The Irony of Time

It's funny what time does to us. Not a 'haha' funny of course, just a simple ironic funny..

I stop to reflect back on certain things today. A day I was reminded about by someone recently. A day in the passing that I didn't think much of last year, yet one which means something now. Isn't that ironic? How one year someday means nothing, and another year it means a lot? And yet, we have no idea that that particular day will end up being something. Perhaps all of this is somehow linked? Perhaps.. some of our actions have consequences.. good ones and bad ones. When bad things happen to us, we stop and ponder - why did this happen? I must have done something wrong, life doesn't like me, the universe is against me, etc. etc. When something good happens, why is it we never stop to think about it?

I think, somewhere along this soul-searching expedition, I have come to learn a small lesson. Life has good and life has bad, and without one, the other wouldn't exist. Life is a package deal sort of speaking - it comes with it all! Today I am slowly realizing that if the bad had not happened, the good would have never followed. I'm still a mild skeptic - don't get me wrong - but somehow I feel that in retrospect, things fell into place as if they were meant to be in place. Yes, fate and destiny do play a role in this I suppose - but I think they are highly intertwined with personal choices and the driving force behind them.

There are things - actions - I still try to piece together the reason for. Why did I do something? Why didn't I do it at an opportunity earlier? or later? Why then? Why now? Somehow - simply because I don't have a solid answer - I want to think that the "soul of the world" is guiding me. I remember The Alchemist and Paulo Coelho explaining the depth of the soul of the world and its significance. If that theory holds true, and somehow I am connected to this mysterious master soul, than it knew what I was going to do all along. The rainy cloud: I don't like the idea of all my actions being "predetermined". The ray of sunshine: Someone - or something - some energy that is deeper than us is watching over me - over everyone.

I was miserable. Worse than I had ever felt. Nineteen years is not a long time, but that had been the span of my life at that point. And I was down right miserable. They say you have to hit rock bottom in order to come back up. I think that might have been the bottom of rock bottom. I was side-swiped. And worse of all - I had been lying to myself. I wanted to pretend and protect myself - I wanted to think that everything was good. I didn't realize how bad things were, what position I had landed myself in - and how my identity was quickly slipping from my grasp. I knew I had to do something, but I was scared.. no, I was petrified! I felt my insides giving out everytime I realized what I had to do, so I would put it off - until one day I realized it was too much. I had stayed quiet long enough, let it go completely out of control - been taken advantage of - in all senses. That was the first day in my life I stood up for myself. Sure I had had plenty of arguments with my parents and been able to "stand up" to them.. but they are my parents and I know they will be there for me no matter what. But through all the bullies in youth, the gossip girls in adolescence, and all the other tough situations - I had remained silent. I had done so in this case too. All those years of silence finally came out. I have an insatiable tolerance level - but I suppose several years of it had to give in at some point - and boy am I glad it did when it did! That was probably the worse situation I had found myself in. I look back to the person I was before it, and I would have probably stood up for a friend in that situation, or told her to get the hell out, so why was I in it? I think I had lost my mind would have been the right thing to say - but the truth is, I didn't have any perspective. I was so lost and far gone, I couldn't see it. No matter who or how many people tried to show me. A day came - and I left. Just like that.

Than came the rest of my life. So far, only a year in the rest of my life has gone by. And it is quite unbelievable how much this one year has been able to teach me than the past nineteen years combined! Perhaps that is the transition to being an adult - to joining the real world and letting go of a youth filled with extreme ups and downs. My line on the chart of life seems to be leveling off - thank goodness for that! I went through phases - ignorance, pain, anger, clinginess.. and finally - giving up. Than began the healing process. I wanted to know who I was (something I don't think is ever entirely possible) and I learned to move past. I did move past. I moved past not only a particular situation, but a way of thinking. I moved past to learning about myself, to loving myself, to accepting myself (and no, im not a narcissist). This was a vital pivot and allowed me to gain the confidence I had lacked growing up. Faith became prominent in my life, and I knew whatever was happening - had happened - and would happen - would be for an ultimate good. I think beyond all the bad, and the hurt and the silly things of the world - there is good. Pure, simple goodness.

