide to hurt you?

What do you do when someone whom you love is embarrassed of you? Doesn't want you to follow your dreams because they can't handle change? Is mean to you when you don't live up to their expectations or desires.

Is this what life is like? So many questions, so few answers. Can we really get along with society, or are we meant to be solitary creatures? My heart wants to explode.. I will let it so I can start picking up the pieces. I've always believed in love, more than anything else in my life; I've always believed in no regrets, in setting a path and changing it to not have regrets; and today I'm faced with the biggest dilemma of all:

Do I stand behind my path, my dreams and fight for what I want, or do I give in to love, put all my faith into it, put my life into it, no matter how I feel? I've never questioned love before, but I've always had the freedom and the strength to follow my paths. I have two big facets to my personality - can I find harmony with them or will I have to choose?

I thought I had it all figured out, I thought my soul searching days were behind me, but life always has its plans and ways for me - once a soul searcher, always a soul searcher I suppose.