His eyes caught hers across the street. She immediately knew it was him. She whispered his name in her mind. As he approached her, she froze - the nervousness had bubbled in her all day and she couldn't feel a thing!
As they awkwardly shuffled into the cafe, he handed her a birthday present. Her mind finally decided to kick in and she began to analyze the gift as he continually apologized for not wrapping it. She brushed him off by saying it was the thought that counts, all while she puzzled over the puzzles he had brought her. Almost as if he had heard her thoughts, he asked her if she liked crosswords. Feeling like a deer caught in headlights, she quickly responded with a polite smile and explained how she had never really done crosswords, but this was a good chance to try it..
He seemed pleased with her answer and turned to order tea. She was lost in her thoughts of how he hadn't held the door open for her, had rushed ahead to order first, and now had his back to her while ordering. As she was getting entangled in this web she herself had woven, he turned to her to see what would like have. She fell deeper into the web in an effort to avoid the "paying" issue by telling him she was a tad bit undecisive and didn't know what to get yet.
Now that his wallet was put away, she safely ordered a hot coffee and pulled out her own wallet. He murmured something about "you should have told me" and inadvertently caused her to fall even further into that awful web. That's when the awkward set in; they stoof watchin the coffee being made and decided to head out once she picker up her steaming cup from the counter.
Together they started walking up the street towards the university. They were making small talk and all of five seconds had elapsed when she realized the web was gone! An odd sensation came over - she was comfortable. This stranger next to her didn't feel like much of a stranger; she was actually enjoying the walk next to this tall man and found a small smile slowly form across her face. That's all it had taken : five seconds walking next to him. The feeling she felt - it was an unknown one - but she knew it was good.
The evening moved along as they found a nice outdoor spot on campus to sit and indulge in conversation. She found him glancing her way even when the conversation took a pause. Everything felt so nice. It wasn't exciting, not creepy, nor awkward.. simply nice. A wave of calm streamed through her as she sat there with him. And when they walked side by side, as the end of the evening came near, she knew that there was a connection. He had come into her life on her twentieth birthday, and she knew he was here to stay.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
A Path to Happiness
1. Live in the present.
2. Find inner peace.
3. Successful happiness.
So, number 1 seems to be self-explanatory - and number 3 the result.. so let's focus on number 2, and my latest topic of soul searching: Inner peace.
I have known for a while now that inner peace is not a temporary state. And if lasts temporarily, then it's not really inner peace. I've been told by some that they attain inner peace for a little while and at the slight provocation of others they fly into a rage and are pushed into leaving their inner peace. Honestly, that's not inner peace then. Peace is not some bug you are going to get for a while that others can drive away. Peace is a sort of permanence that you found and develop and grow into something stable. Inner peace cannot be obtained so easily as to be lost almost instantaneously. It is a lasting feeling, a lasting perception, that takes us straight to nirvana - to enlightenment.
I recently read a short book, "A Path to Happiness" by Thubten Chodron. It is a series of talks given by a Buddhist nun. And boy does she do a good job of explaining herself! However, most of what she says is what I've always felt or believed in. Reading the book felt like reassurance for my thoughts, and urged me to delve a bit deeper to try and understand the other side - the folks who this book is geared towards - those who have constantly told me they "lose" their inner peace. Don't they see? It's so clear, and yet they seem entrapped.
Chodron puts one particular aspect of all of this very nicely:
"When we're outrageously angry or burning with jealousy or when attachment is eating away at us, we can't deny that we have these negative emotions. Of course, we try to say that it's the other person's fault, that we have these horrible emotions only because they made us have them. But after we've listened to the Buddha's teachings, this rationale doesn't work any more. We know in our hearts that our happiness and suffering come from our own minds. Then, even though we try to blame our difficulties on other people, we know we can't. We are forced to look at them ourselves. And when we do, we also see that they are incredible opportunities to grow and learn."
There are so many things explained in this simple paragraph that I don't even know where to begin. For example, the simple fact that negative emotions blind us to the point where we ignore the reality of the situation and simply look to blame others. This notion seems to be within human nature so deeply, that it feels hard to get rid of. But the truth is so blatant, that someone has got to be truly, heavily ignorant to not realize that blaming is probably one of the worst actions we can do. I particularly come away from Chodron's paragraph with the sensibility that no one can hinder our path to enlightenment, except ourselves - our mind. It is we who decide our happiness and suffering. Others come along on the path and are there only on the sideline - even those who we feel hinder us from our path, are really there to teach us some lesson. From everything good, and everything bad, comes something for us to learn - and to grow!