I am happy. Yes, I've been happy before. But not like this. I was happy based on conditions - if this than I would be happy, if not that than I won't, etc. Today I am happy on a deeper level. Almost like a spiritual level. Harmony. I've wanted harmony for as long as I can remember - but never really knew what it would be like. I'm at peace with myself, and with the world. Even with daily discrepancies, or worries, I'm at peace with the inner me. And that is what I have found to be of utmost importance. I never knew soul searching would lead me here - I didn't know where it would lead me frankly. But I am genuinely glad it led me to this new point. This new plane where I can be happy from deep within - without any conditions - without concern to what will be, or how certain events go in a day - just some simple happiness.

There is satisfaction - with work, studying, family, friends. Which I certainly am. I work as hard as I can, and I feel good. But that is only a fraction of this new level of happy I have found. This level is one that isn't linked to material happiness - an A in a class makes me 'happy'. Nor one linked to excitement - woo hoo! lol. It's serene. And what astounds me the most is, I'm not scared of it. This happiness is strong, it is confident and founded correctly. It's simple and sweet - patient - kind. Like love. Somehow I get a feeling that spiritual, philosophy, soul energy, and this profound happiness all center around a form of love. Perhaps all forms. But that's for another day. Today I have found happy. With time, and it's ironies.

Happiness, Thank you for finally enlightening me.

A New Year's Resolution

It's time to say good-bye. To another year yet gone by.

2008 is rapidly coming to an end, and boy am I glad to see it go. This year has brought too many downs and ups, causing an unsteady and bumpy ride. With another year passed I have learned some, grown some more, and embraced change. I never imagined in my wildest dreams last new year's eve, that this moment.. me sitting here typing this with all the things in my mind that are there, would happen. Some things remained constant.. and some became constant, and some I made constant - and for those I'm glad. The biggest lesson I learned this year was to let go, forgive, and move on. A life lesson worth learning I must say. I could say I did it alone, but in reality I know I didn't. I learned my lessons alone - and worked through them alone, but without wise words from friends and family, I would have never been able to accept situations. Denial has always been easier for me, what I don't realize or recognize, can't hurt right? I wish.. I think not seeing has hurt the most. But I still have faith, unbelievably so.. and that I would not let anyone take from me. Ever. People called me naiive, childish, too innocent - but they didn't realize that it's simply the way I portray myself. I'm not aggressive, nor obnoxiously powering, and quite frankly have no desire to be, and if that comes out as "naiive" than so be it. I have learned from it all, taken what I need, let go of everything that will bring me down, and moved forward to being innocent again. That is the life I want, the one I like. I don't want complications, drama, all the things that make me seem "mature" or "adult". That's bogus. Being able to go through anything, and retain my faith is what has made me stronger - on the inside. Where I need it the most. Hidden.

This year has felt like climbing a mountain. Difficult - but I got used to it. And finally - it's ending. 2009 is a year that will bring new beginnings. Of this I am sure. I'm embarking into a new year along with a new decade of my life. I know my 20s will bring all the changes I've wanted.. all the changes I feel ready for. I'm glad - in retrospect - for this year. Because before it, I was not prepared. I wouldn't have been able to handle the 20s or the situations I anticipate it bringing. I'm ready. Scared - but so ready. I'm steady, and confident, perhaps a bit foolish - but the way it is nonetheless.. because I know without this confidence I would never embrace my life. I'm shedding my childhood, perhaps a bit of my teenagehood - and moving on. I know what I want - and this is the year I'm going for it.. cautiously, yet surely! So there :)

