Love is Life

As the day nears, I am full of emotions. My logic feels cloudy, my heart constantly seems full. I know this is a day all of us think about, some more than others, some planning for it a lot more than others. My wedding day is coming close.

The first event that made the entire process feel real was the bridal shower. A beautiful ceremony/party organized by my mother. My family and friends gathered and truly showered me with so much love and blessings that I was touched beyond belief. I don't see these people too often or chat extensively with them (I am mostly an introvert), but it felt good to know that they had all come together that day for me and my upcoming wedding. So far I have been planning and contemplating on being married and becoming a bride. It's been a nerve-wrecking and stressful process. I am young, and I've never felt my young age until very recently. To know that I will be a wife and responsible for taking care of many things, it slightly terrifies me. But in the midst of all of that I had forgotten the excitement. The bridal shower brought that back into the process. I realized, for the first time really, that I am going to be a bride! Dressing up in special clothes, getting my hair done fancy and being the center of attention made me realize just how special it is to be a bride. My cousin who is just a few years older got married earlier this year and gave me very succinct and sweet advice at the shower. She said - have a moment; during each part of the wedding ceremonies/events take a moment and savor it, enjoy what is going on, look at the groom, just take a moment and make it the moment you will remember. She said someone gave her that advice, and it worked wonders for her. Those moments were the ones she now cherishes because the rest of the wedding process (just like I'm sure mine will be) was a blur for her!

The second event that has made this process become even more real is that I gave notice at work. I had promised my fiance a long time ago that I would go wherever he goes, no matter what, and it has come time to take steps towards that promise. He is in a state far away from me, and I am leaving my job a bit before the wedding to get a grasp on things, move all my stuff, say goodbye to my parents and go get married! It is finally happening and I am finding myself overwhelmed. And it between all the nervousness and excitement, I found myself getting a Macbook Air. I always knew that I wanted this device, I was somehow convinced that it would help me be the writer I want to be. I just knew that if I have something portable and convenient to write with (besides a pen and paper, because apparently I write better when I type) then I would write more, and hopefully writing more will get me in the direction I want to go in. And boy was I right! I have a feeling that besides my parents' affection and my fiance's love, I'm going to need something of my very own to get me through this emotionally charged time, and I can't believe I found it!

MY writing has come back at every stage in my life - I don't think it has or ever will go away. Whatever my ambitions, my goals, my career, my ideals, writing will always be a part of my life - whether it is prominent or not will be determined by my attention to it. I haven't been able to write much lately, because the creative juices just haven't been flowing - my poetry, especially, has suffered. However, I realize that I have been narrowing myself to poetry. When in reality I've shifted to creative non-fiction as my main mode of writing. This shift has been so subtle that I didn't even notice it, but it has certainly happened. So with the help of my new device and my new found open mindedness, I hope to write more - anything I feel anything about, as well as I can write about it. This is my nirvana - this is my peace. It doesn't matter if I don't write anything publish worthy or earth shatteringly great, it just matters that I write. IT matters that I write what I have something to say about. It matters to me, and that is what matters.

So, with this and a deep breath, I believe I am ready for the next phase of my life. The transition has not been smooth, and I don't think the next few months will be smooth either, but I'm sure once I find that rhythm in my new life - my married life, it will be a great one, because at the end of the day it is all always about love.

Too many questions, Too few answers

What do you do when everything changes?

Your home, your town, the people you love, your passion for work, your career?

Change is a scary thing, multiple life events changing everything in your life - downright terrifying.

And what happens when you realize you are completely on your own?

You fall apart, and then pick up the pieces and move on.

Support systems are great - but when it crumbles it leaves you heart broken - so why not create and be your own support? We came alone to this world, we will leave alone from this world, so why does society place so much emphasis on relationships and having external support?

I have dreams, goals, passions, ways to do things - that's me, and once joined with someone these things merge, but what happens when they don't match? What happens when the other person's dreams become ours, but ours don't become theirs? What do you do when you realize that you love someone and would do anything for them, but what they want is for you to not be yourself?