The people who harm us end up pushing us towards our Dharma in search of answers we wouldn't seek if things were always good. Take a look at the soul searching I am doing right now - it all started a long time ago out of a very bad experience. That situation left me asking many questions, and with no answers. And today I'm in a place where I can not only look at the answers, but actually see them carefully. Out of all of this, I've realized, Karma, Dharma, Life only helps those who help themselves. Inner peace is easier then a lot of people seem to think. A lot more permanent then others want to believe. All it takes is living in the present - forgetting the past, not worrying about what's next. The true task is staying calm. It's easy being a monk in a monastery - try being a monk in bustling society.
Impermanence is the other name of life. People are born, people die - every second of the day. Situations are great and some are dire - they change with the seasons. Time seems the only continuity and even that never ceases to change. And from all of this stems peace. It is permanent, and it is the only relief from impermanence. At the end of the day - at the end of life - it is the peace that will deliver, no one, no thing, else. We must end suffering, and it will only end with our minds, our senses being in check and control. I was once asked how I could be a Hindu and believe in Buddhism? And this is exactly how; as I sit here and write this I realize I am simultaneously thinking of the Buddha and Krishna. The Buddha preached about enlightenment and nirvana, and showed us how peace and bringing our mind into a firm meditation will help us achieve that. And Krishna - embarked on a chariot - represents the virtue of self, the right path that we must follow. His horses, the reign he holds as he drives Arjuna's chariot represent Krishna reigning his senses - holding a firm mind, and not letting the situation deter him.
They are all telling us the same thing. The Buddha, Krishna, Ms. Chodron. Inner peace is our path to happiness - our path to a higher sense - something away from worldly things. All we have to do is listen. Is to be aware, to live in the moment, to be conscious of every moment - to let our minds meditate. We need not fear others, we have no enemies, our biggest challenge is our self. I am a 100% sure that what our ancestors messages say, we understand - accepting it for what it is.. there is the difficulty, and the challenge, that we must overcome, and before long it will all fall into place..
Hence, the path to happiness therein lies.
2. Find inner peace.
3. Successful happiness.
So, number 1 seems to be self-explanatory - and number 3 the result.. so let's focus on number 2, and my latest topic of soul searching: Inner peace.
I have known for a while now that inner peace is not a temporary state. And if lasts temporarily, then it's not really inner peace. I've been told by some that they attain inner peace for a little while and at the slight provocation of others they fly into a rage and are pushed into leaving their inner peace. Honestly, that's not inner peace then. Peace is not some bug you are going to get for a while that others can drive away. Peace is a sort of permanence that you found and develop and grow into something stable. Inner peace cannot be obtained so easily as to be lost almost instantaneously. It is a lasting feeling, a lasting perception, that takes us straight to nirvana - to enlightenment.
I recently read a short book, "A Path to Happiness" by Thubten Chodron. It is a series of talks given by a Buddhist nun. And boy does she do a good job of explaining herself! However, most of what she says is what I've always felt or believed in. Reading the book felt like reassurance for my thoughts, and urged me to delve a bit deeper to try and understand the other side - the folks who this book is geared towards - those who have constantly told me they "lose" their inner peace. Don't they see? It's so clear, and yet they seem entrapped.
Chodron puts one particular aspect of all of this very nicely:
"When we're outrageously angry or burning with jealousy or when attachment is eating away at us, we can't deny that we have these negative emotions. Of course, we try to say that it's the other person's fault, that we have these horrible emotions only because they made us have them. But after we've listened to the Buddha's teachings, this rationale doesn't work any more. We know in our hearts that our happiness and suffering come from our own minds. Then, even though we try to blame our difficulties on other people, we know we can't. We are forced to look at them ourselves. And when we do, we also see that they are incredible opportunities to grow and learn."
There are so many things explained in this simple paragraph that I don't even know where to begin. For example, the simple fact that negative emotions blind us to the point where we ignore the reality of the situation and simply look to blame others. This notion seems to be within human nature so deeply, that it feels hard to get rid of. But the truth is so blatant, that someone has got to be truly, heavily ignorant to not realize that blaming is probably one of the worst actions we can do. I particularly come away from Chodron's paragraph with the sensibility that no one can hinder our path to enlightenment, except ourselves - our mind. It is we who decide our happiness and suffering. Others come along on the path and are there only on the sideline - even those who we feel hinder us from our path, are really there to teach us some lesson. From everything good, and everything bad, comes something for us to learn - and to grow!
The people who harm us end up pushing us towards our Dharma in search of answers we wouldn't seek if things were always good. Take a look at the soul searching I am doing right now - it all started a long time ago out of a very bad experience. That situation left me asking many questions, and with no answers. And today I'm in a place where I can not only look at the answers, but actually see them carefully. Out of all of this, I've realized, Karma, Dharma, Life only helps those who help themselves. Inner peace is easier then a lot of people seem to think. A lot more permanent then others want to believe. All it takes is living in the present - forgetting the past, not worrying about what's next. The true task is staying calm. It's easy being a monk in a monastery - try being a monk in bustling society.