An Ordinary Revelation

The word "Bollywood" triggers a certain emotion: fanfare, loud, boisterous, extremely large scale fancy shmancy smoothtalking romantic comedies. And than comes along Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi. A refreshing rom com that is dream-like in its own way, yet has none of that unreachable-ness of all the other movies of similar caliber. An ordinary man, a peppy girl.. and a love story. That doesn't seem too far-fetched. Life happens, twists come, but the simple truth beneath it all is that life is ordinary, and love still exists. You don't need a prince charming or fancy ballgowns and palaces to have a fairy tale. All it takes is some chemistry.. and love of course. That I believe is what the movie nailed down nearly perfect! Take for instance a scene that takes place in a mall store, in a fitting room: SRK asks his leading lady what it is that women want? Now, everyone wants to know that! Guys want to know because apparently women are a mystery to them. And women want to know just to know where they stand. I think the dialogue writer, story concept maker, and of course director hit the nail on the head with the reply Anushka Sharma gave: Women want someone to love them - like no one has ever loved anyone. It is quite simple - it seems like a dramatic bollywood line, but it really isn't. We all go through relationships and heartbreaks, but we keep trudging onward, we keep falling in love - sometimes hopelessly. But what makes it worth it? That incredible feeling Ms. Sharma talks of. We are human beings - and the one thing we thirst for the most is love. In all forms, in many varieties, but love nonetheless. Here is where the questioning comes in though; It is very easy for a movie maker to show a suave hero who woos his girl and sweeps her away with his charm. But what about the ordinary folks of the world, which let's face it, is pretty much everyone! SRK has played quite a different role this time around and represented the average man. Anushka Sharma, though not exactly playing an ordinary woman, is also not a drop dead gorgeous model diva - so for argument sake she can represent most women. The story really is at the basis of it how a wife falls in love with her husband. It is a hard concept to digest, but is not bound by its constraints. The situation showed might be a bit obtrusive, but the dialogues used apply rather nicely. Ponder on this - SRK's friend urges him to show his feelings for his lady love in extravagant ways just like the character of Raj. However, the response is that this ordinary man feels that if she is going to love him, she has to love the real him - the way he is, without having to be extraordinary. He has his ways of showing her he loves her - like wrestling a Japanese sumo wrestler for tickets to make her happy. The idea that he cares so much to do anything to make her happy shows his feelings - I don't agree with the fight scene - but it is a Bollywood movie after all! Of course lady love finally opens her eyes and realizes she loves the simple man with her - a happy ending is a must with Aditya Chopra! Perhaps movie makers are finally getting the idea that life is not like the movies - movies are like life! And that's the way it should be.. especially since this movie does a wonderful job of reminding and bringing hope to all the ordinary guys of the world that they too will fall in love.. and to the women of the world that their prince charming might be the simple guy right under their noses.. if only they look carefully enough!

Of Happiness

People fear heights. Some fear the dark, others death. Yet most are fearful of spiders - myself included. But I have stumbled upon a fear I'm convinced makes me strange on some level. I fear happiness. I want to be happy, of course I do, who doesn't? The point that happiness is different for everyone and what exactly defines "happiness" is something on the sideline for now. My fear has its basis in the fact that anytime something "good" or "happy" has happened.. something not so good happens to balance my universe. I don't want the bad.. so I avoid the happy.. fear it in fact. The truth is, I know a lot of people who are confused about happiness and what would make them happy. I used to be one of them. Pretty much always. Somewhere along the years though I realized I knew exactly what would make me happy. It takes an acute sense of diving into yourself to find it.. and I think I have. It's quite simple, not complex at all. But it is at a depth I have never been able to find. There is a difference between satisfaction and happiness. A lot of things can satisfy us - water for thirst, food for hunger, sleep for tiredness, etc. Happiness however is unique.. we can try to find it in everything and anything - but mostly it's created in our minds.. and hearts. Perhaps it's some type of paradox.. I know what my "soul" needs in order to be deeply happy - and yet I fear that happiness the most. I don't want to believe that happiness can be reduced to something simple - nor face that I might never be able to reach it. I am satisfied with life - family, education, etc. etc. But what about that annoying little happiness creeping up in me? It brings me joy but it leaves a trail of burns. It scares me but excites me all the same. I work the hardest for this happiness - and yet I am most fearful of it.. It seems but a dilemma that goes round and round. For now I shall stuff it in the back of my mind.. but I know it will arise again. It always does. This thought, this feeling.. of happiness.

Twilight

"How much do you like him?"
"Too much," I whispered back. "More than he likes me. But I don't see how I can help that."