Love is life - true love is above all of this. But when dreams are deferred, spirits ate crushed, and hearts are broken, love becomes unreachable. What do you do when the people who mean everything to you, all decide to hurt you?

What do you do when someone whom you love is embarrassed of you? Doesn't want you to follow your dreams because they can't handle change? Is mean to you when you don't live up to their expectations or desires.

Is this what life is like? So many questions, so few answers. Can we really get along with society, or are we meant to be solitary creatures? My heart wants to explode.. I will let it so I can start picking up the pieces. I've always believed in love, more than anything else in my life; I've always believed in no regrets, in setting a path and changing it to not have regrets; and today I'm faced with the biggest dilemma of all:

Do I stand behind my path, my dreams and fight for what I want, or do I give in to love, put all my faith into it, put my life into it, no matter how I feel? I've never questioned love before, but I've always had the freedom and the strength to follow my paths. I have two big facets to my personality - can I find harmony with them or will I have to choose?

I thought I had it all figured out, I thought my soul searching days were behind me, but life always has its plans and ways for me - once a soul searcher, always a soul searcher I suppose.

A Reflection

I achieved a personal feat lately - I made my way through and finished "East of Eden" by John Steinbeck. I have a fondness of Steinbeck, in general for a certain type of American author. Harper Lee, Robert Frost, Emily Dickinson and of course Steinbeck are among the ones I admire and/or appreciate the most. The style with which "East of Eden" is written seems very well thought-out, very careful, and ever-so slow. Now, don't get me wrong when I say "slow" - I mean this with the uttermost respect and admiration. I found myself savoring every line of this book's daunting 600 pages, and all of it was completely worth it. To have made it through such a classic, in my opinion, feels great. I learned not only about a great story, a classic novel, but about myself too. I learned that I too have a sort of slow perseverance. I too can accomplish what my heart sets itself on - Yes, I said heart and not mind. Of late I have also discovered something quite unflattering about myself. I have a fickle mind. It never truly seems put and always tends to wander. I'm "open" minded and perhaps that's my greatest downfall. However, not everyone is designed to live their lives predominantly with their minds - there are those of us who live with and for our hearts. My heart is firm and determined. Perseverant too I learned after this particular read. So why not live my life from my heart - I know its' determination, I trust its' guidance. But something holds me back - courage, or the lack thereof. Until today I believed it was everyone's disapproval of me, or being dismissed as not of the practical world in wanting to follow my heart. However, only I am responsible for the life I live and want to live - only I can follow my heart and know where my determinations are, and today as I reflect upon my read, the sense of accomplishment I feel, I know my calling - I know what my heart wants - all I need is a bit of courage from deep within, and I know I will make it happen.

Reminiscing the Start of Love

My love,
My life,
My you.

Forever one,
Forever friends,
Forever together too.

The soulmate,
The fiancé,
The husband very soon.

Closer to my heart,
Closer than anyone,
Closer than the moon.

Three years ago today we became near,
Three years ago today we expressed our love,
Three years ago today we embarked on the rest of our lives.

Here's to our love,
Here's to our in sync feelings,
Here's to the rest of our lives together!

Candy Cane

Luscious red
Peppered with pure white
That first icy lick
Makes the world alright

Swirls of magic
Moving with enticement
The illusion that draws near
Children to peppermint

Dwindling stick
Leaving oh so rapidly
The joyous season does go
To return eventually

The Lonely Year

Trying to stay strong,
But I don't know for how long.
The wound runs deep,
And thus here I weep.
This year has been rough,
There has been no fluff.
Each event has been direct,
My heart just can't connect.
Among those I love,
And I'm the lone gray dove.
What can I do but wait for it to pass,
This year forever cannot last.

The Greener Grass

The grass is greener on the other side they say.
But along the path I have paved my own way.
Hiked up the mountains and swam through the rivers.
Even made it through the snowy lands with shivers.
Survived the storm of flying words.
Those that so land like swords.
Bared the downpour of the skies above.
Basked in the sunshine and its love.
Seen with awe the tops of tall trees.
Felt with wonder the beautiful breeze.
I have sowed the seeds that have allowed it to be.
The grass where I'm sitting just right for me.