Impermanence is the other name of life. People are born, people die - every second of the day. Situations are great and some are dire - they change with the seasons. Time seems the only continuity and even that never ceases to change. And from all of this stems peace. It is permanent, and it is the only relief from impermanence. At the end of the day - at the end of life - it is the peace that will deliver, no one, no thing, else. We must end suffering, and it will only end with our minds, our senses being in check and control. I was once asked how I could be a Hindu and believe in Buddhism? And this is exactly how; as I sit here and write this I realize I am simultaneously thinking of the Buddha and Krishna. The Buddha preached about enlightenment and nirvana, and showed us how peace and bringing our mind into a firm meditation will help us achieve that. And Krishna - embarked on a chariot - represents the virtue of self, the right path that we must follow. His horses, the reign he holds as he drives Arjuna's chariot represent Krishna reigning his senses - holding a firm mind, and not letting the situation deter him.
They are all telling us the same thing. The Buddha, Krishna, Ms. Chodron. Inner peace is our path to happiness - our path to a higher sense - something away from worldly things. All we have to do is listen. Is to be aware, to live in the moment, to be conscious of every moment - to let our minds meditate. We need not fear others, we have no enemies, our biggest challenge is our self. I am a 100% sure that what our ancestors messages say, we understand - accepting it for what it is.. there is the difficulty, and the challenge, that we must overcome, and before long it will all fall into place..
Hence, the path to happiness therein lies.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
An Old Poem Recalled - What does it mean?
Someday I hope to be
A person that is living
Have a soul that is free
And in the sky be flying.
Today I am mellow
The sky is a crisp blue
There is a bold fellow
Who of the world has a clue.
This fellow I hope to meet
Take a stroll in the park
See the path tread by his feet
And ask him for an ark.
I want him to save me
Truth shall be told
My protector is he
Who of the heart keeps hold.
(July 13, 2008)
A person that is living
Have a soul that is free
And in the sky be flying.
Today I am mellow
The sky is a crisp blue
There is a bold fellow
Who of the world has a clue.
This fellow I hope to meet
Take a stroll in the park
See the path tread by his feet
And ask him for an ark.
I want him to save me
Truth shall be told
My protector is he
Who of the heart keeps hold.
(July 13, 2008)
Friday, May 15, 2009
Mr. Sherwani
Under the sunny, clear, blue sky in the clearing of the forest I heard the galloping of a horse. As I turned towards the sound I saw a beautiful white horse immerse from the thick of the trees. The most beautiful man I have ever seen was mounted on the horse, and wearing a dark red sherwani with a cream chuni wrapped around his neck. I stood there frozen to the ground, staring in amazement, with my eyes glazing over. Was this it? He tugged on the reigns and his horse slowed to a trot as he came nearer to the place where I was standing. He smiled innocently and his eyes showed me his strong yet sensitive personality. Before I knew it, he reached me, and came to a halt. With a most graceful move he was off the horse and inches away from my face. Before I knew it, his hand brushed against my shoulder and he softly said “Divya.”
I began to wonder how he knew my name, and before I could come up with an answer, he started to shake me and got louder saying “Divya! Divya!! Come on!! Get up!!!”
HUH?!
My eyes opened, and my fairy tale, well it remained a fairy tale. I saw Mona standing above my bed frowning with her hands on her hip.
“Ugh, Mona come on, I was in the middle of a fabulous dream…”
Mona gave me one of her rolling-eye-stifling-laugh look and said, “Ya ya the one with the sherwani hottie?”
I laughed and sat up in bed, “you know it” I said as I started to fix my hair into a ponytail. I let out a sigh and jumped out of my bed, pulled my robe tightly around me, and slipped my feet into fuzzy slippers.
“Mona, I really wish this sherwani guy were real or at least if I could meet someone who’s something like him.” I headed towards the closet and started pulling on a pair of dark jeans and a dark red blouse.
“Div, you’re awake, get over it, we’re 19-year-old pre-med students. Our life consists of studying, studying, and some more studying.” I admired the way she could talk and wear flawless make-up at the same time.
After seeing the half dreamy, half sad look on my face, Mona lightened up the atmosphere by adding, “Girl, forget about Mr. Sherwani, we need to think about Mr. Roony and anatomy unless you want to get yours and my ass kicked by being late to class again!! I don’t want him chasing me down the hallway to come to class like that other girl!” I snapped out of my daze almost immediately, gave a weak laugh, finished zipping up my sweatshirt, grabbed my bag, and taunted Mona because I beat her out the door.