"Do you truly believe that you care more for me than I do for you?" he murmured, leaning closer to me as he spoke, his dark golden eyes piercing.
...
"Yes I really think that." .. The silence dragged on..
...
Finally he spoke, voice velvet soft. "You're wrong."


MY goodness! It's like reading the modern Romeo and Juliet, although I surely hope Bella and Edward have no such fate! The scene from above takes place in a book I have recently delved into - Twilight by Stephenie Meyer. It's a thriller with a very strong sense of romantic and an underlying sense of witty/sarcastic humor weaved through and through.
My take on it so far:
I am absolutely adoring this book - for reasons obvious and not so obvious. Obvious - what girl doesn't like a novel with a not so perfect girl heroine who meets the guy of her dreams?? Not so obvious - I feel as if I'm living some of my emotions through the characters - especially of course Bella. I have to come to the realization that I no longer believe in fairy tales or fantasies. In my world, reality has taken over, and practicality reigns control. To the point where "prince charming" has been replaced by a down-to-earth vision of a practical, fitting partner - no white horse or such neccessary. But Bella Swan - she is this ordinary, quiet, shy senior in high school who has moved to a brand new town in a brand new setting with brand new people. And somehow in the midst of this she finds Edward Cullen - prince charming with a twist (I won't ruin the twist just in case..) She is in awe of him and totally dazzled when he takes an interest in her! She just simply never expects it. Now, when we think high school - most of us remember the lean chearleaders, and the over-muscular jocks - but who really remembers the quiet, "normal" girls? I was one of them and unlike Bella, my Edward never came - so I grew up. But reading this book makes me think.. if it can be written - if it came from someone's thoughts - a female of course - but nonetheless.. if this kind of dialogue and story can exist in books and movies - than why not real life? Our imaginations couldn't possibly be soooooooo creative that we come up with things so impossible as love? It has to exist.. I'm not saying for me.. now or ever.. but somewhere in this world the kind of depth expressed in such a book has to exist.. it just does.. somehow. I have given up on finding or even searching for anything fairy-talish.. but Bella hasn't, and I can sit here and read and read about it, feel with her what I will not feel in reality and in the end feel renewed. No wonder I like books so much - it's like they give me the things I don't want or have or can survive through in life. I am glad for Ms. Meyer's saga - and very happy for those out there who have seen, heard, or even first-hand witnessed this surge of emotions - it is things like this that renew my faith in life and love to some degree.
As a side note - I wish people.. guys.. like Edward existed - without the twist of course! - he somehow has the greatest control, the deepest passion, the right expression and the right words - all of course at the right time! Now, that perhaps is something reserved for the booky book world! ;)

Some Sound Advice

I received an e-mail today.
It contained a link:
http://www.universalresponse.info/?authcode=588_qs3h88py759z

And this is what I learned.. very appropriate timing I must say:

Questions from "God" were asked, and I answered what I felt, and these were the explanation I obtained from God...

1. What is the most difficult to find in life?
a. purpose of life
b. enough time
c. clarity of direction
d. peace of mind
My answer: d. peace of mind
Explanation I was given: Peace comes from living in the moment, looking for the good in others and letting go of fears. You are not peaceful because you choose to be sorrow long before you experience it.
My take on it: I've learned to live in the moment and forget what cannot be changed and what will become and is unknown; I do my best to stay positive and look for the good in others even besides all the cynisism in the world.. but where I fail and fall is the ability to let go of fears. My fears haunt me.. how do I let them go so easily?

2. What is the most challenging to deal with in life?
a. managing failures
b. staying positive
c. taking correct decisions
d. facing the unknown
My answer: a. managing failures
Explanation given: Failure is God's plan to prepare you for greater responsibilities. Try and fail but don't fail to try. Failure is a natural consequence of trying. Failure is the condiment that gives success its ultimate flavor.
My take on it: Faving the unknown was an answer I close to choosing.. but I think of late managing failures has become more of an obstacle. I understand that failure is needed to preceed success.. but what if in between morale is lost and a person fails to try? Will success ever be granted? Will success ever come without failure?

