Too many questions, Too few answers

What do you do when everything changes?

Your home, your town, the people you love, your passion for work, your career?

Change is a scary thing, multiple life events changing everything in your life - downright terrifying.

And what happens when you realize you are completely on your own?

You fall apart, and then pick up the pieces and move on.

Support systems are great - but when it crumbles it leaves you heart broken - so why not create and be your own support? We came alone to this world, we will leave alone from this world, so why does society place so much emphasis on relationships and having external support?

I have dreams, goals, passions, ways to do things - that's me, and once joined with someone these things merge, but what happens when they don't match? What happens when the other person's dreams become ours, but ours don't become theirs? What do you do when you realize that you love someone and would do anything for them, but what they want is for you to not be yourself?

Love is life - true love is above all of this. But when dreams are deferred, spirits ate crushed, and hearts are broken, love becomes unreachable. What do you do when the people who mean everything to you, all decide to hurt you?

What do you do when someone whom you love is embarrassed of you? Doesn't want you to follow your dreams because they can't handle change? Is mean to you when you don't live up to their expectations or desires.

Is this what life is like? So many questions, so few answers. Can we really get along with society, or are we meant to be solitary creatures? My heart wants to explode.. I will let it so I can start picking up the pieces. I've always believed in love, more than anything else in my life; I've always believed in no regrets, in setting a path and changing it to not have regrets; and today I'm faced with the biggest dilemma of all:

Do I stand behind my path, my dreams and fight for what I want, or do I give in to love, put all my faith into it, put my life into it, no matter how I feel? I've never questioned love before, but I've always had the freedom and the strength to follow my paths. I have two big facets to my personality - can I find harmony with them or will I have to choose?

I thought I had it all figured out, I thought my soul searching days were behind me, but life always has its plans and ways for me - once a soul searcher, always a soul searcher I suppose.

A Reflection

I achieved a personal feat lately - I made my way through and finished "East of Eden" by John Steinbeck. I have a fondness of Steinbeck, in general for a certain type of American author. Harper Lee, Robert Frost, Emily Dickinson and of course Steinbeck are among the ones I admire and/or appreciate the most. The style with which "East of Eden" is written seems very well thought-out, very careful, and ever-so slow. Now, don't get me wrong when I say "slow" - I mean this with the uttermost respect and admiration. I found myself savoring every line of this book's daunting 600 pages, and all of it was completely worth it. To have made it through such a classic, in my opinion, feels great. I learned not only about a great story, a classic novel, but about myself too. I learned that I too have a sort of slow perseverance. I too can accomplish what my heart sets itself on - Yes, I said heart and not mind. Of late I have also discovered something quite unflattering about myself. I have a fickle mind. It never truly seems put and always tends to wander. I'm "open" minded and perhaps that's my greatest downfall. However, not everyone is designed to live their lives predominantly with their minds - there are those of us who live with and for our hearts. My heart is firm and determined. Perseverant too I learned after this particular read. So why not live my life from my heart - I know its' determination, I trust its' guidance. But something holds me back - courage, or the lack thereof. Until today I believed it was everyone's disapproval of me, or being dismissed as not of the practical world in wanting to follow my heart. However, only I am responsible for the life I live and want to live - only I can follow my heart and know where my determinations are, and today as I reflect upon my read, the sense of accomplishment I feel, I know my calling - I know what my heart wants - all I need is a bit of courage from deep within, and I know I will make it happen.

Reminiscing the Start of Love

My love,
My life,
My you.

Forever one,
Forever friends,
Forever together too.

The soulmate,
The fiancé,
The husband very soon.

Closer to my heart,
Closer than anyone,
Closer than the moon.

Three years ago today we became near,
Three years ago today we expressed our love,
Three years ago today we embarked on the rest of our lives.

Here's to our love,
Here's to our in sync feelings,
Here's to the rest of our lives together!

Candy Cane

Luscious red
Peppered with pure white
That first icy lick
Makes the world alright

Swirls of magic
Moving with enticement
The illusion that draws near
Children to peppermint

Dwindling stick
Leaving oh so rapidly
The joyous season does go
To return eventually

The Lonely Year

Trying to stay strong,
But I don't know for how long.
The wound runs deep,
And thus here I weep.
This year has been rough,
There has been no fluff.
Each event has been direct,
My heart just can't connect.
Among those I love,
And I'm the lone gray dove.
What can I do but wait for it to pass,
This year forever cannot last.

The Greener Grass

The grass is greener on the other side they say.
But along the path I have paved my own way.
Hiked up the mountains and swam through the rivers.
Even made it through the snowy lands with shivers.
Survived the storm of flying words.
Those that so land like swords.
Bared the downpour of the skies above.
Basked in the sunshine and its love.
Seen with awe the tops of tall trees.
Felt with wonder the beautiful breeze.
I have sowed the seeds that have allowed it to be.
The grass where I'm sitting just right for me.

Once a Soul Searcher, Always a Soul Searcher

Alas, a year has passed by and I find myself missing the soul searcher. For a short while now something unknown has been pestering me. Not exactly bad, not entirely good either.. Just a feeling of slight anxiety. And I found myself wishing that I could express these feelings, write them out and see what can be made of them. And I wondered where I could write, where I could search and think - and thus have returned to my soul searching days! This time I come with a renewed realization: I have a quest in life - to continually search for the meaning - so how can I ever cease to be a soul searcher? Even if I find one aspect, there are others to be discovered until I reach "nirvana," and since I don't feel I am close to that yet, the soul searcher shall continue in me.

So on to a continuous journey we go.. And let's see where my soul searching heads this time!