***
I went through my day as usual, classes, meals, naps… but Mr. Sherwani refused to leave my mind. I was a very practical girl, but somewhere deep down inside me, hidden in the depths was a little girl who wanted to be a princess and was waiting for her prince to come on a beautiful white horse to sweep her up in his arms and be hers forever. IF only!
I think the only thing that set me apart from a Disney story was that my prince was always dressed in an intricately embroidered dark red “sherwani,” which is a fancy Indian outfit for men. I don’t even know why this was the way it was. I was of Indian descent but had been in New Jersey for practically my whole life. Yet, my dream always, always, always, had a gorgeous Indian guy with a beautiful sherwani.
Was I crazy? Did this guy even exist, could a guy like that even exist!? I envied my cousins; they had all somehow managed to get wonderful Indian guys who were strong yet sweet, tall and handsome, and downright perfect matches. My teenage-hood had pretty much consisted of rebelling, a couple of unsuccessful heart-breaking relationships, and a whole lot of studying. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m a beautiful girl, and definitely not a geek, but becoming a doctor is a long, hard process and took a lot out of me even just at the pre-med level. But my teenage years were rapidly coming to an end. In just a few months I was going to turn twenty and my supposedly fabulous twenties were going to begin.
Lately, the “Mr. Sherwani” dream had been occurring more often. I didn’t know what it all meant, or what I should do about it, I just kept hoping my dream would somehow turn into a reality.
And one day, it did! No, I’m just kidding. I do have a sense of humor you know. Ok, I know, not really funny, but life is not a fairy tale, and I’m still only 19, and I do live in the practical world. Perhaps some day my galloping Mr. Sherwani will come along, hopefully, but until then, all I have is Mr. Roony’s anatomy, just like Mona said.
6/30/2008
I began to wonder how he knew my name, and before I could come up with an answer, he started to shake me and got louder saying “Divya! Divya!! Come on!! Get up!!!”
HUH?!
My eyes opened, and my fairy tale, well it remained a fairy tale. I saw Mona standing above my bed frowning with her hands on her hip.
“Ugh, Mona come on, I was in the middle of a fabulous dream…”
Mona gave me one of her rolling-eye-stifling-laugh look and said, “Ya ya the one with the sherwani hottie?”
I laughed and sat up in bed, “you know it” I said as I started to fix my hair into a ponytail. I let out a sigh and jumped out of my bed, pulled my robe tightly around me, and slipped my feet into fuzzy slippers.
“Mona, I really wish this sherwani guy were real or at least if I could meet someone who’s something like him.” I headed towards the closet and started pulling on a pair of dark jeans and a dark red blouse.
“Div, you’re awake, get over it, we’re 19-year-old pre-med students. Our life consists of studying, studying, and some more studying.” I admired the way she could talk and wear flawless make-up at the same time.
After seeing the half dreamy, half sad look on my face, Mona lightened up the atmosphere by adding, “Girl, forget about Mr. Sherwani, we need to think about Mr. Roony and anatomy unless you want to get yours and my ass kicked by being late to class again!! I don’t want him chasing me down the hallway to come to class like that other girl!” I snapped out of my daze almost immediately, gave a weak laugh, finished zipping up my sweatshirt, grabbed my bag, and taunted Mona because I beat her out the door.
***
I went through my day as usual, classes, meals, naps… but Mr. Sherwani refused to leave my mind. I was a very practical girl, but somewhere deep down inside me, hidden in the depths was a little girl who wanted to be a princess and was waiting for her prince to come on a beautiful white horse to sweep her up in his arms and be hers forever. IF only!
I think the only thing that set me apart from a Disney story was that my prince was always dressed in an intricately embroidered dark red “sherwani,” which is a fancy Indian outfit for men. I don’t even know why this was the way it was. I was of Indian descent but had been in New Jersey for practically my whole life. Yet, my dream always, always, always, had a gorgeous Indian guy with a beautiful sherwani.
Was I crazy? Did this guy even exist, could a guy like that even exist!? I envied my cousins; they had all somehow managed to get wonderful Indian guys who were strong yet sweet, tall and handsome, and downright perfect matches. My teenage-hood had pretty much consisted of rebelling, a couple of unsuccessful heart-breaking relationships, and a whole lot of studying. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m a beautiful girl, and definitely not a geek, but becoming a doctor is a long, hard process and took a lot out of me even just at the pre-med level. But my teenage years were rapidly coming to an end. In just a few months I was going to turn twenty and my supposedly fabulous twenties were going to begin.
Lately, the “Mr. Sherwani” dream had been occurring more often. I didn’t know what it all meant, or what I should do about it, I just kept hoping my dream would somehow turn into a reality.