3. What is hard to let go in life?
a. your ego
b. your fears
c. your past
d. your worries
My answer: b. your fears
Explanation given: Fear is False Evidence Appearing Real. Don't allow your fears to grow bigger than your faith. When you fear you will suffer, you already suffer what you fear.
My take on it: Except for the ego answer, I wanted to choose all of them. Letting go seems to be my biggest flaw in all aspects.. but the hardest.. fears.. is the one I chose. My fears, now that I think about, are based on things that have already happened. So what am I so fearful of? It's like being afraid of something hot, until you touch it once, feel the heat, and know for the rest of your life not to touch that heat (like a hot iron). So, if I have already touched my fear, and I know to stay away from it, than why keep the fear itself around?

4. What is hard to be convinced about in life?
a. God exists
b. Prayers have power
c. Truth wins
d. Adversity helps
My answer: c. Truth wins
Explanation: Truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable. Always tell the truth. That way you don't have to remember what you said.
My take on it: This one is pretty straight forward.. I don't lie.. I can't actually.. I physically become sick if I do.. lol one of the mysteries of the universe. But I have faced those who run from the truth.. and from reality.. and I don't understand why? It is what it is. Be yourself.. Be true to yourself and those around you.. there is not better way to be.

The slideshow continued on with something about how everyone picks a different answer, yet no one is incorrect. We choose an answer based on where we are in life currently. The Universe is supposedly on our sides.. I don't think I believe that.. and is aligned with us to help us with whatever the current situation might be.. again I don't think I believe that. Too many wrongs happen in the world, to the environment, in politics.. even on a personal level.. for me to believe that the Universe is in harmony with us. I used to harp on a concept of perfect harmony many moons ago.. I still have a compilation of my thoughts on that.. but I have ceased to believe it can truly exist. Perhaps it does, but vaguely, and not in my reality. One of the things on this slide caught my special attention: "The events in your life mirror your beliefs"
Yes, they do. They always have. Hence, our beliefs change, events happen and are forgotten, different events happen.. the cycle goes on. Maybe that is why it is the circle - cycle - of life. People are gravitated towards others based on their "beliefs". However, according to this theory.. beliefs changed according to events. So, is this perhaps the explanation for the most common answer of failure, "People change". Perhaps we all have to be in constant motion. Losing and finding and moving on. Life is meant to be lived.. not dwelled upon.. perhaps we are all constantly changing - as much of an oxymoron as that is - and perhaps that is the only way the world can truly be where it is supposed to be.. even the Earth is moving.. the Universe.. all the planets.. so why not us?
Why not us?

A Discovery of Sorts

In these past few months I have been doing what I call "soul searching".. hence I started this blog. A lot of things have effected me in ways I never thought possible. But there is one thing that troubles me the most at this turning point in life. Last year is a year I want to erase from my memory. Unfortunately, I don't have the power or the right to do that. What I can do is learn from the year, and learn from my numerous mistakes. There is a dilemma in this though. I found my biggest regret was being involved too much. I invested my self wholly into it, and I ended up with pieces shattered so badly it has taken me almost all of this year just picking them up! I am finally beginning to arrange those pieces and glue them together, hopefully stronger than before. Now, here is where that problem comes in.. I want to be completely devoted, I really do, without doubts, without inhibitions.. but I'm afraid. Afraid these pieces will fall again. At the same time I don't want to live my life empty or devoid. Nor do I want to live in fear. Do I dive headfirst but only half way, is that any way to live this blessing known as life? Soul Searching has led me in many directions, taught me many lessons, and I have grown stronger in the matter of several months.. but I've reached a fork in the road. And I don't know which path to take. As my favorite poet Robert Frost wrote.. Two Roads Diverged in a Yellow Wood.. and I took the one less traveled by. Should I? Take that path of living a full life at the risk of having to pick up the fallen pieces.. Or trudge through unfeeling and alone in a life devoid of living.. How will I ever know unless I plunge? I don't know if it is a mistake.. I don't know if I will regret.. but I won't know anything unless I go forth.. and hence.. I go forth.