And one day, it did! No, I’m just kidding. I do have a sense of humor you know. Ok, I know, not really funny, but life is not a fairy tale, and I’m still only 19, and I do live in the practical world. Perhaps some day my galloping Mr. Sherwani will come along, hopefully, but until then, all I have is Mr. Roony’s anatomy, just like Mona said.
6/30/2008
Monday, March 23, 2009
The Dalai Lama Piece
Take a look at this link:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29841454/?gt1=43001
Is this what our world has really become? A competition of money vs. everything else..??
The Dalai Lama is an advocate of peace and follows the buddhist path. And HE was barred from a peace conference? Are you serious? I don't know whether to shake my head or laugh at the irony..
I don't care much for politics, and do not wish to get involved in any political matters, but you bring in something pure and innocent and turn it into a hypocrite action - I object! Hypocricy has definitely taken precedence as my biggest problem with the world we live in and our society. A man who is well known for his peace related talks and his simple advice is being told not to attend an event because of the country who doesn't accept his views. Dalai Lama had to leave China because his views didn't go with the norm.. now that country still won't leave him alone. A peace conference is being held in South Africa, and just to save the economic tie with China, South Africa has said the Dalai Lama cannot attend.
Why is it money dictates everything? Why can't an individual, an idea, a concept take prevalence? The whole point of a peace conference is "peace".. and yet that has propelled South Africa to stop a peaceful man. Somehow this doesn't make sense to me. Human value, what we stand for, the things we try to talk about and celebrate (like peace) are all depreciated when all of a sudden money or the economy is involved!
I wonder sometimes, is that what everything really comes down to for people? The economy - how much money is circulating, which country is trading with which other, if someone doesn't like someone they will get their "friends" to not like them - I mean come on, did the world never leave high school?! Whatever has happened to the spirit of people.. have they forgotten that we created the economy. Economics and business is a man-made, technically hypothetical, entity. We made it, and now we are being consumed by it.
Somehow I feel that the followers, believers, or simply good-wishers of the Dalai Lama will be in an uproar. But the Dalai Lama will probably accept it quietly as is the way of a truly peaceful buddhist. The path he follows is a difficult one, and in the world we live in - an almost impossible one. If one man can adhere to his path, why have the rest of us forgotten it? Yes we all have different goals, yes it is entirely foolish to never think about finances in this world, but no our lives cannot revolve around money - no matter what our goal, no matter what our path. Money is superficial - it will come and it will go. I think most of us want something more permanent in our lives. Don't we?
I certainly do. Peace is permanent in one's mind. We may feel that there might be outside factors that drag us back from our peace - or things that prevent us from feeling it. Some of us start out to find peace, claim we do, and the minute something goes wrong, fall right back to where we were before "peace" found us.. that is not really peace - that is a manifestation. I read somewhere once that it is very easy to be a peaceful person amongst a group of monks in a secluded forest.. but the true test is being a peaceful person amongst the bustling world all around us. That is the task the Dalai Lama is being put to.. that is the test we are all put through. Obtaining and maintaining a peaceful mind, a pure heart.. in a world run by the "economy." I wonder.. how many will pull through?
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29841454/?gt1=43001
Is this what our world has really become? A competition of money vs. everything else..??
The Dalai Lama is an advocate of peace and follows the buddhist path. And HE was barred from a peace conference? Are you serious? I don't know whether to shake my head or laugh at the irony..
I don't care much for politics, and do not wish to get involved in any political matters, but you bring in something pure and innocent and turn it into a hypocrite action - I object! Hypocricy has definitely taken precedence as my biggest problem with the world we live in and our society. A man who is well known for his peace related talks and his simple advice is being told not to attend an event because of the country who doesn't accept his views. Dalai Lama had to leave China because his views didn't go with the norm.. now that country still won't leave him alone. A peace conference is being held in South Africa, and just to save the economic tie with China, South Africa has said the Dalai Lama cannot attend.
Why is it money dictates everything? Why can't an individual, an idea, a concept take prevalence? The whole point of a peace conference is "peace".. and yet that has propelled South Africa to stop a peaceful man. Somehow this doesn't make sense to me. Human value, what we stand for, the things we try to talk about and celebrate (like peace) are all depreciated when all of a sudden money or the economy is involved!
I wonder sometimes, is that what everything really comes down to for people? The economy - how much money is circulating, which country is trading with which other, if someone doesn't like someone they will get their "friends" to not like them - I mean come on, did the world never leave high school?! Whatever has happened to the spirit of people.. have they forgotten that we created the economy. Economics and business is a man-made, technically hypothetical, entity. We made it, and now we are being consumed by it.
Somehow I feel that the followers, believers, or simply good-wishers of the Dalai Lama will be in an uproar. But the Dalai Lama will probably accept it quietly as is the way of a truly peaceful buddhist. The path he follows is a difficult one, and in the world we live in - an almost impossible one. If one man can adhere to his path, why have the rest of us forgotten it? Yes we all have different goals, yes it is entirely foolish to never think about finances in this world, but no our lives cannot revolve around money - no matter what our goal, no matter what our path. Money is superficial - it will come and it will go. I think most of us want something more permanent in our lives. Don't we?
I certainly do. Peace is permanent in one's mind. We may feel that there might be outside factors that drag us back from our peace - or things that prevent us from feeling it. Some of us start out to find peace, claim we do, and the minute something goes wrong, fall right back to where we were before "peace" found us.. that is not really peace - that is a manifestation. I read somewhere once that it is very easy to be a peaceful person amongst a group of monks in a secluded forest.. but the true test is being a peaceful person amongst the bustling world all around us. That is the task the Dalai Lama is being put to.. that is the test we are all put through. Obtaining and maintaining a peaceful mind, a pure heart.. in a world run by the "economy." I wonder.. how many will pull through?
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Why Worry?
Everyone worries. I know that, it's obvious, but reading this article and the comments left by people brought it to the forefront: http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/omag_200708_worry/1
So, everyone worries. I worry. About anything to everything. Sometimes we worry about things that need worrying, and sometimes about things that we know we shouldn't worry about, and yet can't help but worry. Where has peace gone from society? Up in smokes I would say. It's no longer about society or community, it's about the individual. I don't think our world will ever find its way to a harmonious way to live - and that's not cynisism, just plain truth - however, the silver lining lies in the individual and finding an individualistic way to to not worry. Now by not worry, I don't mean never have another doubt in your life - I seriously doubt that's possible, we all have some problem, no matter what. I believe it has to do more with how we handle the worries that come our way. Let's look at an example of a mistake I made, and how I'm finding my way to the surface and realizing, it was all in my head:
For a long time now I have had aspirations to become a doctor. It wasn't one of those instant decisions, and took a lot of thinking, sorting, and changing to get to the conclusion that this is what I want to do. Forever. I have a difficulty accepting things long-term. At the same time I'm afraid of change - complex isn't it? Well, apparently when it comes to people and situations it is difficult to deal with change; when it comes to something I'm involved in that goes not as planned, I have a difficulty accepting it - so the solution: I quit.
I quit karate lessons, playing the saxaphone, flute, volleyball team, track team, even my beloved Kathak dance classes. And now after five years, I've quit the one thing I felt I had stuck to the longest: EMS. Well, I'm still an EMT, and I think that one blows it out of proportion slightly because I am still a part of it, just not actively. Anyway - the point: I've always quit and run away when things get tough - even if I am good at what I do. Now, those were all minor hurdles, what about this big one looking at me in the eye?? Med School.
I'm 5 months away - and quite frankly, scared. So scared that upon the first real hurdle in the reality of things I got majorly cold feet. Just like that I thought I would change my major and run away from this, just like all those minor things way back when. It took me a week to realize what a mistake that would be. I haven't invested all this time and energy into this profession for no reason. I had forgotten the real reason for starting - and that kept me going. I'm good at this stuff. And I let one bad grade, on one bad day, get in the way of my confidence. It's been a while since I've been able to see results that show me I'm good at what I do. Yes that might be a bit self-centered - but it keeps my confidence level up and allows me to keep going. I got that reminder today! A good grade! I didn't know I could feel like a little kid again - so hopeful and full of energy because of a grade! I haven't felt like this in years, since childhood when I used to love school, and love learning, and love excelling! I had forgotten all these years, and it feels refreshing to be awakened to that sense again.
Why worry? I can't give you any good reasons. Heck, I can't give you any reasons at all. I know I won't stop worrying. I don't think anyone can really stop worrying. But I'm handling my worry - by facing it, making a list, and getting it done. I feel happy. A strange happiness - not the calm sort, or the joyful sort, but a "I can do it!" sort. I wonder how long this new confidence can last, but I plan on using every last bit of it, because it makes me happy. This is who I am, school and learning happen to be my hobby, and I can't believe I forgot that! Fears are natural, worry is too, but I feel ready to tackle those fears, to ward off the worries. It won't be easy - as much as family and friends and society exist - we live in an individualistic world. I know I have a support system, but today is special - Today, I have joined my own support system.
... And that is how I'm handling Worry :)
So, everyone worries. I worry. About anything to everything. Sometimes we worry about things that need worrying, and sometimes about things that we know we shouldn't worry about, and yet can't help but worry. Where has peace gone from society? Up in smokes I would say. It's no longer about society or community, it's about the individual. I don't think our world will ever find its way to a harmonious way to live - and that's not cynisism, just plain truth - however, the silver lining lies in the individual and finding an individualistic way to to not worry. Now by not worry, I don't mean never have another doubt in your life - I seriously doubt that's possible, we all have some problem, no matter what. I believe it has to do more with how we handle the worries that come our way. Let's look at an example of a mistake I made, and how I'm finding my way to the surface and realizing, it was all in my head:
For a long time now I have had aspirations to become a doctor. It wasn't one of those instant decisions, and took a lot of thinking, sorting, and changing to get to the conclusion that this is what I want to do. Forever. I have a difficulty accepting things long-term. At the same time I'm afraid of change - complex isn't it? Well, apparently when it comes to people and situations it is difficult to deal with change; when it comes to something I'm involved in that goes not as planned, I have a difficulty accepting it - so the solution: I quit.
I quit karate lessons, playing the saxaphone, flute, volleyball team, track team, even my beloved Kathak dance classes. And now after five years, I've quit the one thing I felt I had stuck to the longest: EMS. Well, I'm still an EMT, and I think that one blows it out of proportion slightly because I am still a part of it, just not actively. Anyway - the point: I've always quit and run away when things get tough - even if I am good at what I do. Now, those were all minor hurdles, what about this big one looking at me in the eye?? Med School.
I'm 5 months away - and quite frankly, scared. So scared that upon the first real hurdle in the reality of things I got majorly cold feet. Just like that I thought I would change my major and run away from this, just like all those minor things way back when. It took me a week to realize what a mistake that would be. I haven't invested all this time and energy into this profession for no reason. I had forgotten the real reason for starting - and that kept me going. I'm good at this stuff. And I let one bad grade, on one bad day, get in the way of my confidence. It's been a while since I've been able to see results that show me I'm good at what I do. Yes that might be a bit self-centered - but it keeps my confidence level up and allows me to keep going. I got that reminder today! A good grade! I didn't know I could feel like a little kid again - so hopeful and full of energy because of a grade! I haven't felt like this in years, since childhood when I used to love school, and love learning, and love excelling! I had forgotten all these years, and it feels refreshing to be awakened to that sense again.
Why worry? I can't give you any good reasons. Heck, I can't give you any reasons at all. I know I won't stop worrying. I don't think anyone can really stop worrying. But I'm handling my worry - by facing it, making a list, and getting it done. I feel happy. A strange happiness - not the calm sort, or the joyful sort, but a "I can do it!" sort. I wonder how long this new confidence can last, but I plan on using every last bit of it, because it makes me happy. This is who I am, school and learning happen to be my hobby, and I can't believe I forgot that! Fears are natural, worry is too, but I feel ready to tackle those fears, to ward off the worries. It won't be easy - as much as family and friends and society exist - we live in an individualistic world. I know I have a support system, but today is special - Today, I have joined my own support system.
... And that is how I'm handling Worry :)
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Love Grows
Valentine's Day. http://www.history.com/content/valentine/history-of-valentine-s-day who knew?
What is Valentine's day mean? (to me).. honestly - a whole lot of nothing - there is so much lacy doilies and pink-ness involved it makes a bit irritated. Everywhere you look there are mushy gifts and cards and expensive dinners. It makes me a little sad. No - not the kind of sad when a person doesn't have a valentine, although I admit that produces a sense of sadness on this day - a sadness that our world today - the people that live in it - have lost the true sense of this day. I know the technical history (as mentioned above) is about a saint and the good deeds he did and him being a martyr and all. But did you read the end? How did we go from a martyr saint to the second largest card-selling holiday on this day today!?!? I think the only ones that had it right was Great Britain in the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries - they used notes and cards as a way to express their feelings in a society where such things required a level of subtlety.
So, the true essence of this day? Love. Regardless of the methods, or the history, Valentine's day has come to mean a day of expressing love. Personally, love should be evident all days of the year - in an ideal society. Sometimes, we feel it, and yet it is unreasonable to ponder on it everyday. So, why not set aside this day every year to think about love, its meaning, and perhaps be thankful for all the love in our lives. (kind of like a thanksgiving for love!)
This year, I want to venture into thinking about what is love. I think the two best explanations I have ever come across have been poetic, and from two sources that in other senses differ greatly from each other. What are these two things that supply me with my definitions... The Bible and William Shakespeare.
Here is what the Bible says:
1 Corinthians 13:1-8a and 13 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails....And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. (NIV)
And here is what Shakespeare says:
Sonnet 116
Let me not to the marriage of true minds Admit impediments. Love is not loveWhich alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:O no! it is an ever-fixed mark That looks on tempests and is never shaken;It is the star to every wandering bark, Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks Within his bending sickle's compass come:Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, But bears it out even to the edge of doom.If this be error and upon me proved, I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
There are so many adjectives that can be used with love. And here is the funny thing about love - upon the use of the word, people automatically think romantically. But love doesn't just exist between a man and a woman. Between parents and a child, a sibling to sibling, a friendship, a pet even. Even God. There is so much love filled in our lives, and most of us are not even aware of it. The loneliest man (or woman) on this Earth has love - of this I am sure. They just don't know it's there.
Now, let's pause for a second. Skeptics of this world might challenge the theory of love and say it doesn't exist - just like God. That it's a bunch of hormones that physically attract one to another (yes we're talking romantic love here) that causes us to think it is "love." Or that when a baby is born, the mother has special hormones allowing her to nurture and in turn interpret it as "love." If the world is going to get physiological about love - than let them at least get it right. Yes, love is not just about emotions - it is about hormones. But how do you explain the feeling of happiness when love is in the air? There are actual physiological tests that have been conducted (using the brain and nerve endings) to prove that a couple who has been together many years - in love - is happy being together. There is no "need" - it is simply a feeling of being better than normal when two are together. It was tested that the chemical that releases feelings of stress within us, was suppressed in the couple's brain due to their bond of love with each other. Is that proof enough or what?
"Love is life" That has been my motto, my advice to live life by, and it still holds true. No matter what the love is - romantic, familial, friendship, or religious - it is love nonetheless. Cherish it, feel it, embrace it - because life is short and there is a lot of love to go around - so make it go around :) because there is this silly thing about love: it grows as you share it.
What is Valentine's day mean? (to me).. honestly - a whole lot of nothing - there is so much lacy doilies and pink-ness involved it makes a bit irritated. Everywhere you look there are mushy gifts and cards and expensive dinners. It makes me a little sad. No - not the kind of sad when a person doesn't have a valentine, although I admit that produces a sense of sadness on this day - a sadness that our world today - the people that live in it - have lost the true sense of this day. I know the technical history (as mentioned above) is about a saint and the good deeds he did and him being a martyr and all. But did you read the end? How did we go from a martyr saint to the second largest card-selling holiday on this day today!?!? I think the only ones that had it right was Great Britain in the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries - they used notes and cards as a way to express their feelings in a society where such things required a level of subtlety.
So, the true essence of this day? Love. Regardless of the methods, or the history, Valentine's day has come to mean a day of expressing love. Personally, love should be evident all days of the year - in an ideal society. Sometimes, we feel it, and yet it is unreasonable to ponder on it everyday. So, why not set aside this day every year to think about love, its meaning, and perhaps be thankful for all the love in our lives. (kind of like a thanksgiving for love!)
This year, I want to venture into thinking about what is love. I think the two best explanations I have ever come across have been poetic, and from two sources that in other senses differ greatly from each other. What are these two things that supply me with my definitions... The Bible and William Shakespeare.
Here is what the Bible says:
1 Corinthians 13:1-8a and 13 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails....And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. (NIV)
And here is what Shakespeare says:
Sonnet 116
Let me not to the marriage of true minds Admit impediments. Love is not loveWhich alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:O no! it is an ever-fixed mark That looks on tempests and is never shaken;It is the star to every wandering bark, Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks Within his bending sickle's compass come:Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, But bears it out even to the edge of doom.If this be error and upon me proved, I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
There are so many adjectives that can be used with love. And here is the funny thing about love - upon the use of the word, people automatically think romantically. But love doesn't just exist between a man and a woman. Between parents and a child, a sibling to sibling, a friendship, a pet even. Even God. There is so much love filled in our lives, and most of us are not even aware of it. The loneliest man (or woman) on this Earth has love - of this I am sure. They just don't know it's there.
Now, let's pause for a second. Skeptics of this world might challenge the theory of love and say it doesn't exist - just like God. That it's a bunch of hormones that physically attract one to another (yes we're talking romantic love here) that causes us to think it is "love." Or that when a baby is born, the mother has special hormones allowing her to nurture and in turn interpret it as "love." If the world is going to get physiological about love - than let them at least get it right. Yes, love is not just about emotions - it is about hormones. But how do you explain the feeling of happiness when love is in the air? There are actual physiological tests that have been conducted (using the brain and nerve endings) to prove that a couple who has been together many years - in love - is happy being together. There is no "need" - it is simply a feeling of being better than normal when two are together. It was tested that the chemical that releases feelings of stress within us, was suppressed in the couple's brain due to their bond of love with each other. Is that proof enough or what?
"Love is life" That has been my motto, my advice to live life by, and it still holds true. No matter what the love is - romantic, familial, friendship, or religious - it is love nonetheless. Cherish it, feel it, embrace it - because life is short and there is a lot of love to go around - so make it go around :) because there is this silly thing about love: it grows as you share it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)